Stop The Flop

The refs are catching lots of heat right now for nervously blowing their damn whistles whenever there�s contact- and yes, they�ve made LOTS of terrible calls in these Finals- but consider the possibility that they�re being deceived by Oscar-worthy actors, masters of deception who deliberately fuck with the integrity of the game.

Rajon Rondo is extremely skilled at the artful tumble. Set a good pick on him and down he goes. He flails around like a dying fish out there.

Derek Fisher (yes, I just used �fish� as a segue- ugh) is also proficient at throwing himself to the hardwood in dramatic fashion. Each year, he�s among the league leaders in charges taken.

Pau Gasol�s been known to take a dive if you back him down in the post. Tallest man on the court and he goes down in a heap of grimaces if you bump him. Whatever. He�s European- it�s in their basketball DNA.

On offense, Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce both do this annoying move where they ball fake to get their man in the air and then jump into his chest deliberately, begging for a call. It�s fucking weak.

Fans hate this shit. The league always says they�ll do something about it but they never do.

Here are my suggestions:

1 Review footage after games and fine the fuck out of obvious floppers. For instance, every time Ginobili throws his neck back and gets a bogus call, charge him $25K for it.

2 Discourage defenders from waiting for the offensive player to jump and then sliding in under their feet. This gets you punched in the face on the playground. It gets you rewarded in the NBA. Refs need to call that a block if the offensive player�s already airborne.

3 Officiate known floppers tighter than other players. If you have a rep for being a flopper, refs SHOULD discriminate against your pussy ass.

Having players flying around on the court needlessly is also really dangerous for unsuspecting teammates. How many times has a flopper fallen backwards into the knee of a big man standing under the hoop?

Don�t get me wrong- I think it�s perfectly OK for players to take charges. There�s nothing unmanly or disgraceful about holding your position and being knocked over. It�s the salesmanship that pisses me off.

Pictured: royal flop

One Pickup Game For All The Marbles

Hypothetical situation here. Let's just say that you (the well-informed fan) and I were coaches who were picking a starting five for one pickup game that would determine which of us survived. Winning coach lives, loser dies. No salary implications or long-term injury concerns. No drafting by position. Street ball- call your own fouls, no FTs, no flops.

One game for the right to keep breathing air.

I'd choose Kobe Bryant first (it's my blog so I get first pick but you get the second two, alternating after that). You would probably choose LeBron James and Dwight Howard. Am I right? Here's how the rest of the top-10 might shake out:

My five- (1) Kobe, (4) Tim Duncan, (6) Chris Paul, (8) Kevin Durant, (10) Shaq

'Your' five- (2) LeBron, (3) Dwight Howard, (5) Dwyane Wade, (7) Deron Williams, (9) Chris Bosh

Nash and Nowitzki are the obvious omissions here. Both are weak sauce on D so I wouldn't take 'em. But you might. And my team would then beat your team.

Ordinarily KG would be chosen for sure but lingering doubts about his health held him back. Chauncey Billups barely missed the cut. And it's worth noting that I drafted Shaq simply to contend with Howard. And like I said, no FTs. Heh heh.

Who'd win? Would you choose differently?

Pictured: #1 overall

Fooled By The Fantasy

I looooove fantasy basketball. There's something about crunching numbers and poring over stats that scratches an itch somewhere deep inside my brain (gross, sorry). Even before the internets, I'd analyze box scores and see if I could anticipate or predict trends.

That said, fantasy basketball is making it seriously hard for me to have a good conversation with basketball fans about actual basketball.

I end up hearing dumb shit like "Jose Calderon is one of the best PGs in the league" or "David Lee is worth 10 million a season."

Let's consult the roto Big Board of Yahoo's Brandon Motherfunkin' Funston, shall we? Chris Paul is rated above LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. Dirk Nowitzki and Amare Stoudemire are more valuable than Tim Duncan, apparently. Dwight Howard trails the mighty Troy Murphy, for fuck's sake.

Any discerning individual with half a brain can distinguish between roto numbers and how good a player really is. Unfortunately, message boards and sports bars are filled to the brim with fucknuts who take this fantasy shit as gospel. There are people out there who still think Zach Randolph is a good basketball player. I'm not fucking kidding.

"Cleveland will win the title if they add Zach Randolph." I've heard this from more than one person.

News flash. Nate Robinson is terrible. So is Jamal Crawford. Yes, I'm aware they score points and make 3 pt shots. But they're dreadful basketball players. They contribute to losing games with every fiber of their beings.

So I'll congratulate anyone who tells me that they won their roto league because of Murphy and Crawford. Fantasy is fantasy. But don't come talking shit about how the Lakers should be looking to acquire these assclowns, or worse yet, trade an actual quality player for them ("Dude, LA should trade Lamar Odom for Troy Murphy"- STFU).

Meh.

Pictured: Nate and Jose leading their teams to mediocrity

The Big Ifs: Who Could Topple LA?

Now that LA has Ron Ron, it's a widely held belief that Kobe and company will be hoisting another trophy next season. Here's a list of some Big Ifs- what each contender would need to have happen in order to topple the champs.

Boston could win the title if KG reverts to his MVP-form of 2004. Pretty unlikely given his age and the severity of his recent knee injury.

Orlando could win the title if Vince Cancer learns to take good shots and play defense for the first time in his 12 year career. VC's always had the tools so why has his career been pockmarked by fadeaway 3s and total apathy on the defensive end? Dude's got no heart.

San Antonio could win the title if Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker stay healthy. It goes without saying that Tim Duncan would also have to put up typical Duncan numbers on both ends. That team is nothing without him at full strength.

Cleveland could win the title if Shaq reports to camp in shape and plays at least 75 games. Much of O'Neal's reputation as a lousy P&R defender is a result of showing up fat and lazy, year after year.

Portland could win the title if Greg Oden contends for Defensive Player Of The Year. In order for Oden to accomplish this tall task, he'll have to start and play at least 30 minutes a game. Hear that, Nate? No more starting Prezbo. Throw the kid in there and let him sink or swim. Leave him in the game when he picks up two fouls in the first. Make it a priority to get him as many minutes as possible.

Denver could win the title if Nene leads the league in rebounding. Actually, scratch that. Denver can't win the title. Who am I kidding? No team with a forward playing center ever wins a ring.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The 2004 Pistons had Ben Wallace at C. Depending on your point of view, this may or may not disprove my theory above.

I'm sure some of you are thinking "Where's Utah?" Or "What about Atlanta?" "The Suns have got a shot." This is probably because you live in those cities and have an unreasonable expectation for their success based on pure homerism. I'm sorry. Your team will win nothing next year. As usual. Enjoy your one (or possibly two) playoff series.

Pictured: KG circa 2004 accepting the Podoloff in a fancy lab coat

Ron Artest, Poet Laureate

Barring some kind of Elton Brand-like bail out, Ron Artest will soon be a Laker. And every player/fan/employee of the Cavs, Celtics, Magic, Spurs, Blazers and Nuggets just had an 'Oops, I Crapped My Pants' moment.

How scary is this dude? You be the judge. Here are the lyrics to Booty Wooty, his collaboration with musical genius and erstwhile rapper, Will Smith:

Yo I�m so high
And that�s no lie
Throw ya blunt up in the sky
Cause these niggas don�t die
Now I might be quick to catch a tech
But I keep my bitches in check
Punch �em in the neck
With the utmost respect

Hell, yes. Artest is such a bad-ass that he can respectfully punch you in the neck. Think about that for a second, bitches. And that's when he's already high. Imagine how nasty he'd be when he was sober. I'll miss Trevor Ariza but nobody strikes fear in the heart of an opponent like Ron Artest. Another miracle acquisition for the Lakers front office.

Excelsior!

Pictured: Ron Ron respectfully nibbling Kobe's neck

Between The Legs

Many basketball purists consider the between-the-legs dribble a flashy bit of showmanship that detracts from the overall quality of the game- a classic case of style over substance. Others think the maneuver's an effective way to escape pressure, a change of direction when the defender is playing too tightly to risk a crossover.

Since the NBA doesn't keep track of this stat (I mean, why the fuck would they?), I decided to document it myself in last night's contest between LA and Denver.

Based on my unofficial tally (watching the game on TV, I might have missed a few while the camera wasn't on the ballhandler), here are the results for most between-the-legs dribbles:

The Winner
Chauncey Billups- on 24 different occasions, Mr. Big Shot went between the legs, including one possession where he did it five times in a row. Ironically, most fans would label Billups a 'blue collar player' who 'plays the game the right way.' You might expect Allen Iverson to go BTL 24 times in a game, but Chauncey?

Runner Up
Kobe Bryant- given his penchant for flair, I fully anticipated Bryant winning this thing outright. Imagine my shock when he went BTL a mere 11 times. Granted, the Lakers were in control most of the night so maybe he didn't feel the need to exert much energy.

Bronze Medalist
Jordan Farmar- went BTL an astonishing 8 times in 14 minutes, mostly just to look cool. Fucking show-off.

Anthony Carter (3), Luke Walton (3), Carmelo (1), JR Smith (1) and Shannon Brown (1) all did it, too. Dahntay Jones, who I'm convinced is the worst player in the league not named Kwame Brown, also tried it once, resulting in an immediate turnover and bucket for the Lakers going the other way. Stop dribbling, scrub. Stick to fouling.

Incidentally, Denver won the overall BTL battle, 30-22. And lost the game by double digits, of course.

Random notes:
Andrew Bynum looked strong, if somewhat rusty, in his first game back; Cheryl Miller's fashion sense continues to be as clueless as her commentary. Did you see her tie-dye/braids outfit? Wack. Scott Pollard was probably watching on TV, laughing his ass off; LA showed some nice pressure and trapping with their second unit; Without a true center, Denver ain't winning shit in the playoffs.

Coming Down The Stretch...

With the season 3/4 of the way over, here are my picks to close out their respective categories and take home the hardware:

Champs- As much as it pains me to say this, I have to give the nod to the Cavs right now. They're too big for the Bynum-less Lakers and too deep for the Posey-less Celtics. I also think that Joe Smith is better for that offense than Ben Wallace. Smith's like a poor man's Horace Grant- a good rebounder and post defender who nails the 15 footer consistently. Delonte West and Mo Williams know their roles and make open 3s. Big Z's great on the offensive glass. I don't see anyone beating them.

MVP- Lebron over Kobe. James was already one of the best offensive players in the league. This season, he proved he can play All-Star caliber D. That said, if Cleveland hits a lull over the final few weeks, Kobe could catch fire and snatch his second Podoloff in a row. Props to DWade, Brandon Roy and Dwight Howard but it's a two-man race between James and Bryant.

Defensive Player Of The Year- Howard. Sure, Wade and James learned a thing or two about defense from Kobe at the Olympics but Superman's a rebounding and shot blocking machine.

Most Improved- Everyone's talking about Devin Harris but wasn't he this good last year, too? The player who took the biggest leap this offseason was Howard. The guy went from 'freakish athlete' to 'superstar with potential to be the best ever' in three months. Kevin Durant is going fucking ballistic, too. Think about how much better he'll be when he actually has a muscle or two on that skinny frame. Ironically, Shaq also showed great improvement this year, going from a useless fat bastard to dominant All-Star since hitching up with the Phoenix Suns training staff.

Coach Of The Year- It'll be Mike Brown or Stan Van Gundy but my vote would go to Nate McMillan. Nobody expected anything from Portland (especially with Oden dinged up) but Nate established a great rotation where every player knows his role. He was also smart enough to hand over the reins to Roy, who's proven himself worthy of MVP talk. Big ups to Erik Spoelstra for keeping the Heat over .500 with one of the youngest teams in the NBA.

Executive- How can it NOT be Donnie Walsh? Goodbye, Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury and Jerome James. Hello, Mike D'Antoni, Al Harrington and cap room for next year's big free agent run which will net them either Lebron, DWade, Amare or Chris Bosh. Masterful. The Gallinari pick is a blemish but I'll put that one on D'Antoni.

6th Man- Jason Terry or Manu Ginobili will win but I LOVE what Trevor Ariza has done off the bench for LA this year. If they win the title, Ariza will a major reason why. Think about this for a sec: if LA had Ariza in the Finals last year, does Paul Pierce score at will off of isolation plays? Um, no.

Pictured: Ariza posterizing Grant Hill



Rookie- Derrick Rose gets the nod over OJ Mayo, Russell Westbrook and Brook Lopez. I talked shit about both Mayo and Westbrook around draft time, referring to them as Smurfs. I was wrong. They're both really good. I still think Mayo is more Ben Gordon than Michael Jordan but he's not a Smurf, by any means. Sorry. I suck.

Shocker! Fans Voting Semi-Intelligently

As Lebasketbawl reports here, the latest All-Star voting is shaping up to be the usual popularity contest rather than an actual recognition of outstanding play. This is no surprise to anyone who follows the history of the event. Every year, some over-the-hill veteran who's missed half the season with injuries gets in as a starter because of his proliferation of shoe and soft drink commercials. I like to call this the Annual Grant Hill Award. This year's recipient? Crazy McLazy (pictured).



HOWEVER, the difference worth noting this time around is that the most popular players (Lebron, Dwight Howard, Kobe, Dwyane Wade) are actually posting the best individual numbers while leading their respective teams to sterling records (well, maybe not Wade). So even with the Grant Hill factor, this year's numbers are remarkably accurate. In short, the voters are actually getting it right, for the most part.

EAST
Forwards- Lebron & KG
No argument here, even if Garnett's numbers are way down from his career averages. He's still an All-Star. The only travesty is that Yi Jianlian is a very close third thanks to some major ballot box stuffing by the Chinese. The most deserving omission would probably be Danny Granger, who's currently languishing in eighth place behind the Incredible Shrinking Shawn Marion.

Guards- DWade, AI
Iverson belongs on the All-Star team the way W belongs in the White House. That spot should rightfully go to mild-mannered Joe Johnson, who's carried Atlanta on his back so far.

Center- Dwight Howard
There really is no other reasonable option so the voters got it right, kind of like this year's presidential election (OK, I'll stop with the political references).

WEST
Forwards- Duncan, Melo
Anthony's shooting 43% and has missed the last two weeks with a broken hand. Even before getting dinged, he was being soundly outplayed by Dirk, Amare, Pau Gasol and his own teammate, Nene. Whatevs. At least Melo finally ditched the cornrows.

Guards- Kobe, McLazy
Apparently, Chris Paul and Brandon Roy are less appealing to fans than a wall-eyed cripple who's never been out of the first round.

Center- Yao
Like the East, there is no second choice. Shaq's been OK but it's not right to have a guy on the team who takes a game off every week.

So, out of 10 spots, fans made relatively sound choices for 7 starters. I can live with that.

Now if only the league would do something to make the actual game watchable. Awarding the winning conference home court advantage in the Finals seems too drastic. My suggestion: make it a cash game. Each player on the winning team takes home 50K. Loser gets nothing. Even multi-millionaires would play hard for fifty grand, right?

The Power Of The Plus/Minus

82games.com is pretty bad ass. Basically, they compile every stat imaginable to give a true indication of actual performance beyond the box score. My favorite stat is plus/minus per 48 minutes, which essentially tracks a player's performance, even in limited minutes, and predicts what kind of an impact that player would have over a full game. The plus/minus isn't just about scoring; it's about the overall effect on both ends of the court and how that translates into winning.

Using 82games data, I went through every team in the league and put together what each team's ideal lineup would be based on this theory. This doesn't mean these players should all be starters but it does mean they should get big minutes and be on the floor when the game's decided. I only included players who were already in the rotation since garbage time stats can be misleading.

What I discovered is that several big name stars would better serve their teams by riding the pine (I'm talking to you, AI).

ATLANTA
Josh Smith's numbers project to an astonishing +19.4 per 48 minutes. This makes him the 2nd most effective player in the entire NBA right now (Lamar Odom's first with 20.1 but more on him later).

Best lineup- Bibby, Johnson, Williams, Smith, Horford

Kudos to Mike Woodson for knowing the numbers and playing his best unit big minutes.

BOSTON
No surprises. KG leads the team at +15.5. Ray Allen's second at 14.8.

Best- Rondo, Allen, Pierce, KG, Perkins

CHARLOTTE
The entire team is in the negative so it's really just a matter of choosing who sucks the least. Also, basketball is a team sport so one good player can't make the other four not suck. Jason Richardson has their best numbers (-0.9), Matt Carroll, their worst (-10.1).

Best- Augustin, Felton, Richardson, Wallace, Okafor

CHICAGO
Andres Nocioni is a winner (+4.8) and should be not only starting but playing huge minutes on a team full of minuses. Thought Derrick Rose was a superstar? Think again- he's -5.5. Vinny Del Negro should also be aware that Drew Gooden's playing 30 minutes a game despite his awful production (-8.2)

Best- Rose, Gordon, Deng, Nocioni, Noah

CLEVELAND
The King lives up to his title with a gaudy +17.3. Delonte West is right on his heels at +15.7

Best- Williams, West, James, Wallace, Z

DALLAS
Contrary to popular belief, Kidd (+7.5) and Dirk (+6.9) are meshing well. The big surprise? Dampier (+10.5) actually has the best number on the team. Who's got the worst? Jerry Craphouse at an abysmal -24.6. In fact, that number makes Craphouse the league's worst player per 48. He's now out of the rotation and asking for a trade.

Best- Kidd, Terry, Howard, Nowitzki, Dampier

Sorry, Craphouse. No minutes for you.



DENVER
Chauncey's leading the team at +7.9. That AI trade's looking better all the time. Linas Kleiza is playing over 20 minutes a game but not producing (-2.8)

Best- Billups, JR Smith (not Dahntay Jones), Melo, Martin, Nene

DETROIT
Speaking of AI, he's at -1.7 and his ballhogging has made Rip Hamilton considerably less effective (-2.6). Stick 'em both on the bench. Arron Afflalo has been excellent (+12.8) in limited minutes- give him a shot.

Best- Stuckey, Afflalo, Prince, Sheed, Amir Johnson

Here's a clear case where the suggested change obviously WON'T happen. No way Curry brings AI or Rip off the bench but according to 82games, the Pistons would have a better chance of winning if he did.

GOLDEN ST
Jamal Crawford is a great example of a guy who puts up numbers that don't translate to wins. Since coming to the Warriors, he's at -12.9. Kelenna Azubuike's pretty awful, too (-8.7). Ronny Turiaf, AKA The Chocolate Moose, is the team's most efficient player at +4.7.

Best- CJ Watson, Maggette, Jax, Turiaf, Biedrins

HOUSTON
Shane Battier only played in a handful of games before getting hurt but his numbers are off the charts (+16.1). Yao's second at +8.5.

Best- Alston, Battier, McGrady, Artest, Yao

Yep, that's a lineup with Ron Ron at PF. Try it out, Adelman. Move Scola to the bench.

INDIANA
Granger (+3.2) and Marquis Daniels (+2.7) are their only good players. Little wonder they're a mediocre ballclub.

Best- Ford, Daniels, Granger, Murphy, Nesterovic

LA CLIPS
Nobody on the positive side. Camby's the closest at -1.4. Kaman (-9) and Ricky Davis (-21.3 for fuck's sake!) are the real reason this club is complete dogshit. Other than Craphouse, Ricky Buckets has been the worst rotation player in the game. I say 'has been' not because he IS ONE but because he hasn't seen significant PT in weeks.

Best- Baron, Gordon, Thornton, Randolph, Camby

LA LAKERS
As previously mentioned, Lamar leads the entire league at +20.1. It should be noted that he's frequently matched up with 2nd unit guys now that he's a 6th man so that stat might need an asterisk. Trevor Ariza's also at an eye-popping +18.2. Kobe's just being Kobe (+14.7). The entire rotation has big numbers but these three are the biggest contributors to the team's 17-2 start.

Best- Fish, Kobe, Ariza, Lamar, Pau

'Only 25 minutes a game for me, Phil? C'mon!'



MEMPHIS
Media darlings OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay (can I just combine their names and call them Ru J Gayo?) get a lot of attention for their big scoring numbers but these two are getting smashed in plus/minus (-7.6 and -8.6 respectively). The team is so bad, they're still the best options for big minutes but neither of these guys should be considered a star by any means. Like Jamal Crawford, they get points but not results. The team's best players? Darko and Hakim Warrick, believe it or not.

Best- Lowry, Mayo, Gay, Warrick, Milicic

MIAMI
Wade (+6.9) and Marion (+5.7) are solid. Michael Beasley's getting ripped in the press but still manages to stay in the black at +1.1.

Best- Chalmers, Wade, Marion, Beasley, Haslem

MILWAUKEE
Sessions is better than Ridnour (+1.1 to -1.1). Charlie Bell is the weak link at -6.7. Rookie Luc Richard Mbaha Moute should be starting.

Best- Sessions, Redd, Jefferson, Mbaha Moute, Bogut

MINNESOTA
Not that Wittless is gone, McFail decides who gets the minutes. The smart money's on benching Gomes (-8.1) and Assy Telfair (-4.9).

Best- Foye, McCants, Miller, Love, Jefferson

NJ NETS
Devin Harris is the only starter playing winning ball. Expect the losses to start piling up any day now. Their best chance of winning is with this lineup (seriously).

Best- Harris, Carter, Hassell, Yi, Lopez

NY KNICKS
No positives. Tim Thomas is the worst at -16. Harrington's at -6.9. Blech.

Best- Duhon, Q, Chandler, Lee, Harrington

OKC SUPERSTOLENS
Earl Watson (-19) and Nick Collison (-22.5) are playing CBA ball out there. Russell Westbrook and Joe Smith are much better options at those positions.

Best- Westbrook, Mason, Durant, Smith, Wilcox

ORLANDO
Michael Pietrus was playing beautifully before getting hurt (+11.8). Good acquisition by Otis Smith (can't believe I just wrote that!).

Best- Nelson, Pietrus, Turk, Rashard, Howard

PHILLY
The numbers seem to indicate that the Sixers are losing mostly due to poor play by their bench, specifically Louis Williams (-6.9). Iggy leads the team at +4.3.

Best- Miller, Iggy, Thaddeus, Brand, Dalembert

PHOENIX
Nash is the best starter at +3.4. Shaq's breaking even. Leandro Barbosa's fallen off a cliff at -7.2. His mother just died so maybe he's having trouble focusing.

Best- Nash, Bell, Barnes, Diaw, Stoudemire (sorry, Shaq)

PORTLAND
Nic Batum (+9.3) and Aldridge (+9.2) lead the team. Prezbo (+6.1) is outplaying Oden (+0.3).

Best- Blake, Roy, Batum, Aldridge, Prezbo

SACTO
Their 'best' is Beno Udrih at -4. Bobby Brown (and I'm not being cruel) is at -12. Rookie Jason Thompson is deserving of some extra burn.

Best- Beno, Salmons, Thompson, Mikki Moore, Brad Miller (in your face, Lil' Brad Hawes)

SPURS
Bonner! +11.7! I'm speechless. Ime Udoka's next at +8.8. So why the slow start? Amazingly, Duncan and Parker are both in the red for the year.

Best- TP, Ginobili, Udoka, Bonner, Duncan

TORONTO
Kris Humphries and Jamario Moon have been their only good players. Bosh and Calderon are both hovering around -2. Jermaine is a weak -5.3.

Best- Calderon, Parker, Moon, Humphries, Bosh

UTAH
AK47 and Paul Millsap have been excellent. DWill and Boozer, even when healthy, have been only so-so.

Best- Williams, Brewer, Kirilenko, Millsap, Okur

WIZ
You know you're fucked when Nick Young and Andray Blatche are your best players. Deshawn Stevenson (-12.1) better grow his beard back or something.

Best- Juan Dixon, Butler, Jamison, Songaila, rookie Javale McGee

So there you have it. Again, not necessarily the best starting units but a strong recommendation for who should be out there in the 4th quarter when the game's on the line.

Thanks, 82games. You rock.

Western Conference Predictions 2008/9

The big Qs- Is Bynumite the missing piece? Does Posey put the Hornets over the top? Are the Spurs done? Is this the year Ron Ron eats a baby?

Pacific Division
Los Angeles Lakers (62-20)
With Bynum back in the fold, they'll finish with the best record in the league. But without dealing one of their PFs (Odom, Gasol) for a versatile 3 (like Marion), they won't have the defensive balance to win a title. I also wonder who'll fill in for Turiaf as the energy guy off the bench. I'm seeing a Game 7 loss in the Western Conference Finals. And another MVP for Kobe, bad pinkie and all.

Phoenix Suns (58-24)
Even with all the chaos Steve Kerr hath wrought, this team still has Nash, Amare and Barbosa. That should be good enough for their customary heartbreaking loss in the 2nd round of the playoffs. The most interesting plotline here: is this Shaq's last season? And if so, what's his legacy- Most Dominant Ever or egomaniacal stooge?

*Note- Shaq just announced he plans to play two more seasons.

Los Angeles Clippers (45-37)
The Baron/Brand Conspiracy Gone Wrong was the story of the summer. And I'm still amazed that they got Camby from Denver for a 2nd round pick. Things were actually looking good until they signed Ricky Davis and Jason Williams, the basketball equivalent of having SARS and Avian Bird Flu in the locker room.

*Note- Jason Williams announced he's retiring. Add another couple wins to LA's predicted total.

Golden State Warriors (28-54)
Went from tantalizing to terrible in a month. This Monta Ellis fiasco couldn't come at a worse time. And if they were gonna spend that much dough on Maggette, why didn't they just pay Baron in the first place? A real botch job by Mullin. Silver lining: rookie Anthony Randolph was dominant in Summer League (but then again, so was Koko Archibong).

Sacramento Kings (19-63)
No cowbells ringing this year. Their two best players, Kevin Martin and John Salmons, play the same position. They traded Artest for an old, hobbled Bobby Jackson. Brad Miller still can't guard a chair. Bye bye, Reggie Theus. Nice knowing you. Maybe you can go back into modeling.



Southwest Division
New Orleans Hornets (60-22)
They won't sneak up on anybody this year. But the addition of Posey provides another tested playoff performer and perimeter defender, both important qualities they lacked. Another season of chemistry between CP3, West and Chandler leads to Byron Scott's first championship as a coach.

Houston Rockets (58-24)
The fragile bodies of Yao and TMac keep Houston from being a true contender, even with madman Artest on board. And Rafer Alston isn't a leader by any stretch of the imagination. Their roster is deep, though. If all the cards fall into place, they could be scary. More likely, they play well in spurts that coincide with the everchanging moods of Ron Ron.

San Antonio Spurs (54-28)
First, the bad: Ginobili's injury means they'll start slow. Bruce Bowen is 37 so his days as a stopper are coming to an end. Michael Finley remains one of the least effective starters in the league. The good: Duncan's still only 32. Parker's still Parker. Popovich remains one of the game's best coaches. Ditto for Buford as GM. So even with bad omens everywhere, they could still hoist another trophy in June.

Dallas Mavericks (46-36)
Jason Kidd is a shadow of his former self. I'm a Carlisle fan but I don't see how much more he can get out of this aging bunch who seem to have left their collective heart in Miami two years ago. They still play pansy-ass, jump shooting basketball, not a recipe for success in a man's league. Dirk continues his downward career arc from 'the next Larry Bird' to 'the next Tom Chambers.'

Memphis Grizzlies (12-70)
Worst team in basketball, right here. Other than Rudy Gay, they've got nothing. OJ Mayo will have every opportunity to show the world what a slightly-above-average basketball player he is. Subtract an additional three wins if the Zach Randolph trade goes through. Mike Conley continues to develop...very...slowly. As Yoda would say, 'Unwatchable, they will be.'

Northwest Division
Utah Jazz (55-27)
So predictable, so efficient, so boring. Another solid year for DWilliams and Boozer. Another year of hard fouls from Harpring. Another year of wifeswapping for Kirilenko. Yawn.



Portland Trail Blazers (50-32)
Tough luck: as soon as Oden comes back, Brandon Roy goes down. Expect things to start clicking around mid-season as Rudy Fernandez gets comfy and everyone's healthy at the same time. Still think they should've kept James Jones, though. Oden averages 13/10/3 to edge Beasley for ROY.

Denver Nuggets (38-44)
Blow 'em up, start over. Without Camby in the middle, this team will give up 180 points a game. No way they finish the season with Melo, Iverson AND George Karl on the payroll. When your biggest offseason move is giving a fat contract to JR Smith, you know you're fucked. Maybe Kenyon Martin will punch Nene again. At least that'd be exciting.

Minnesota Timberwolves (24-58)
Let the Kevin Love era begin. I'm sure he'll win a handful of games with his artful outlet passes alone. I keeeed, I keeeeed. It'll be more of the same drudgery in 'Sota as McHale proves again his complete ineptitude at drafting. Mike Miller seems to be making a career of scoring points on dreadful teams. He's like the Kelly Tripucka of this generation.

Oklahoma City Thunder (18-64)
Fuck Clay Bennett. That douchebag doesn't deserve Kevin Durant. Or sold out arenas. May the ghost of Detlef Schremph eternally haunt this franchise.

Andrew Bynum: The Next Benoit Benjamin?

As the Lakers contemplate whether or not to give young, recently injured Andrew Bynum a max contract, I�m reminded of another talented center with limitless potential and a questionable work ethic- Benoit Benjamin.

In case you don�t remember Benoit, he was a lottery pick of the Clippers in �85. His first few years in the league, he showed steady progress and appeared to be on the verge of stardom in �88 when he averaged over 16 points, almost 9 boards and over 3 blocks a game.

Then he got a big contract.



The rest of Benjamin�s 15-year career was respectable but hardly noteworthy. Particularly annoying to fans and management alike was Benoit�s complete lack of focus. His legacy was bringing two left sneakers to an exhibition game.

Numerous times in his first three seasons, Andrew Bynum�s attitude has been questioned by not only Kobe Bryant (the parking lot rant) but also by Hall Of Fame mentor, Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Phil Jackson repeatedly called him out for being lazy and slow to learn defensive rotations.

In fact, until this year, Bynum didn�t impress anyone except Jim Buss, the man responsible for drafting him against the better wishes of just about everyone else in the organization.

Then early last season, the kid had his big breakout. With Chris Mihm injured, Bynum stepped into the starting role and played like he belonged there, averaging a double-double and blocking shots at a league-leading pace. With each impressive performance, the critics grew quieter. Kobe stopped pining for Jason Kidd. Phil seemed genuinely surprised and delighted at this unexpected good fortune. Great nicknames like 'Mandrew' and 'Bynumite' started popping up all over the place. People started comparing him to Shaq, for fuck's sake.



As you know, the story doesn't end well. Bynum hurt his knee and missed the entire second half of the season plus the playoffs. In the aftermath of the Lakers/Celtics debacle, many wondered whether his presence alone would have altered the outcome. Wow. Think about that for a sec. Thirty games of solid basketball and suddenly Andrew Bynum's absence is the reason LA lost the title.

Pretty good time to negotiate a new contract, right?

Laker fans think Bynum deserves a max deal now, even though his rookie deal's good through the end of the year. They want to lock him up to keep him from leaving as a free agent in '09.

But what's Bynum proven, really? He hasn't been an All-Star or a Finals MVP. And he's coming off a knee injury. Why not wait until the kid shows he can do it for a full season before breaking the bank?

Remember Benoit Benjamin? I do. I remember a talented big man who stopped caring the second he got paid.

Note: Compare third year numbers between Bynum and Benjamin.

Team Nike vs Adidas Brotherhood

Everyone knows that Nike absolutely dominates the US basketball shoe market. Adidas is solidly in second place but it's an extremely distant second, like Phil Mickelson chasing Tiger Woods.

The men's US Olympic team is basically Nike's honor roll: Kobe, Lebron, Kidd, Chris Paul, D Williams, Boozer, Bosh, Carmelo, Tayshaun Prince, Mike Redd- all these guys have Nike contracts. Even Coach K has a shoe deal with Nike. Of the entire team, only Dwyane Wade (Converse, which is now owned by Nike) and Dwight Howard (Adidas) are non-Nike members.

Now look at the players Adidas currently has on its roster: Howard, KG, Duncan, Gilbert Arenas, Chauncey Billups, Tracey McGrady, Josh Smith, Leandro Barbosa and Antawn Jamison.


Get where I'm going with this?

I'm saying fuck the Olympics; nobody gives a shit how many points the US beats Latvia by. I WANNA SEE THE NIKE AND ADIDAS TEAMS GO AT IT.

I wanna see a qualifying series, best of seven, and the winner then gets to represent the USA in the Olympics.

The NBA's always talking about 'transparency.' How about some transparency about how our US team is chosen? Instead of selling the public the ridiculous idea that 12 out of 14 members of our 'national' team just coincidentally happen to be represented by the same conglomerate, why not make the shoe companies battle it out for all the marbles?

This will never happen, of course. Nike wouldn't have the balls. And these millionaire athletes would have to admit that their interest in the tournament was as much financial as patriotic.

Let The 'REAL SEASON' Begin

OK, so the regular season is behind us and we're two games into what's shaping up as a monstrous playoff run. Looking back at my pre-season predictions, I got some right and some very, very wrong.

Betting on Chris Paul to fail at something is not a mistake I'll ever make again. Paul wasn't supposed to be this good, this quick. I'm a huge Kobe fan but I wouldn't be disappointed if Paul took home the Maurice Podoloff (who the fuck is Maurice Podoloff???) trophy this year for best player in the ol' NBA. The kid is brilliant and he's absolutely destroying Dallas in the first two games of that series.

Avery Johnson needs to come up with some kind of matchup zone to keep CP out of the paint or he's gonna lose that cushy Mavs coaching job. Another first round exit probably means Avery's head. Truth be told, it ain't all The General's fault. That team is comprised of slow, soft, middle-aged jumpshooters. How many old, perimeter-based squads have won titles over the years? Zilch.

Note: This is Maurice Podoloff, btw. His friends called him MoPod.

My Predictions For '07/8

I can't wait for the season to start. I really can't. So much drama, so many good storylines. What's Kobe gonna do? Do AK47 and Matrix get shipped? Does the KG experiment work in Boston?

Let's start with the Leastern Conference, Atlantis Division.

1. CELTICS
I dig the KG/Pierce/Ray trio. Pierce and Ray are both versatile players who can get their own shots at any time. It'll be interesting to see who the alpha dog is in fourth quarter situations. I'm picking the Cs to win 52 games, have some injury problems and then end up losing to the Pistons in the Conference Finals. It also wouldn't surprise me if the team started slowly and Danny Ainge brought in Larry Brown to take over for Doc at the All Star break.

2. NETS
Who gives a shit, really? 45 wins. Another good year statistically for Kidd and Carter. Whatever. The only intrigue here is if Kidd gets dealt (please, come to the Lakers, pleasepleaseplease...).

3. RAPS
I think they could slide this year, honestly. My crystal ball tells me that Bosh is gonna miss a lot of games and Bargnani won't be a star just yet. And doesn't Sam Mitchell seem like a dick?

4. SIXERS
Too much was made of their good run at the end of last season. Iggy and Andre Miller can play but this team still sucks. And don't forget Dalembert's already injured. At some point this year, you'll hear the words 'they really seem to miss Joe Smith.' I swear. Watch. 'They're just not the same without Joe Smith out there.' Hilarious.

5. KNICKS
What? The? Fuck? After last season, I thought it couldn't get any worse for Isiah and the boys. Boy, was I wrong! Losing a 10 million dollar suit AND signing Zach Randolph? Wow. Just wow. I'm picking them to win 20 games. Seriously, 20-62. Marbury's a nutjob. Curry could drop dead at any minute. QRich has the worst Knick back since Larry Johnson. This is the year it all bottoms out. And Isiah probably gets shitcanned. At least Knick fans will have Lebron rumors to keep them warm at night.

OK, on to the Central.

1. DETROIT
They'll win the division and go to the Finals. Big years for Sheed and Billups. Youngsters Maxiell and Stuckey show promise. They're so consistent, these Pistons, kind of like The Spurs of the East.

2. BULLS
This Deng kid is pretty good. Reminds me of a young Pippen. And if Ty Thomas blows up the way I think he will, this team could knock off Detroit. But I don't see Skiles and Big Ben getting along for very long, do you? That's a Sprewell/Carlesimo Part 2 waiting to happen, right there.

3. CAVS
Cleveland will disappoint. Their inability to improve this off-season will hurt not only their chances to win the title this year but also to keep Lebron James in '09. I wouldn't be surprised to see Mike Brown fired after a disappointing early playoff exit.

4. PACERS
They'll be better than most expect. Jermaine O'Neal is still one of the best two way players in the league and Granger is poised to break out. Jim O'Brien's open offense will make everyone happy, even if they don't make the playoffs.

5. BUCKS
Huge deals for Bobby Simmons, Mo Williams, Charlie Bell? Those aren't guys you want break the bank for, Senator Kohl. And drafting Yi is not gonna work out well. He's got bust written all over him. Poor Mike Redd. He goes from the Dream Team to this?

Southeast

1. HEAT
With DWade back in MVP form, the Heat win 50+ games again. The Shaq/Zo combo platoon continues to be effective and lengthen their respective careers. I'm intrigued by Dorrell Wright. I'll bet he gets big minutes this year.

2. MAGIC
Dwight Howard will continue to dominate and draw 'young Shaq' comparisons. Rashard's shooting will open up a lot of space down low. Stan Van should be able to squeeze 45 wins out of these guys.

3. WIZARDS
I don't think Gilbert's full strength yet. In fact, I'm going on record right now saying that he misses half the season. He'll come back in time to make sure he doesn't jeopardize his impending free agency, bet on that. Antawn Jamison will be traded soon, too. Who Grunfeld gets back will determine the future of the franchise, and obviously whether or not Arenas stays.

4. BOBCATS
Why is Michael Jordan a GM, again? Gerald Wallace isn't worth all that money. And the Morrison pick is looking more foolish by the minute. The big story here is whether or not Meka's healthy. Doesn't really matter, though. They'll suck. JRich wasn't the answer, either. Another puzzling move by MJ.

5. HAWKS
No defense, no bball IQ. Horford's gonna be solid, though. Maybe not this year but soon. Joe Johnson gets to spend another year wondering why he left Phoenix. This team seems cursed. Maybe not as bad as The Clippers but close.

Over to The West we go. In the Pacific...

1. SUNS
Nash wins the MVP again as the Suns get to 60 wins. Marion will be dealt before the season ends. Amare's knees will continue to be an issue. Title talks are premature, however. They still won't get past The Spurs.

2. LAKERS
My guys will win a handful more games than they did last year, maybe jump up to 48 wins or so. The addition of Fisher (and subtraction of Smush) assures that. And I'm one of those who actually believe in Andrew Bynum. I wouldn't NOT DEAL HIM FOR KIDD or anything but I do think he's gonna put up 13/8/2 this year. Kwame Brown's on the way out the door, probably for draft picks. Sadly, I don't anticipate Phil coming back, either. Kobe? Who knows? But if I had to bet, I'd put my money on him retiring a Laker.

3. WARRIORS
Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay! This season will be rockier than the Warriors trying to get back home to Coney Island. Baron will get hurt like he always does. And that means Stephen Jackson is your team leader. Other ominous sign: a possible Nellie/Mullin rift.

4. KINGS
I bet both Mike Bibby and Ron Artest get traded. And Brad Miller looks ready to hang 'em up. Reggie Theus will be coaching in front of small crowds.

5. CLIPS
Just like old times. Ah, that old familiar sting of being in last place. Sam Cassell can't leave fast enough. Sure, he'll end up in the front office but he's too smart to have it be THIS front office. You know what would be really funny? A fight between Kaman and Tim Thomas.


Southwest
1. MAVS
With 60+ wins, they'll have the best regular season record again. But their pansy- ass jump shooting brand of basketball will lead to another embarrassing playoff choke. Dirk and Cuban beef openly. Avery wins Coach Of The Year, ironically.

2. SPURS
As always, they use the regular season to tune up and then win another title with strong D and continued improvement from Tony Parker, who gets MVP buzz. Duncan's got a few good seasons left in him.

3. ROCKETS
Yao's not really an uptempo player so it'll be interesting to see how Adelman structures the offense. TMac will be phenomenal, possibly 1st Team All NBA, if he stays healthy.

4. GRIZZ
Conley will be Durant's only competition for ROY. This team will play no defense whatsoever but Pau, Miller, Conley will all be amazing fantasy league players.

5. HORNETS
Not sure why, but I bet they implode. We get to see Chris Paul's ugly side. Byron Scott erupts! Tyson Chandler goes nuts and starts biting people. I'm feeling a dark energy from the Hornets...

Northwest

1. NUGS
Best team in a weak division. 50 wins sounds about right. Melo dominates, AI matures into a heady player. Karl's still one of the game's best coaches. KMart should just retire. He's not gonna come back. No way.

2. JAZZ
Distractions caused by DWill and Boozer free agency rumors will cause things to unravel a bit. AK will get traded to someplace unexpected like Philly.

3. SONICS
The Oklahoma City-bound Sonics will feature Delonte and Durant in a supersized backcourt. Kurt Thomas has his best season in 5 years. They'll still be unwatchable.

4. BLAZERS
With Oden, they were worth talking about. As is, they'll be boring, predictable and extremely unsuccessful in the winning of basketball games. Aldridge and Roy will continue to grow and wait for Golden Olden to return and anchor the middle.

4. WOLVES
Sucky. Foye and Jefferson will score a lot. Marco Jaric will get arrested for assaulting a woman. McHale really put together an awful team, eh?

MVP- Nash
Def Player- Garnett
Most Improved- Ty Thomas
ROY- Durant (Conley 2nd)
Coach- Avery

Champs- Spurs (over Pistons)

What Could've Been

Watching Kobe and Kidd zip around the court for Team America turning steals into dunks makes me livid at Kupcake for not pulling the trigger on that Bynum-Kidd deal last year. Despite rumors to the contrary, Kidd obviously still has a lot left in the tank. And while Bynum has shown glimpses of incredible promise, he's a long ways away from being a consistent starter, much less a dominant big man. How do you pass on a chance to get Jason Kidd when your starting point guard is Smush Motherfucking Parker?

Germ and Big Ben took me to a Lakers/Wolves game last year where Bynum had a double-double and was blocking shots like crazy. Staples was chanting 'By-num, By-num,' I swear this is true. Garnett was killing us the way he always does but everyone in that building knew he was gonna opt out and be wearing the purple-and-gold in '08. Everyone knew it. It was a beautiful night, and not just because the Lakers won going away. We saw the future that night- our dynastic, overpowering, title-winning front line. Granted we were full of beer, weed and Oxycontin, but we believed in this vision.

So what happened since then to put a damper on things?

Well, for one, Bynum didn't repeat that night's performance very often. A typical game for Andrew consisted of late rotations, dumb fouls and an earful from Phil or Kobe (or both). Sometimes Kareem would get in the act, too, pointing out his pupil's basic lack of comprehension. Then the whole Kobe-in-the-parking-lot thing went down and the lasting impression was that Bynum was Jim Buss' pet project, more important than getting Kobe and Phil what they need to compete with the Spurs/Mavs/Suns in the West.

Garnett wanted to come. But the Wolves got lots of better offers elsewhere. Maybe if LA had done a better job of drafting in recent years, they'd have some additional chips to throw in the pot but the sad truth is that the current Lakers roster has very few players that other teams covet and would want to trade for.

So now here we are, watching Kobe dominate the world and rub it in our faces. He's playing better defense than he has in five years for Los Angeles. He's cheating on us, in a way, savoring all the desirable companionship he's not getting at home. We just want him to be happy and to not leave us.

What a difference six months makes.

Next Jordans

With Kevin Durant firmly in the lead for 2007's Next Jordan nomination, I'd like to point out some previous candidates, nominees and wannabees compared to His Airness by idiots in the press at one time or another.

Grant Hill- With a body made entirely out of balsa wood and construction paper, Hill once got injured eating a sandwich. That's actually a lie, it didn't happen- but you believed me for a second, didn't you? It IS feasible that a sandwich could injure Grant Hill. What a pussy.

Ray Allen- Also a pussy. Spent his career avoiding the lane and shooting ten 3s a game. If anything, Ray Ray turned out to be the Next Glen Rice.

Harold Miner- Baby Jordan dunked a lot at 'SC, then played a total of 47 seconds in the NBA. The only thing Miner had in common with Mike was male-pattern baldness.



Mitch Richmond- The M in RUN-TMC, but certainly no Jordan. Scored 20+ for ten years in a row but usually played on mediocre squads that missed the playoffs.

JR Rider-Expectations swelled when he was killing 'em at UNLV, one 'expert' going so far as to call him the best college player ever. Instead of turning that momentum into NBA stardom, JR decided he's rather roll up his career and smoke it.

Ron Harper- As a high-flying Cavalier, Harper drew the comparison frequently for awhile. Then he blew his knee out. Then he realized he'd been traded to The Clippers and aged fifty years overnight.

Vince Carter- Simultaneously the most athletic and apathetic player in league history. Would be pretty good if he gave a shit. Coaches hate him.

Jerry Stackhouse- I'll give him credit for socking Christian Laettner (Jordan definitely would have done that) but that's where the similarities end. This Tar Heel had neither the handle nor the leadership to make the label stick.

Lebron James- All the talent in the world but his killer instinct is still in question. Can you imagine MJ nervously chewing his nails in a playoff game? Of course not.

Kobe Bryant- A legit comparison, skillwise. Kobe can do all the same things physically but gets too enamored with his own ego-driven agendas. And only in the very beginning of his career did Bryant approach MJ's tenacity at the defensive end.

So bring it, Durant. You've got some big shoes to fill. Or not.