Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Is It Asshole Day?

Just read that the Bobcats signed Jeff McInnis. On the same day LA inks Ruben Patterson.

Any second now, Danny Fortson gets a deal somewhere...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

NBA's Biggest Asshole

On the eve of the Clips signing dickhead Ruben Patterson, I ask Germ who he thinks is The Biggest Asshole In NBA History, fully expecting him to say Luke Walton because of some autograph snub ordeal at a Lakers-sponsored event last year.

To my surprise, he comes back at me with John Starks and Kareem!!! Whaaaah??? Cap? Testy and temperamental, sure, but The Biggest Asshole In NBA History? And Starks wasn't even the biggest prick on his own team; I give that dubious distinction to Xavier ('I'll lose a tooth for every rebound') McDaniel. XMan was way more likely to throw blows and, on occasion, choke a bitch (holla back, Wes Matthews).

My answer for Biggest Asshole is former Mav center Shawn Bradley. Drafted #2 overall, the only thing Bradley did effectively was foul hard and piss people off. Every player in the league punched Bradley in the face at least once.

The next question: 'Which NBA player has probably killed someone?' Not surprisingly, we agree on Charles Oakley. Oak looks like he'd eat a baby.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

What Could've Been

Watching Kobe and Kidd zip around the court for Team America turning steals into dunks makes me livid at Kupcake for not pulling the trigger on that Bynum-Kidd deal last year. Despite rumors to the contrary, Kidd obviously still has a lot left in the tank. And while Bynum has shown glimpses of incredible promise, he's a long ways away from being a consistent starter, much less a dominant big man. How do you pass on a chance to get Jason Kidd when your starting point guard is Smush Motherfucking Parker?

Germ and Big Ben took me to a Lakers/Wolves game last year where Bynum had a double-double and was blocking shots like crazy. Staples was chanting 'By-num, By-num,' I swear this is true. Garnett was killing us the way he always does but everyone in that building knew he was gonna opt out and be wearing the purple-and-gold in '08. Everyone knew it. It was a beautiful night, and not just because the Lakers won going away. We saw the future that night- our dynastic, overpowering, title-winning front line. Granted we were full of beer, weed and Oxycontin, but we believed in this vision.

So what happened since then to put a damper on things?

Well, for one, Bynum didn't repeat that night's performance very often. A typical game for Andrew consisted of late rotations, dumb fouls and an earful from Phil or Kobe (or both). Sometimes Kareem would get in the act, too, pointing out his pupil's basic lack of comprehension. Then the whole Kobe-in-the-parking-lot thing went down and the lasting impression was that Bynum was Jim Buss' pet project, more important than getting Kobe and Phil what they need to compete with the Spurs/Mavs/Suns in the West.

Garnett wanted to come. But the Wolves got lots of better offers elsewhere. Maybe if LA had done a better job of drafting in recent years, they'd have some additional chips to throw in the pot but the sad truth is that the current Lakers roster has very few players that other teams covet and would want to trade for.

So now here we are, watching Kobe dominate the world and rub it in our faces. He's playing better defense than he has in five years for Los Angeles. He's cheating on us, in a way, savoring all the desirable companionship he's not getting at home. We just want him to be happy and to not leave us.

What a difference six months makes.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Beasts of the Least

Unlimited spending power, carte blanche over all personnel moves, a devoted fan base that supports your decisions no matter how boneheaded- how many more advantages can Isiah Thomas have over the rest of the league? And yet the Knicks still suck balls. You get the idea that NY could spend 500 million a year and still not win the Atlantic. It's just plain embarrassing. Isiah's like that superhot chick with no self esteem who'll fuck anybody just to get some attention. Everyone tells her she's special and if she waits, the right man will come for her (Kobe? Lebron?), but then she goes out and picks up losers like Crawford, Curry and Randolph. When the real men finally come calling, Zeke's passed out with his dress over his head.

Speaking of people that usually get screwed hard and put away wet, Danny Ainge finally seems to have figured out how this whole trading thing works (receive good players, not give them away). It shouldn't really count when the GM you're taking advantage of is Kevin McHale but now, basking in the glow of the Garnett heist, suddenly Ainge doesn't look like such a complete imbecile anymore. Hey, McHale: how about Randy Foye for Scalabrine? If Danny Boy's serious about making some postseason noise, he better get some guys on that bench. House and Pollard AIN'T getting it done. Tony Allen had a nice stretch after the All-Star break but then (infamously) fucked up his knee showboating after the whistle. Celtic mystique, indeed. Well, at least we've still got Olowokandi.

Of the remaining free agents, only Anderson Varejao is any semblance of an impact player. Yeah, I said it. The dude boards, plays good D, generally makes a positive overall difference on any game. Granted, that shot he put up against Duncan in The Finals with the clock winding down was pretty sad and yes, he flops his ass off but I'd still bet that San Antonio goes after him the first chance they get. Varejao's got one of the better plus/minuses in the league, a stat more telling than mere scoring average. Don't sleep on Sideshow Bob. Dude's money.

Somebody who definitely is NOT money: Adonal Foyle. Did you hear the 'buzz' about him signing with Orlando. Seriously? If Otis Smith is clueless enough to give Rashard Lewis 100 mil, he might drop some cash on the notoriously talentless Foyle. What, Pervis Ellison wasn't interested?

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Next Jordans

With Kevin Durant firmly in the lead for 2007's Next Jordan nomination, I'd like to point out some previous candidates, nominees and wannabees compared to His Airness by idiots in the press at one time or another.

Grant Hill- With a body made entirely out of balsa wood and construction paper, Hill once got injured eating a sandwich. That's actually a lie, it didn't happen- but you believed me for a second, didn't you? It IS feasible that a sandwich could injure Grant Hill. What a pussy.

Ray Allen- Also a pussy. Spent his career avoiding the lane and shooting ten 3s a game. If anything, Ray Ray turned out to be the Next Glen Rice.

Harold Miner- Baby Jordan dunked a lot at 'SC, then played a total of 47 seconds in the NBA. The only thing Miner had in common with Mike was male-pattern baldness.

Mitch Richmond- The M in RUN-TMC, but certainly no Jordan. Scored 20+ for ten years in a row but usually played on mediocre squads that missed the playoffs.

JR Rider-Expectations swelled when he was killing 'em at UNLV, one 'expert' going so far as to call him the best college player ever. Instead of turning that momentum into NBA stardom, JR decided he's rather roll up his career and smoke it.

Ron Harper- As a high-flying Cavalier, Harper drew the comparison frequently for awhile. Then he blew his knee out. Then he realized he'd been traded to The Clippers and aged fifty years overnight.

Vince Carter- Simultaneously the most athletic and apathetic player in league history. Would be pretty good if he gave a shit. Coaches hate him.

Jerry Stackhouse- I'll give him credit for socking Christian Laettner (Jordan definitely would have done that) but that's where the similarities end. This Tar Heel had neither the handle nor the leadership to make the label stick.

Lebron James- All the talent in the world but his killer instinct is still in question. Can you imagine MJ nervously chewing his nails in a playoff game? Of course not.

Kobe Bryant- A legit comparison, skillwise. Kobe can do all the same things physically but gets too enamored with his own ego-driven agendas. And only in the very beginning of his career did Bryant approach MJ's tenacity at the defensive end.

So bring it, Durant. You've got some big shoes to fill. Or not.