Sheed- Great Talent, Total Douchebag

Rasheed Wallace was the 4th selection in the 1995 NBA Draft, taken one spot ahead of Kevin Garnett and behind Joe Smith, Antonio McDyess and Jerry Stackhouse.

Amazingly, he's the first player in that group to retire. And he went out with style, starting Game 7 of the NBA Finals and playing really well in a losing effort.

Yet nobody cried when he left. Nobody said "Please, Sheed, stay one more season."

Why? The guy made four All Star teams and won an NBA title. He started 956 out of 1088 games in his career. He was a hell of a player. He was also a colossal douchebag.

Sheed started 65 games for the Washington Bullets in his inaugural season because incumbent star Chris Webber was injured. Wallace averaged double figures and was a low post presence on both ends. He was also repeatedly late for practices and amassed 22 technical fouls.

His personal life was a shambles. His girlfriend at the time, Chiquita Bryant, filed assault charges against him and then abducted their son, Ishmael. During a TNT telecast, Sheed pleaded for the public's help in finding his lost child. The boy would stay missing for two years before being reunited with his father in 1998.

In the meantime, the Bullets traded him to Portland for Rod Strickland.

He walked into a Portland locker room filled with the likes of JR (then Isaiah) Rider, Kenny Anderson, Jermaine O'Neal and Gary Trent. In 1997, the team added Damon Stoudamire. In 1998, Bonzi Wells came into the fold.

It was a perfect storm of self-entitled childish buffoonery.

Sheed racked up 38 techs in '98, setting a league record. The next year, he made it to 40.

Another disturbing trend was developing: Sheed was drifting further and further from the basket. Despite being one of the league's best post players, Sheed began to see himself as a three point shooter. As a player, this would be ultimately be his downfall. For his career, he shot 34% from distance.

In '01, Ruben Patterson and Zach Randolph came onboard the Good Ship Jailblazer. The team was winning but even their own fanbase hated them.

Darius Miles arrived in '03, the same year Wallace threatened Tim Donaghy after a home game, resulting in a 7 game suspension.

Then Sheed unleased a ridiculous diatribe on the league's commissioner, saying that "Stern only drafts niggers who are dumb and dumber." Whoa.

He was traded to Atlanta for one game, and then subsequently redirected to the Detroit Pistons, where he reunited with Larry Brown who he knew from his college days at North Carolina.

He helped the Pistons beat the Lakers for the title in 2004. Sheed celebrated by having championship belts made for every one of his teammates. The Pistons remained a perennial Eastern Conference power for five years but Wallace's game was in slow decline. As his three point attempts increased, his shooting and rebounding numbers suffered.

The Celtics apparently didn't notice this dropoff and signed him before the 2010 season. By all accounts, the regular season was a complete disaster for Sheed. He showed up out of shape and got blasted in the press. Bill Simmons constantly referred to his bad attitude and 'man boobs.'

Then the playoffs started and the creaky old Cs put an astonishing run together, knocking off Cleveland and Orlando before succumbing to the Lakers in Game 7. With Kendrick Perkins injured, Sheed started in the last game of his career and played brilliantly, in the first half at least. He posted up. He competed. He gave his team a chance to win, helping Boston build a 13-point lead on the road.

But it wasn't meant to be. After the game, he made an ass of himself one last time, waiting outside the referee's dressing room menacingly.

Sheed went out the way he came in- pissed off and petulant.

For his career, he made over 150 million but it's still surprising that he'd leave 12 mil on the table. But then again, nobody ever really understood Sheed. Maybe he didn't even understand himself.

As he once said "Everybody is not going to like you. Fifty percent like you, 50 percent hate you. You just gotta keep walking that straight path."

Rasheed's path was anything but straight. Or predictable. Personally, I was never a fan but like most basketball enthusiasts, I can't say enough about his talent. I only wish he'd posted up more and shut the fuck up every now and then.

Pictured: Young Sheed with Wilt Chamberlain

The Big Ifs: Who Could Topple LA?

Now that LA has Ron Ron, it's a widely held belief that Kobe and company will be hoisting another trophy next season. Here's a list of some Big Ifs- what each contender would need to have happen in order to topple the champs.

Boston could win the title if KG reverts to his MVP-form of 2004. Pretty unlikely given his age and the severity of his recent knee injury.

Orlando could win the title if Vince Cancer learns to take good shots and play defense for the first time in his 12 year career. VC's always had the tools so why has his career been pockmarked by fadeaway 3s and total apathy on the defensive end? Dude's got no heart.

San Antonio could win the title if Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker stay healthy. It goes without saying that Tim Duncan would also have to put up typical Duncan numbers on both ends. That team is nothing without him at full strength.

Cleveland could win the title if Shaq reports to camp in shape and plays at least 75 games. Much of O'Neal's reputation as a lousy P&R defender is a result of showing up fat and lazy, year after year.

Portland could win the title if Greg Oden contends for Defensive Player Of The Year. In order for Oden to accomplish this tall task, he'll have to start and play at least 30 minutes a game. Hear that, Nate? No more starting Prezbo. Throw the kid in there and let him sink or swim. Leave him in the game when he picks up two fouls in the first. Make it a priority to get him as many minutes as possible.

Denver could win the title if Nene leads the league in rebounding. Actually, scratch that. Denver can't win the title. Who am I kidding? No team with a forward playing center ever wins a ring.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The 2004 Pistons had Ben Wallace at C. Depending on your point of view, this may or may not disprove my theory above.

I'm sure some of you are thinking "Where's Utah?" Or "What about Atlanta?" "The Suns have got a shot." This is probably because you live in those cities and have an unreasonable expectation for their success based on pure homerism. I'm sorry. Your team will win nothing next year. As usual. Enjoy your one (or possibly two) playoff series.

Pictured: KG circa 2004 accepting the Podoloff in a fancy lab coat

Loose Balls- Monday

SHITBURY WATCH
The Celtics are now 1-1 with Shitbury in the fold. He was OK in the win against Indianapolis but lousy in the loss to Detroit.

His combined stats in 25 total minutes of action:
4/9 FG, 5 Asst, 2 Reb, 1 Stl, 5 TOs, 4 PFs.
His plus/minus during that span is -1.

That's a lot of turnovers and fouls for a self-proclaimed superstar playing against second unit guys. Youngsters Will Bynum and Brandon Rush both clowned him. Sure, Steph's probably not in game shape yet but this is a dubious beginning, to say the least.

And doesn't he just look wrong in a Celtic uniform? I'm not feeling good about this...


MIKKI MOORE- FAIL
Mikki Moore has never impressed me. When he was a Clipper, I saw him on a regular basis and always thought of him as a big who played small, a modern-day Keith Closs (getting dunked on here and getting his ass whupped here). I'm not sure why Ainge jumped at the chance to nab Mikki instead of waiting on Joe Smith. Prior to last season's Ray Allen and KG deals, Ainge was the worst GM in basketball. It seems he's turning back into a pumpkin before our eyes.

THE ANSWER...OR THE CANCER?
Immediately after trading AI to Detroit for Billups, the Nugs went on a streak that propelled them to a high seed and likely home-court advantage in the playoffs. Detroit? They took a shit and lost 12 out of 16. Just when it looked like they were completely done for the season, AI had to shut it down because of a back problem. Guess what? As soon as he sits, the team goes back to being a juggernaut. Rip scores 32, everyone plays D and shares the ball...it's uncanny how AI's mere subtraction makes that team about 500% better.

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD (OR NOT)
The Hornets are now 4-0 since having Tyson Chandler dumped back in their laps by the Superstolens. It's hard to tell whether he's rejuvenated by the shakeup or just finally healthy (or both), but Chandler's rebounding and blocking shots again. As a result, New Orleans is back to being a contender. Even if they win the title, management will probably jettison him again after the season. That's life playing for the cheap-ass Hornets.

LAST OF THE CORNROWS
Now that AI, Melo and Big Ben have shaved off their cornrows (and officially ended their attachment to wack mid-90s fashion), I'd like to politely ask the same of Jared Dudley, Thabo Sefolosha and Kyle Weaver. Not a good look, fellas. Never was.

Pictured: Axl Rose doing his 'cracked-out Bo Derek' impression.

Aaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooo! Shitbury On Celtics Radar!

Both KG and Ray Allen have now given their public blessings to the possibility of adding Stephon Marbury to the struggling Celtics roster.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

Hey, Ainge. You won the title last year, remember? Why would you even CONSIDER adding Shitbury to your championship mix?

Remember this?

How about this?

Or this?


Shitbury should go join Steve Francis in Memphis. He should help that washed up loser teach Gay and Mayo how to be world class douchebags. That makes sense. Or he should go fuck off in Miami, which isn't gonna win anything with or without his sorry ass. But he should NEVER EVER EVER be anywhere near Boston's emerging young point guard, Rajon Rondo.

Do us all a favor and pass on this one, Ainge. Don't forget that two years ago you were widely regarded as the biggest moron in basketball.

KG- All Talk

Lots of coverage lately about the unhinged behavior of Kevin Garnett. Of course you've seen the much discussed incidents with Jose Calderon and Jerryd Bayless. Many pundits consider his antics a motivational tactic. I'm more inclined to think that KG's just a foul-mouthed spaz with a glandular disorder or some particularly obscene form of Tourette's Syndrome.

He's certainly no tough guy. Despite all the trashtalk, this is what happens when somebody actually calls KG out (in this case former journeyman Anthony Peeler).

Personally, I've always been entertained by his quirkiness but I'm surprised that more players haven't pulled a Peeler and clocked his ass.

The Power Of The Plus/Minus

82games.com is pretty bad ass. Basically, they compile every stat imaginable to give a true indication of actual performance beyond the box score. My favorite stat is plus/minus per 48 minutes, which essentially tracks a player's performance, even in limited minutes, and predicts what kind of an impact that player would have over a full game. The plus/minus isn't just about scoring; it's about the overall effect on both ends of the court and how that translates into winning.

Using 82games data, I went through every team in the league and put together what each team's ideal lineup would be based on this theory. This doesn't mean these players should all be starters but it does mean they should get big minutes and be on the floor when the game's decided. I only included players who were already in the rotation since garbage time stats can be misleading.

What I discovered is that several big name stars would better serve their teams by riding the pine (I'm talking to you, AI).

ATLANTA
Josh Smith's numbers project to an astonishing +19.4 per 48 minutes. This makes him the 2nd most effective player in the entire NBA right now (Lamar Odom's first with 20.1 but more on him later).

Best lineup- Bibby, Johnson, Williams, Smith, Horford

Kudos to Mike Woodson for knowing the numbers and playing his best unit big minutes.

BOSTON
No surprises. KG leads the team at +15.5. Ray Allen's second at 14.8.

Best- Rondo, Allen, Pierce, KG, Perkins

CHARLOTTE
The entire team is in the negative so it's really just a matter of choosing who sucks the least. Also, basketball is a team sport so one good player can't make the other four not suck. Jason Richardson has their best numbers (-0.9), Matt Carroll, their worst (-10.1).

Best- Augustin, Felton, Richardson, Wallace, Okafor

CHICAGO
Andres Nocioni is a winner (+4.8) and should be not only starting but playing huge minutes on a team full of minuses. Thought Derrick Rose was a superstar? Think again- he's -5.5. Vinny Del Negro should also be aware that Drew Gooden's playing 30 minutes a game despite his awful production (-8.2)

Best- Rose, Gordon, Deng, Nocioni, Noah

CLEVELAND
The King lives up to his title with a gaudy +17.3. Delonte West is right on his heels at +15.7

Best- Williams, West, James, Wallace, Z

DALLAS
Contrary to popular belief, Kidd (+7.5) and Dirk (+6.9) are meshing well. The big surprise? Dampier (+10.5) actually has the best number on the team. Who's got the worst? Jerry Craphouse at an abysmal -24.6. In fact, that number makes Craphouse the league's worst player per 48. He's now out of the rotation and asking for a trade.

Best- Kidd, Terry, Howard, Nowitzki, Dampier

Sorry, Craphouse. No minutes for you.



DENVER
Chauncey's leading the team at +7.9. That AI trade's looking better all the time. Linas Kleiza is playing over 20 minutes a game but not producing (-2.8)

Best- Billups, JR Smith (not Dahntay Jones), Melo, Martin, Nene

DETROIT
Speaking of AI, he's at -1.7 and his ballhogging has made Rip Hamilton considerably less effective (-2.6). Stick 'em both on the bench. Arron Afflalo has been excellent (+12.8) in limited minutes- give him a shot.

Best- Stuckey, Afflalo, Prince, Sheed, Amir Johnson

Here's a clear case where the suggested change obviously WON'T happen. No way Curry brings AI or Rip off the bench but according to 82games, the Pistons would have a better chance of winning if he did.

GOLDEN ST
Jamal Crawford is a great example of a guy who puts up numbers that don't translate to wins. Since coming to the Warriors, he's at -12.9. Kelenna Azubuike's pretty awful, too (-8.7). Ronny Turiaf, AKA The Chocolate Moose, is the team's most efficient player at +4.7.

Best- CJ Watson, Maggette, Jax, Turiaf, Biedrins

HOUSTON
Shane Battier only played in a handful of games before getting hurt but his numbers are off the charts (+16.1). Yao's second at +8.5.

Best- Alston, Battier, McGrady, Artest, Yao

Yep, that's a lineup with Ron Ron at PF. Try it out, Adelman. Move Scola to the bench.

INDIANA
Granger (+3.2) and Marquis Daniels (+2.7) are their only good players. Little wonder they're a mediocre ballclub.

Best- Ford, Daniels, Granger, Murphy, Nesterovic

LA CLIPS
Nobody on the positive side. Camby's the closest at -1.4. Kaman (-9) and Ricky Davis (-21.3 for fuck's sake!) are the real reason this club is complete dogshit. Other than Craphouse, Ricky Buckets has been the worst rotation player in the game. I say 'has been' not because he IS ONE but because he hasn't seen significant PT in weeks.

Best- Baron, Gordon, Thornton, Randolph, Camby

LA LAKERS
As previously mentioned, Lamar leads the entire league at +20.1. It should be noted that he's frequently matched up with 2nd unit guys now that he's a 6th man so that stat might need an asterisk. Trevor Ariza's also at an eye-popping +18.2. Kobe's just being Kobe (+14.7). The entire rotation has big numbers but these three are the biggest contributors to the team's 17-2 start.

Best- Fish, Kobe, Ariza, Lamar, Pau

'Only 25 minutes a game for me, Phil? C'mon!'



MEMPHIS
Media darlings OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay (can I just combine their names and call them Ru J Gayo?) get a lot of attention for their big scoring numbers but these two are getting smashed in plus/minus (-7.6 and -8.6 respectively). The team is so bad, they're still the best options for big minutes but neither of these guys should be considered a star by any means. Like Jamal Crawford, they get points but not results. The team's best players? Darko and Hakim Warrick, believe it or not.

Best- Lowry, Mayo, Gay, Warrick, Milicic

MIAMI
Wade (+6.9) and Marion (+5.7) are solid. Michael Beasley's getting ripped in the press but still manages to stay in the black at +1.1.

Best- Chalmers, Wade, Marion, Beasley, Haslem

MILWAUKEE
Sessions is better than Ridnour (+1.1 to -1.1). Charlie Bell is the weak link at -6.7. Rookie Luc Richard Mbaha Moute should be starting.

Best- Sessions, Redd, Jefferson, Mbaha Moute, Bogut

MINNESOTA
Not that Wittless is gone, McFail decides who gets the minutes. The smart money's on benching Gomes (-8.1) and Assy Telfair (-4.9).

Best- Foye, McCants, Miller, Love, Jefferson

NJ NETS
Devin Harris is the only starter playing winning ball. Expect the losses to start piling up any day now. Their best chance of winning is with this lineup (seriously).

Best- Harris, Carter, Hassell, Yi, Lopez

NY KNICKS
No positives. Tim Thomas is the worst at -16. Harrington's at -6.9. Blech.

Best- Duhon, Q, Chandler, Lee, Harrington

OKC SUPERSTOLENS
Earl Watson (-19) and Nick Collison (-22.5) are playing CBA ball out there. Russell Westbrook and Joe Smith are much better options at those positions.

Best- Westbrook, Mason, Durant, Smith, Wilcox

ORLANDO
Michael Pietrus was playing beautifully before getting hurt (+11.8). Good acquisition by Otis Smith (can't believe I just wrote that!).

Best- Nelson, Pietrus, Turk, Rashard, Howard

PHILLY
The numbers seem to indicate that the Sixers are losing mostly due to poor play by their bench, specifically Louis Williams (-6.9). Iggy leads the team at +4.3.

Best- Miller, Iggy, Thaddeus, Brand, Dalembert

PHOENIX
Nash is the best starter at +3.4. Shaq's breaking even. Leandro Barbosa's fallen off a cliff at -7.2. His mother just died so maybe he's having trouble focusing.

Best- Nash, Bell, Barnes, Diaw, Stoudemire (sorry, Shaq)

PORTLAND
Nic Batum (+9.3) and Aldridge (+9.2) lead the team. Prezbo (+6.1) is outplaying Oden (+0.3).

Best- Blake, Roy, Batum, Aldridge, Prezbo

SACTO
Their 'best' is Beno Udrih at -4. Bobby Brown (and I'm not being cruel) is at -12. Rookie Jason Thompson is deserving of some extra burn.

Best- Beno, Salmons, Thompson, Mikki Moore, Brad Miller (in your face, Lil' Brad Hawes)

SPURS
Bonner! +11.7! I'm speechless. Ime Udoka's next at +8.8. So why the slow start? Amazingly, Duncan and Parker are both in the red for the year.

Best- TP, Ginobili, Udoka, Bonner, Duncan

TORONTO
Kris Humphries and Jamario Moon have been their only good players. Bosh and Calderon are both hovering around -2. Jermaine is a weak -5.3.

Best- Calderon, Parker, Moon, Humphries, Bosh

UTAH
AK47 and Paul Millsap have been excellent. DWill and Boozer, even when healthy, have been only so-so.

Best- Williams, Brewer, Kirilenko, Millsap, Okur

WIZ
You know you're fucked when Nick Young and Andray Blatche are your best players. Deshawn Stevenson (-12.1) better grow his beard back or something.

Best- Juan Dixon, Butler, Jamison, Songaila, rookie Javale McGee

So there you have it. Again, not necessarily the best starting units but a strong recommendation for who should be out there in the 4th quarter when the game's on the line.

Thanks, 82games. You rock.

Team Nike vs Adidas Brotherhood

Everyone knows that Nike absolutely dominates the US basketball shoe market. Adidas is solidly in second place but it's an extremely distant second, like Phil Mickelson chasing Tiger Woods.

The men's US Olympic team is basically Nike's honor roll: Kobe, Lebron, Kidd, Chris Paul, D Williams, Boozer, Bosh, Carmelo, Tayshaun Prince, Mike Redd- all these guys have Nike contracts. Even Coach K has a shoe deal with Nike. Of the entire team, only Dwyane Wade (Converse, which is now owned by Nike) and Dwight Howard (Adidas) are non-Nike members.

Now look at the players Adidas currently has on its roster: Howard, KG, Duncan, Gilbert Arenas, Chauncey Billups, Tracey McGrady, Josh Smith, Leandro Barbosa and Antawn Jamison.


Get where I'm going with this?

I'm saying fuck the Olympics; nobody gives a shit how many points the US beats Latvia by. I WANNA SEE THE NIKE AND ADIDAS TEAMS GO AT IT.

I wanna see a qualifying series, best of seven, and the winner then gets to represent the USA in the Olympics.

The NBA's always talking about 'transparency.' How about some transparency about how our US team is chosen? Instead of selling the public the ridiculous idea that 12 out of 14 members of our 'national' team just coincidentally happen to be represented by the same conglomerate, why not make the shoe companies battle it out for all the marbles?

This will never happen, of course. Nike wouldn't have the balls. And these millionaire athletes would have to admit that their interest in the tournament was as much financial as patriotic.

My Predictions For '07/8

I can't wait for the season to start. I really can't. So much drama, so many good storylines. What's Kobe gonna do? Do AK47 and Matrix get shipped? Does the KG experiment work in Boston?

Let's start with the Leastern Conference, Atlantis Division.

1. CELTICS
I dig the KG/Pierce/Ray trio. Pierce and Ray are both versatile players who can get their own shots at any time. It'll be interesting to see who the alpha dog is in fourth quarter situations. I'm picking the Cs to win 52 games, have some injury problems and then end up losing to the Pistons in the Conference Finals. It also wouldn't surprise me if the team started slowly and Danny Ainge brought in Larry Brown to take over for Doc at the All Star break.

2. NETS
Who gives a shit, really? 45 wins. Another good year statistically for Kidd and Carter. Whatever. The only intrigue here is if Kidd gets dealt (please, come to the Lakers, pleasepleaseplease...).

3. RAPS
I think they could slide this year, honestly. My crystal ball tells me that Bosh is gonna miss a lot of games and Bargnani won't be a star just yet. And doesn't Sam Mitchell seem like a dick?

4. SIXERS
Too much was made of their good run at the end of last season. Iggy and Andre Miller can play but this team still sucks. And don't forget Dalembert's already injured. At some point this year, you'll hear the words 'they really seem to miss Joe Smith.' I swear. Watch. 'They're just not the same without Joe Smith out there.' Hilarious.

5. KNICKS
What? The? Fuck? After last season, I thought it couldn't get any worse for Isiah and the boys. Boy, was I wrong! Losing a 10 million dollar suit AND signing Zach Randolph? Wow. Just wow. I'm picking them to win 20 games. Seriously, 20-62. Marbury's a nutjob. Curry could drop dead at any minute. QRich has the worst Knick back since Larry Johnson. This is the year it all bottoms out. And Isiah probably gets shitcanned. At least Knick fans will have Lebron rumors to keep them warm at night.

OK, on to the Central.

1. DETROIT
They'll win the division and go to the Finals. Big years for Sheed and Billups. Youngsters Maxiell and Stuckey show promise. They're so consistent, these Pistons, kind of like The Spurs of the East.

2. BULLS
This Deng kid is pretty good. Reminds me of a young Pippen. And if Ty Thomas blows up the way I think he will, this team could knock off Detroit. But I don't see Skiles and Big Ben getting along for very long, do you? That's a Sprewell/Carlesimo Part 2 waiting to happen, right there.

3. CAVS
Cleveland will disappoint. Their inability to improve this off-season will hurt not only their chances to win the title this year but also to keep Lebron James in '09. I wouldn't be surprised to see Mike Brown fired after a disappointing early playoff exit.

4. PACERS
They'll be better than most expect. Jermaine O'Neal is still one of the best two way players in the league and Granger is poised to break out. Jim O'Brien's open offense will make everyone happy, even if they don't make the playoffs.

5. BUCKS
Huge deals for Bobby Simmons, Mo Williams, Charlie Bell? Those aren't guys you want break the bank for, Senator Kohl. And drafting Yi is not gonna work out well. He's got bust written all over him. Poor Mike Redd. He goes from the Dream Team to this?

Southeast

1. HEAT
With DWade back in MVP form, the Heat win 50+ games again. The Shaq/Zo combo platoon continues to be effective and lengthen their respective careers. I'm intrigued by Dorrell Wright. I'll bet he gets big minutes this year.

2. MAGIC
Dwight Howard will continue to dominate and draw 'young Shaq' comparisons. Rashard's shooting will open up a lot of space down low. Stan Van should be able to squeeze 45 wins out of these guys.

3. WIZARDS
I don't think Gilbert's full strength yet. In fact, I'm going on record right now saying that he misses half the season. He'll come back in time to make sure he doesn't jeopardize his impending free agency, bet on that. Antawn Jamison will be traded soon, too. Who Grunfeld gets back will determine the future of the franchise, and obviously whether or not Arenas stays.

4. BOBCATS
Why is Michael Jordan a GM, again? Gerald Wallace isn't worth all that money. And the Morrison pick is looking more foolish by the minute. The big story here is whether or not Meka's healthy. Doesn't really matter, though. They'll suck. JRich wasn't the answer, either. Another puzzling move by MJ.

5. HAWKS
No defense, no bball IQ. Horford's gonna be solid, though. Maybe not this year but soon. Joe Johnson gets to spend another year wondering why he left Phoenix. This team seems cursed. Maybe not as bad as The Clippers but close.

Over to The West we go. In the Pacific...

1. SUNS
Nash wins the MVP again as the Suns get to 60 wins. Marion will be dealt before the season ends. Amare's knees will continue to be an issue. Title talks are premature, however. They still won't get past The Spurs.

2. LAKERS
My guys will win a handful more games than they did last year, maybe jump up to 48 wins or so. The addition of Fisher (and subtraction of Smush) assures that. And I'm one of those who actually believe in Andrew Bynum. I wouldn't NOT DEAL HIM FOR KIDD or anything but I do think he's gonna put up 13/8/2 this year. Kwame Brown's on the way out the door, probably for draft picks. Sadly, I don't anticipate Phil coming back, either. Kobe? Who knows? But if I had to bet, I'd put my money on him retiring a Laker.

3. WARRIORS
Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay! This season will be rockier than the Warriors trying to get back home to Coney Island. Baron will get hurt like he always does. And that means Stephen Jackson is your team leader. Other ominous sign: a possible Nellie/Mullin rift.

4. KINGS
I bet both Mike Bibby and Ron Artest get traded. And Brad Miller looks ready to hang 'em up. Reggie Theus will be coaching in front of small crowds.

5. CLIPS
Just like old times. Ah, that old familiar sting of being in last place. Sam Cassell can't leave fast enough. Sure, he'll end up in the front office but he's too smart to have it be THIS front office. You know what would be really funny? A fight between Kaman and Tim Thomas.


Southwest
1. MAVS
With 60+ wins, they'll have the best regular season record again. But their pansy- ass jump shooting brand of basketball will lead to another embarrassing playoff choke. Dirk and Cuban beef openly. Avery wins Coach Of The Year, ironically.

2. SPURS
As always, they use the regular season to tune up and then win another title with strong D and continued improvement from Tony Parker, who gets MVP buzz. Duncan's got a few good seasons left in him.

3. ROCKETS
Yao's not really an uptempo player so it'll be interesting to see how Adelman structures the offense. TMac will be phenomenal, possibly 1st Team All NBA, if he stays healthy.

4. GRIZZ
Conley will be Durant's only competition for ROY. This team will play no defense whatsoever but Pau, Miller, Conley will all be amazing fantasy league players.

5. HORNETS
Not sure why, but I bet they implode. We get to see Chris Paul's ugly side. Byron Scott erupts! Tyson Chandler goes nuts and starts biting people. I'm feeling a dark energy from the Hornets...

Northwest

1. NUGS
Best team in a weak division. 50 wins sounds about right. Melo dominates, AI matures into a heady player. Karl's still one of the game's best coaches. KMart should just retire. He's not gonna come back. No way.

2. JAZZ
Distractions caused by DWill and Boozer free agency rumors will cause things to unravel a bit. AK will get traded to someplace unexpected like Philly.

3. SONICS
The Oklahoma City-bound Sonics will feature Delonte and Durant in a supersized backcourt. Kurt Thomas has his best season in 5 years. They'll still be unwatchable.

4. BLAZERS
With Oden, they were worth talking about. As is, they'll be boring, predictable and extremely unsuccessful in the winning of basketball games. Aldridge and Roy will continue to grow and wait for Golden Olden to return and anchor the middle.

4. WOLVES
Sucky. Foye and Jefferson will score a lot. Marco Jaric will get arrested for assaulting a woman. McHale really put together an awful team, eh?

MVP- Nash
Def Player- Garnett
Most Improved- Ty Thomas
ROY- Durant (Conley 2nd)
Coach- Avery

Champs- Spurs (over Pistons)

What Could've Been

Watching Kobe and Kidd zip around the court for Team America turning steals into dunks makes me livid at Kupcake for not pulling the trigger on that Bynum-Kidd deal last year. Despite rumors to the contrary, Kidd obviously still has a lot left in the tank. And while Bynum has shown glimpses of incredible promise, he's a long ways away from being a consistent starter, much less a dominant big man. How do you pass on a chance to get Jason Kidd when your starting point guard is Smush Motherfucking Parker?

Germ and Big Ben took me to a Lakers/Wolves game last year where Bynum had a double-double and was blocking shots like crazy. Staples was chanting 'By-num, By-num,' I swear this is true. Garnett was killing us the way he always does but everyone in that building knew he was gonna opt out and be wearing the purple-and-gold in '08. Everyone knew it. It was a beautiful night, and not just because the Lakers won going away. We saw the future that night- our dynastic, overpowering, title-winning front line. Granted we were full of beer, weed and Oxycontin, but we believed in this vision.

So what happened since then to put a damper on things?

Well, for one, Bynum didn't repeat that night's performance very often. A typical game for Andrew consisted of late rotations, dumb fouls and an earful from Phil or Kobe (or both). Sometimes Kareem would get in the act, too, pointing out his pupil's basic lack of comprehension. Then the whole Kobe-in-the-parking-lot thing went down and the lasting impression was that Bynum was Jim Buss' pet project, more important than getting Kobe and Phil what they need to compete with the Spurs/Mavs/Suns in the West.

Garnett wanted to come. But the Wolves got lots of better offers elsewhere. Maybe if LA had done a better job of drafting in recent years, they'd have some additional chips to throw in the pot but the sad truth is that the current Lakers roster has very few players that other teams covet and would want to trade for.

So now here we are, watching Kobe dominate the world and rub it in our faces. He's playing better defense than he has in five years for Los Angeles. He's cheating on us, in a way, savoring all the desirable companionship he's not getting at home. We just want him to be happy and to not leave us.

What a difference six months makes.