Sunday, January 9, 2011

All-Star Party Crashers

I've crashed a party or two in my day. Most of the time, it's gone pretty smoothly. But on rare occasion, my uninvited presence hasn't been welcomed. I'm standing there trying to look inconspicuous as I drink the free booze when suddenly there's a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it's some indignant bastard saying things like "Who do you know here?" or "How did you get in?" or "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

It's an embarrassing feeling when everyone at a party knows you don't belong.

That's about to happen to some lucky stiff at this year's All-Star Game. Everyone in the building will eyeball one sorry motherfucker and collectively think "What the fuck's HE doing here?" Because it happens that way every single year. Don't believe me?

Chris Kaman, David Lee and Gerald Wallace played in last year's game. Forgot that, didn't you?

In 2009, Mo Williams, Devin Harris and David West magically appeared in uniform.

2008- David West again. Guy's like a ninja, hard to detect. He can really blend into a crowd of superstars. For this adaptive quality alone, David West might be the best crasher of them all.

2007- Caron Butler, Josh Howard, Mehmet Okur. Can't you picture these three standing awkwardly around the punch bowl?

2005- Big Z, Shawn Marion, Rashard Lewis, Antawn Jamison.

2004- Jamaal Magloire, perhaps the least talented player to ever get a nod, puts up 19/8 without a hint of irony. The ultimate crash. AK47, Mike Redd and Brad Miller also attend the evening's festivities.

2002- Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Wally Szczerbiak? Really?! C'mon, man! Fuckouttahere!

2001- Antonio Davis, Theo Ratliff.

2000- Dale Davis, Michael Finley.

1998- Drunk-ass Vin Baker missed 9 out of 12 shots. He didn't miss the open bar afterwards.

1997- Tom Gugliotta, Chris Gatling, Christian Laettner.

1996- Vin Baker, not yet at rock bottom, only misses 3/5 (though he does leave the building with a lampshade on his head).

1995- Dana Barros and Tyrone Hill. For reals. Hill was forced to play the game with a protective mask when his butt-ugly face kept scaring little children.

1994- Whose dick was BJ Armstrong sucking? Wait, nevermind. I remember now.

1992- Michael Adams, Otis Thorpe.

Alright, that's far back enough to make the point.

So who's this year's impostor? Kevin Love? Luis Scola? Ray Felton? Don't get me wrong- all of these dudes are good players. They just don't look quite right rubbing elbows with the elite.

Pictured: Tyrone Hill without the mask