Monday, January 26, 2009

DeShawn Stevenson Broke My Camera

I'm not sure there's a word in the dictionary that's the direct opposite of photogenic (fugly, perhaps?) but you'd be hard-pressed to find a less stylish dude than DeShawn Stevenson. He's like the Steve Urkel of the NBA.

Witness the horror of the Bow Tie/Velvet Jacket Combo.

I'll bet he made this Fat Albert shirt out of an old set of sheets.

Rocking the Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air look. It's for an '80s party but you'd believe he actually wears this, right?

It's gotta be about the money.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Draft Day Do-Over: Chalmers Rises, Alexander Falls

You know the cliche- hindsight is 20/20. It's pretty easy to analyze a situation after the fact and say what someone should have done, right? Well, here's how the lottery might play out if GMs knew then what they know now:

1. Chicago- They'd still take Derrick Rose. He's been everything they expected him to be and still has enormous potential for growth.

2. Miami- OJ Mayo over Michael Beasley, guaranteed. Riley really wanted to take Mayo at the time but didn't have the cajones. Next time, trust your instincts, Pat.

3. Minnesota- Instead of the ill-fated Mayo for Kevin Love swap, they probably end up with Russell Westbrook.

4. Seattle/OKC- Westbrook's off the board so they nab Eric Gordon.

5. Memphis- The Beasley slide stops here.

6. New York- With that huge hole in the middle, think D'Antoni would rather have Brook Lopez than Danilo Gallinari? Me, too.

7. LA Clips- Mario Chalmers, who dropped all the way to the second round, barely edges out Jerryd Bayless.

8. Milwaukee- Bayless instead of Joe Alexander.

9. Charlotte- Kevin Love by a nose over DJ Augustin.

10. New Jersey- Augustin

11. Indiana- If you recall, they took Bayless here and traded him to Portland for Brandon Rush and chump change. This time around it's JaVale McGee.

12. Sacramento- Brandon Rush over Jason Thompson.

13. Portland- DeAndre Jordan, who's come on as of late, gets the nod over Joe Alexander, who's plummeting fast.

14. Golden State- Alexander finally has a home, taking the place of Anthony Randolph.

This list will almost certainly look different in a few years when some of the raw 'projects' pan out. Jermaine O'Neal is a good example of a player who took several years to even show a pulse. Gilbert Arenas toiled on the bench for Golden State before flourishing in Washington. So there's hope for Alexis Ajinca and Nathan Jawai yet. Well, maybe not.

On a side note, think about how many millions of dollars Chalmers smoked away in that hotel room session at the draft combine. Hope it was good weed, at least. Damn.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Zo: Always The Bridesmaid

Alonzo Mourning officially announced his retirement today, ending a brilliant career filled with numerous individual accolades, most notably winning Defensive Player Of The Year twice for the Miami Heat (1999 and 2000). He was a seven-time All-Star. And as you'll probably recall, Zo also picked up a championship ring with the Heat in 2006 as Shaquille O'Neal's backup.

How appropriate for a guy who spent his entire career chasing Shaq.

He was drafted second behind Shaq in 1992. He finished second to Shaq for Rookie Of The Year. He had a very public beef with Shaq that reeked of jealousy.

His legacy will be that of the brave warrior who survived a life-threatening kidney disease. He might even be remembered for dragging Jeff Van Gundy around while trying to bitchslap Larry Johnson. But as a player, he was always overshadowed by the larger-than-life O'Neal.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Shocker! Fans Voting Semi-Intelligently

As Lebasketbawl reports here, the latest All-Star voting is shaping up to be the usual popularity contest rather than an actual recognition of outstanding play. This is no surprise to anyone who follows the history of the event. Every year, some over-the-hill veteran who's missed half the season with injuries gets in as a starter because of his proliferation of shoe and soft drink commercials. I like to call this the Annual Grant Hill Award. This year's recipient? Crazy McLazy (pictured).

HOWEVER, the difference worth noting this time around is that the most popular players (Lebron, Dwight Howard, Kobe, Dwyane Wade) are actually posting the best individual numbers while leading their respective teams to sterling records (well, maybe not Wade). So even with the Grant Hill factor, this year's numbers are remarkably accurate. In short, the voters are actually getting it right, for the most part.

Forwards- Lebron & KG
No argument here, even if Garnett's numbers are way down from his career averages. He's still an All-Star. The only travesty is that Yi Jianlian is a very close third thanks to some major ballot box stuffing by the Chinese. The most deserving omission would probably be Danny Granger, who's currently languishing in eighth place behind the Incredible Shrinking Shawn Marion.

Guards- DWade, AI
Iverson belongs on the All-Star team the way W belongs in the White House. That spot should rightfully go to mild-mannered Joe Johnson, who's carried Atlanta on his back so far.

Center- Dwight Howard
There really is no other reasonable option so the voters got it right, kind of like this year's presidential election (OK, I'll stop with the political references).

Forwards- Duncan, Melo
Anthony's shooting 43% and has missed the last two weeks with a broken hand. Even before getting dinged, he was being soundly outplayed by Dirk, Amare, Pau Gasol and his own teammate, Nene. Whatevs. At least Melo finally ditched the cornrows.

Guards- Kobe, McLazy
Apparently, Chris Paul and Brandon Roy are less appealing to fans than a wall-eyed cripple who's never been out of the first round.

Center- Yao
Like the East, there is no second choice. Shaq's been OK but it's not right to have a guy on the team who takes a game off every week.

So, out of 10 spots, fans made relatively sound choices for 7 starters. I can live with that.

Now if only the league would do something to make the actual game watchable. Awarding the winning conference home court advantage in the Finals seems too drastic. My suggestion: make it a cash game. Each player on the winning team takes home 50K. Loser gets nothing. Even multi-millionaires would play hard for fifty grand, right?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

D Miles Only Two Games From Assraping Blazers

Apparently, the six preseason games Darius Miles played for the Celtics this year will count toward his magic number of 10 to screw Portland out of its massive cap space. Miles only needs to play in two more games this season to throw a huge wrench in Portland's ability to sign free agents next year.

Check out Yahoo's account here.

Miles was cut this week by Memphis so another GM would have to sign him specifically to stick a dagger in Kevin Pritchard. By all accounts, Miles once formidable skills are gone. So it would be a straight up dick move, basically- a monumental cockblock. I've heard rumors of an unspoken code between GMs to not fuck each other over because it hampers the ability to trade later on but I wouldn't put it past one of the teams competing with Portland for those lower seeded playoff spots (Dallas, Houston, Denver) to use this opportunity to their advantage.

Just think- Miles could cost Portland Deron Williams or Chris Bosh AND put them into the luxury tax. Double doh.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Remembering The Cleveland Cadavers

The arrival of Lebron James in 2003 instantly transformed the Cleveland Cavaliers into an organization to be taken seriously. This year, they've taken their status up a notch to elite contender. And the media's drooling all over them. I mean, check out this latest puff piece from SI that slobs all over Cleveland's collective knob.

But anyone older than twenty probably remembers many scenarios where the Cadavers (or Cadavaliers, as they were also called) were the laughingstock of professional sports.

Here's an enlightening look back at the golden Ricky Davis/Darius Miles era.

Pictured: Ricky Buckets and some Cadavers fans

Or who could forget this controversial shaft from Carlos Boozer?

And I can't omit the historically brutal 15-67 squad of 1981-82 'led' by James Buddha Edwards.

Finally, here's Tom Ford, the guy credited with coining Cadavers as a nickname.

Look at it this way: if LBJ leaves for the Knicks in a year, that old, amusing moniker might be back in business.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Worst Starters In The NBA

Every season, myopic coaches ignore basic qualities of winning basketball like skill and production and decide to give huge minutes to undeserving, talentless players, much to the chagrin of the organization's fanbase. With that in mind, here's this year's list for Worst Starters In The NBA (see also Coach Killers). To make the team, a player must have started at least ten games for his respective squad. That player must also totally suck balls.

1st Team
PG- Luke Ridnour, Bucks
SG- Deshawn Stevenson, Wizards
SF- Devean George, Mavericks
PF- Craig Smith, Timberwolves
C- Joel Anthony, Heat (pronounced 'Joe-El', not 'Jole'- who knew?)

2nd Team
PG- Mike Conley, Grizzlies
SG- CJ Miles, Jazz
SF- Bobby Simmons, Nets
PF- Darrell Arthur, Grizzlies
C- Kwame Brown, Pistons

Dishonorable mention: Aaron Gray, Bulls; Mikki Moore, Kings; Earl Watson, Superstolens; Robert Swift, Superstolens; Ben Wallace, Cavaliers.

Announcers are constantly reminding viewers that the NBA boasts the best players in the world. I don't disagree with that notion but I find it hard to believe that the CBA doesn't have some guys who could run circles around the hapless group listed above.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Aaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooo! Shitbury On Celtics Radar!

Both KG and Ray Allen have now given their public blessings to the possibility of adding Stephon Marbury to the struggling Celtics roster.


Hey, Ainge. You won the title last year, remember? Why would you even CONSIDER adding Shitbury to your championship mix?

Remember this?

How about this?

Or this?

Shitbury should go join Steve Francis in Memphis. He should help that washed up loser teach Gay and Mayo how to be world class douchebags. That makes sense. Or he should go fuck off in Miami, which isn't gonna win anything with or without his sorry ass. But he should NEVER EVER EVER be anywhere near Boston's emerging young point guard, Rajon Rondo.

Do us all a favor and pass on this one, Ainge. Don't forget that two years ago you were widely regarded as the biggest moron in basketball.