Fuck Riley Coyote

Erik Spoelstra has to be pretty nervous these days. The most back-stabbing, self-centered, politically ambitious coach in history is breathing down his neck, waiting for the right opportunity to swoop in and take over. In truth, Spo would probably be fired already if it weren't for the support of Dwyane Wade.

Think I'm being too critical of Riles? The guy's won 5 rings. He's one of the best basketball strategists of all time. And he just pulled off the NBA's biggest free agent heist in recent memory, landing LeBron James and Chris Bosh in South Beach.

Still a total dick. Here's why:

-Paul Westhead gave Riley his first job as an assistant coach in 1979. Riley had previously been in the Lakers broadcast booth. But when Laker players mutinied to get Westhead fired in 1981, did Riles back his coach/benefactor? Nope. Instead, he waited quietly in the wings. And when Jerry West declined Buss' offer to take over for the deposed Westhead, the job fell in Riley's lap.

-He resigned as Laker coach in 1990 amid rumors of player mistreatment and anger management issues. Gee, maybe using Sun Tzu's The Art Of War as your guide to doing business might rub people the wrong way.

-In 1995, he left his job as Knicks head coach in a dust-up of tampering and burned bridges to join the Heat. New Yorkers still hate him. Nothing makes a Knicks fan happier than seeing the clip of Allan Houston hitting that runner to cap the Knicks first round upset of top-seed Miami in 1999.

-Since coming to South Beach, he's repeatedly gone back and forth between manning the front office and sabotaging his coaches to take credit for their hard work. Randy Pfund and Stan Van Gundy probably have his picture on their dartboards. Now Spoelstra is in prime position to be the next guy with a knife in the back.

-After winning the title in 2006, Riley's Heat visited the White House. Riley slobbered all over W's knob, saying "I voted for the man. If you don't vote, you don't count."

Fuck Pat Riley. He and LeBron deserve each other. It makes perfect sense to me that LeBron is about to spend fifty million on a home that Riley used to own. In an era when one out of every six people on the planet is starving to death, you've got to be a total fucking narcissist to spend fifty million on a house.

I curse you, Heat. I fart in your general direction. May thirty years of bad karma wash over you like gentle rain.

Pictured: Coyote/Gecko

GMs Set To Overspend On Second Choices

We've all spent too much money on something we really wanted.

But imagine if every time you went shopping, there was only one of the specific item you were shopping for. And you were bidding against 30 other shoppers with just as much money as you.

Such is life for the NBA General Manager.

Every GM knows that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade officially go on the market on July 1st. Those two are the big ticket items. Huge contract guys, no question. GMs are ready and willing to break the bank for them, and with good cause. They're both excellent, multidimensional players who are still in their respective primes. They both know how to win in the post-season. They both sell tickets.

Most experts agree that James and Wade will test the waters, solicit some wooing, and then go running back to their current situations to sign max deals at home. They'll also set the market price in the process.

So then you've got a second-tier group of guys like Dirk Nowitzki, Chris Bosh, Amar�e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, David Lee and Joe Johnson. They probably shouldn't be max contract guys but because of the seller's climate mentioned above, it'll take near max money to get them. (Sorry, Dallas fans, but Dirk does not belong in the conversation with LBJ and Wade, he just doesn't.)

It's this second group that will get GMs fired. These 'next best thing' players will have pretty good regular seasons and then get ousted by the league's best players in the playoffs, just like they always do. It happens every season. The GMs know this, too; they know they shouldn't spend max money on these dudes. But they will, anyway. And then they'll get fired for it within three years. Bet.

Look around the league and you'll notice that non-playoff teams are usually paying their highest salaries to guys that aren't proven winners. For instance...

Nets- Bobby Simmons $10,560,000
Knicks- Tracy McGrady $23,239,561
Sixers- Elton Brand $14,858,471
Pacers- Troy Murphy $11,047,619
Wizards- Gilbert Arenas $16,192,080
Grizzlies- Zach Randolph $16,000,000
Hornets- Peja Stojakovic $14,202,000
Wolves- Al Jefferson $12,000,000
Warriors- Monta Ellis $11,000,000
Clippers- Baron Davis $12,150,000
Kings- Larry Hughes $13,655,268

Most of these disappointing and expensive players are no longer with the team that signed him to these bloated contracts in the first place. Now they're just valuable trade chips, expiring contracts, whatever. My point is that your highest paid player needs to be dominant. High paid guys who aren't legit MVP candidates absolutely kill a team. Yet GMs keep paying top dollar for them, anyway.

So why does this keep happening?

Well, GMs can't come home from the shopping spree empty-handed. Fans want them to spend that money to stay competitive, whether it's on the ideal player or not. The Marketing Department needs a new face to put on the billboards. Season tickets need to be sold. So most of these GMs prefer to make a dumb decision instead of no decision at all.

In a couple weeks, two lucky teams will get their money's worth and sign James and Wade. Everyone else will bid against each other for the right to overspend. Good luck, suckers!

Pictured: 23 Million Dollar Man

Calamity Ensues At Top-Secret Player Summit

A sprawling estate on its own tropical island. LeBron James, Amar�e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, Chris Bosh, Jay Z and Drake are seated at a table made entirely of diamonds. A throng of media members and Nike reps surround them with cameras and microphones.

Dwyane Wade enters.

LBJ: What�s up, man? Glad you could make it. Get your jet parked OK?
Wade: Yeah, I put it next to the others.

Wade sits at the table. A sea of camera flashes go off.

Wade: What are all these people doing here? I thought we were keeping this on the DL.
LBJ: Oh, these are just some friends from the media. And my Nike peeps.
Wade: Cool, as long as Stern doesn�t find out.
LBJ: Oh, I handled Stern.
Wade: Handled him? Like you handled Brown and Ferry?
LBJ: Yep.
Wade: Damn.
LBJ: I ain�t playing.

LBJ and Wade share a congratulatory Masonic handshake. Wade notices Jay Z and Drake.

Wade: Hold up- that�s Jay Z! And the dude from the Sprite commercial!
LBJ: Yep, I thought y�all would be impressed so I brought them, too.

Drake opens a Sprite. Jay Z counts his money.

LBJ: OK, let�s get down to business. I�m tired of this losing shit. I want to run with dudes that win titles, not spend their time trying to get with my Mom.

Amar�e, Bosh and Boozer snicker. LBJ gives them a reproachful look. They hush.

LBJ: As I was saying, I�m all about winning. That�s why I gave up on my teammates. That�s why I had my coach and GM killed. They weren�t winners. They didn�t know how to get a ring.

Wade leans in to whisper to LBJ.

Wade: Dog, you know these other dudes don�t have rings, right?
LBJ: Wait, what?
Wade: Yeah.
LBJ: Oh. You got one though, right?
Wade: Yeah. I got one. With Shaq in 2006.
LBJ: The Shaq on my team?
Wade: Yeah. Well, he was on your team.
Boozer: Hey, we can�t hear what you guys are whispering about.
Bosh: Yeah. Whisper louder.
Amar�e (to Jay Z): Can I count your money?
Jay Z: Touch my money and we got problems.

Amar�e backs off. A tense moment. Drake sips his Sprite slowly.

LBJ: Alright, look. Nobody�s touching anyone else�s money. Chill. We�re here to figure out which of y�all is coming to Cleveland to help me win a ring.
Wade: Uh, well�actually I�m here to see which of y�all is coming to Miami.
LBJ: I�m from Cleveland, born and raised. I can�t leave.
Wade: Well I ain�t living in Cleveland, man.

A tense moment. Bosh and Boozer raise their hands enthusiastically.

Bosh: I�ll play in Cleveland. Or Miami.
Boozer: I have a home in Miami.
Amar�e: I�ll go wherever offers the most money. Seriously. I�ll play for the Nets.

Everyone cracks up. Drake does a spit take and sprays Sprite all over Jay Z. Jay Z punches Drake in the face, knocking him unconscious.

LBJ: The fuck, J?
Jay Z: Dude got Sprite on my money.

A puff of smoke and David Stern appears with an evil cackle.

Stern: Well, well, well. What have we here? A secret player summit, I presume.
LBJ: But�but�but�I killed you.
Stern: You can�t kill something that�s already dead.

Stern laughs maniacally.

Wade: Dang, we getting fined like a motherfucker.

Pictured: a toast- to money!

Thunder- Latest Team Of The Future

Congratulations and hearty backslaps to the Oklahoma City Thunder (AKA SuperStolens, Zombie Sonics), the NBA's latest team of tomorrow. With an impressive showing against the defending champs, the Thunder staked their claim to being the squad that everyone's picking to win the title five years from now. Yes, the future looks bright for Durant and company.

The only snag is that the future never arrives. As Buckaroo Banzai once famously said, "Wherever you go, there you are." And where the Thunder are right now is home watching someone else compete for the title.

Think I'm being harsh? Ask the New Orleans Hornets about the future. Ask Greg Oden and the Blazers. Ask the Arenas/Jamison/Butler Wizards. Stuff happens. People get injured. Egos clash.

In 1997, Michael Jordan tabbed the Washington Bullets, a band of pups led by Chris Webber, Rod Strickland and Juwan Howard, the "team of the future." Yeah, that worked out well. A year later, C-Webb was shipped to Sacto, where he formed the nucleus of yet another champion-to-be (fittingly the runner-up in Ball Don't Lie's also-rans of the Aughts column).

Who can forget the promising triumvirate of Kidd/Mashburn/Jackson (The Big 3 In Big D- sounds like bad porn) supposedly being splintered by Toni Braxton? Y'know, Toni Braxton. Yeah.

After soundly thumping LeBron's Cavs in the Finals in '07, Tim Duncan consoled James by telling him, "Some day you're going to own this league." From a marketing perspective, Timmy was spot-on. Four years later, however, the King is still without his crown. Maybe that could change this year. Maybe not. The prodigious Orlando Magic, fresh off their own disappointing turn in the Finals, stand in their way.

And of course, waiting out West are the game's biggest clutch performer and its greatest coach. No, I'm not talking about Channing Frye and Alvin Gentry.

Spiritual and holistic types are constantly reminding us to stay in the moment. "All we have is right now." I prefer John Lennon's way of looking at it: "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

Pictured: Bullet Boys (sorry, no Kip Winger)

One Pickup Game For All The Marbles

Hypothetical situation here. Let's just say that you (the well-informed fan) and I were coaches who were picking a starting five for one pickup game that would determine which of us survived. Winning coach lives, loser dies. No salary implications or long-term injury concerns. No drafting by position. Street ball- call your own fouls, no FTs, no flops.

One game for the right to keep breathing air.

I'd choose Kobe Bryant first (it's my blog so I get first pick but you get the second two, alternating after that). You would probably choose LeBron James and Dwight Howard. Am I right? Here's how the rest of the top-10 might shake out:

My five- (1) Kobe, (4) Tim Duncan, (6) Chris Paul, (8) Kevin Durant, (10) Shaq

'Your' five- (2) LeBron, (3) Dwight Howard, (5) Dwyane Wade, (7) Deron Williams, (9) Chris Bosh

Nash and Nowitzki are the obvious omissions here. Both are weak sauce on D so I wouldn't take 'em. But you might. And my team would then beat your team.

Ordinarily KG would be chosen for sure but lingering doubts about his health held him back. Chauncey Billups barely missed the cut. And it's worth noting that I drafted Shaq simply to contend with Howard. And like I said, no FTs. Heh heh.

Who'd win? Would you choose differently?

Pictured: #1 overall

Fooled By The Fantasy

I looooove fantasy basketball. There's something about crunching numbers and poring over stats that scratches an itch somewhere deep inside my brain (gross, sorry). Even before the internets, I'd analyze box scores and see if I could anticipate or predict trends.

That said, fantasy basketball is making it seriously hard for me to have a good conversation with basketball fans about actual basketball.

I end up hearing dumb shit like "Jose Calderon is one of the best PGs in the league" or "David Lee is worth 10 million a season."

Let's consult the roto Big Board of Yahoo's Brandon Motherfunkin' Funston, shall we? Chris Paul is rated above LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. Dirk Nowitzki and Amare Stoudemire are more valuable than Tim Duncan, apparently. Dwight Howard trails the mighty Troy Murphy, for fuck's sake.

Any discerning individual with half a brain can distinguish between roto numbers and how good a player really is. Unfortunately, message boards and sports bars are filled to the brim with fucknuts who take this fantasy shit as gospel. There are people out there who still think Zach Randolph is a good basketball player. I'm not fucking kidding.

"Cleveland will win the title if they add Zach Randolph." I've heard this from more than one person.

News flash. Nate Robinson is terrible. So is Jamal Crawford. Yes, I'm aware they score points and make 3 pt shots. But they're dreadful basketball players. They contribute to losing games with every fiber of their beings.

So I'll congratulate anyone who tells me that they won their roto league because of Murphy and Crawford. Fantasy is fantasy. But don't come talking shit about how the Lakers should be looking to acquire these assclowns, or worse yet, trade an actual quality player for them ("Dude, LA should trade Lamar Odom for Troy Murphy"- STFU).

Meh.

Pictured: Nate and Jose leading their teams to mediocrity

The Gayest Gayness To Ever Gay Up The NBA

Congratulations to Brendan Haywood, who this week officially joined a long and impressive list of high-profile athletes and celebrities to speak out against the rampant gayness that is ruining the very manly and heterosexual sport of pro basketball.

Reacting to this shocking video of Stephon Marbury doing his best Prince impression, Haywood put his god-fearing foot down.

"He's swinging from both sides of the fence." Indeed.

And while Haywood might have totally bungled the expression (dude, it's "playing for both teams" or "swinging both ways"- there's no "fence"), every good American understands his powerful response to this invasion of virtual manspace.

The liberal media put a different spin on events. Typical.

Since former player John Amaechi chose to be gay to sell his gay book a few years back, there's been a very real threat of the whole league suddenly turning gay for pay. Heroes Tim Hardaway and LeBron James both previously laid down hard line stances on shower etiquette and proper decorum. Now Haywood is the latest warrior to brave criticism and stand up for decency. And the public is behind him because this is America, where proud heterosexuals have the right to live free without anyone "bringing their gayness" into it (unless it's two or more hot chicks- then it's cool). Bravo, Brendan!

As Omar Little from The Wire once famously said, "The game's out there. It's play or get played. That simple."

*cues up We Are The Champions, dances triumphantly around apartment, chants 'USA!' out window.

Pictured: Marbury bringing the gayness

Coming Down The Stretch...

With the season 3/4 of the way over, here are my picks to close out their respective categories and take home the hardware:

Champs- As much as it pains me to say this, I have to give the nod to the Cavs right now. They're too big for the Bynum-less Lakers and too deep for the Posey-less Celtics. I also think that Joe Smith is better for that offense than Ben Wallace. Smith's like a poor man's Horace Grant- a good rebounder and post defender who nails the 15 footer consistently. Delonte West and Mo Williams know their roles and make open 3s. Big Z's great on the offensive glass. I don't see anyone beating them.

MVP- Lebron over Kobe. James was already one of the best offensive players in the league. This season, he proved he can play All-Star caliber D. That said, if Cleveland hits a lull over the final few weeks, Kobe could catch fire and snatch his second Podoloff in a row. Props to DWade, Brandon Roy and Dwight Howard but it's a two-man race between James and Bryant.

Defensive Player Of The Year- Howard. Sure, Wade and James learned a thing or two about defense from Kobe at the Olympics but Superman's a rebounding and shot blocking machine.

Most Improved- Everyone's talking about Devin Harris but wasn't he this good last year, too? The player who took the biggest leap this offseason was Howard. The guy went from 'freakish athlete' to 'superstar with potential to be the best ever' in three months. Kevin Durant is going fucking ballistic, too. Think about how much better he'll be when he actually has a muscle or two on that skinny frame. Ironically, Shaq also showed great improvement this year, going from a useless fat bastard to dominant All-Star since hitching up with the Phoenix Suns training staff.

Coach Of The Year- It'll be Mike Brown or Stan Van Gundy but my vote would go to Nate McMillan. Nobody expected anything from Portland (especially with Oden dinged up) but Nate established a great rotation where every player knows his role. He was also smart enough to hand over the reins to Roy, who's proven himself worthy of MVP talk. Big ups to Erik Spoelstra for keeping the Heat over .500 with one of the youngest teams in the NBA.

Executive- How can it NOT be Donnie Walsh? Goodbye, Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury and Jerome James. Hello, Mike D'Antoni, Al Harrington and cap room for next year's big free agent run which will net them either Lebron, DWade, Amare or Chris Bosh. Masterful. The Gallinari pick is a blemish but I'll put that one on D'Antoni.

6th Man- Jason Terry or Manu Ginobili will win but I LOVE what Trevor Ariza has done off the bench for LA this year. If they win the title, Ariza will a major reason why. Think about this for a sec: if LA had Ariza in the Finals last year, does Paul Pierce score at will off of isolation plays? Um, no.

Pictured: Ariza posterizing Grant Hill



Rookie- Derrick Rose gets the nod over OJ Mayo, Russell Westbrook and Brook Lopez. I talked shit about both Mayo and Westbrook around draft time, referring to them as Smurfs. I was wrong. They're both really good. I still think Mayo is more Ben Gordon than Michael Jordan but he's not a Smurf, by any means. Sorry. I suck.

Shocker! Fans Voting Semi-Intelligently

As Lebasketbawl reports here, the latest All-Star voting is shaping up to be the usual popularity contest rather than an actual recognition of outstanding play. This is no surprise to anyone who follows the history of the event. Every year, some over-the-hill veteran who's missed half the season with injuries gets in as a starter because of his proliferation of shoe and soft drink commercials. I like to call this the Annual Grant Hill Award. This year's recipient? Crazy McLazy (pictured).



HOWEVER, the difference worth noting this time around is that the most popular players (Lebron, Dwight Howard, Kobe, Dwyane Wade) are actually posting the best individual numbers while leading their respective teams to sterling records (well, maybe not Wade). So even with the Grant Hill factor, this year's numbers are remarkably accurate. In short, the voters are actually getting it right, for the most part.

EAST
Forwards- Lebron & KG
No argument here, even if Garnett's numbers are way down from his career averages. He's still an All-Star. The only travesty is that Yi Jianlian is a very close third thanks to some major ballot box stuffing by the Chinese. The most deserving omission would probably be Danny Granger, who's currently languishing in eighth place behind the Incredible Shrinking Shawn Marion.

Guards- DWade, AI
Iverson belongs on the All-Star team the way W belongs in the White House. That spot should rightfully go to mild-mannered Joe Johnson, who's carried Atlanta on his back so far.

Center- Dwight Howard
There really is no other reasonable option so the voters got it right, kind of like this year's presidential election (OK, I'll stop with the political references).

WEST
Forwards- Duncan, Melo
Anthony's shooting 43% and has missed the last two weeks with a broken hand. Even before getting dinged, he was being soundly outplayed by Dirk, Amare, Pau Gasol and his own teammate, Nene. Whatevs. At least Melo finally ditched the cornrows.

Guards- Kobe, McLazy
Apparently, Chris Paul and Brandon Roy are less appealing to fans than a wall-eyed cripple who's never been out of the first round.

Center- Yao
Like the East, there is no second choice. Shaq's been OK but it's not right to have a guy on the team who takes a game off every week.

So, out of 10 spots, fans made relatively sound choices for 7 starters. I can live with that.

Now if only the league would do something to make the actual game watchable. Awarding the winning conference home court advantage in the Finals seems too drastic. My suggestion: make it a cash game. Each player on the winning team takes home 50K. Loser gets nothing. Even multi-millionaires would play hard for fifty grand, right?

Remembering The Cleveland Cadavers

The arrival of Lebron James in 2003 instantly transformed the Cleveland Cavaliers into an organization to be taken seriously. This year, they've taken their status up a notch to elite contender. And the media's drooling all over them. I mean, check out this latest puff piece from SI that slobs all over Cleveland's collective knob.

But anyone older than twenty probably remembers many scenarios where the Cadavers (or Cadavaliers, as they were also called) were the laughingstock of professional sports.

Here's an enlightening look back at the golden Ricky Davis/Darius Miles era.

Pictured: Ricky Buckets and some Cadavers fans



Or who could forget this controversial shaft from Carlos Boozer?

And I can't omit the historically brutal 15-67 squad of 1981-82 'led' by James Buddha Edwards.

Finally, here's Tom Ford, the guy credited with coining Cadavers as a nickname.

Look at it this way: if LBJ leaves for the Knicks in a year, that old, amusing moniker might be back in business.

The Power Of The Plus/Minus

82games.com is pretty bad ass. Basically, they compile every stat imaginable to give a true indication of actual performance beyond the box score. My favorite stat is plus/minus per 48 minutes, which essentially tracks a player's performance, even in limited minutes, and predicts what kind of an impact that player would have over a full game. The plus/minus isn't just about scoring; it's about the overall effect on both ends of the court and how that translates into winning.

Using 82games data, I went through every team in the league and put together what each team's ideal lineup would be based on this theory. This doesn't mean these players should all be starters but it does mean they should get big minutes and be on the floor when the game's decided. I only included players who were already in the rotation since garbage time stats can be misleading.

What I discovered is that several big name stars would better serve their teams by riding the pine (I'm talking to you, AI).

ATLANTA
Josh Smith's numbers project to an astonishing +19.4 per 48 minutes. This makes him the 2nd most effective player in the entire NBA right now (Lamar Odom's first with 20.1 but more on him later).

Best lineup- Bibby, Johnson, Williams, Smith, Horford

Kudos to Mike Woodson for knowing the numbers and playing his best unit big minutes.

BOSTON
No surprises. KG leads the team at +15.5. Ray Allen's second at 14.8.

Best- Rondo, Allen, Pierce, KG, Perkins

CHARLOTTE
The entire team is in the negative so it's really just a matter of choosing who sucks the least. Also, basketball is a team sport so one good player can't make the other four not suck. Jason Richardson has their best numbers (-0.9), Matt Carroll, their worst (-10.1).

Best- Augustin, Felton, Richardson, Wallace, Okafor

CHICAGO
Andres Nocioni is a winner (+4.8) and should be not only starting but playing huge minutes on a team full of minuses. Thought Derrick Rose was a superstar? Think again- he's -5.5. Vinny Del Negro should also be aware that Drew Gooden's playing 30 minutes a game despite his awful production (-8.2)

Best- Rose, Gordon, Deng, Nocioni, Noah

CLEVELAND
The King lives up to his title with a gaudy +17.3. Delonte West is right on his heels at +15.7

Best- Williams, West, James, Wallace, Z

DALLAS
Contrary to popular belief, Kidd (+7.5) and Dirk (+6.9) are meshing well. The big surprise? Dampier (+10.5) actually has the best number on the team. Who's got the worst? Jerry Craphouse at an abysmal -24.6. In fact, that number makes Craphouse the league's worst player per 48. He's now out of the rotation and asking for a trade.

Best- Kidd, Terry, Howard, Nowitzki, Dampier

Sorry, Craphouse. No minutes for you.



DENVER
Chauncey's leading the team at +7.9. That AI trade's looking better all the time. Linas Kleiza is playing over 20 minutes a game but not producing (-2.8)

Best- Billups, JR Smith (not Dahntay Jones), Melo, Martin, Nene

DETROIT
Speaking of AI, he's at -1.7 and his ballhogging has made Rip Hamilton considerably less effective (-2.6). Stick 'em both on the bench. Arron Afflalo has been excellent (+12.8) in limited minutes- give him a shot.

Best- Stuckey, Afflalo, Prince, Sheed, Amir Johnson

Here's a clear case where the suggested change obviously WON'T happen. No way Curry brings AI or Rip off the bench but according to 82games, the Pistons would have a better chance of winning if he did.

GOLDEN ST
Jamal Crawford is a great example of a guy who puts up numbers that don't translate to wins. Since coming to the Warriors, he's at -12.9. Kelenna Azubuike's pretty awful, too (-8.7). Ronny Turiaf, AKA The Chocolate Moose, is the team's most efficient player at +4.7.

Best- CJ Watson, Maggette, Jax, Turiaf, Biedrins

HOUSTON
Shane Battier only played in a handful of games before getting hurt but his numbers are off the charts (+16.1). Yao's second at +8.5.

Best- Alston, Battier, McGrady, Artest, Yao

Yep, that's a lineup with Ron Ron at PF. Try it out, Adelman. Move Scola to the bench.

INDIANA
Granger (+3.2) and Marquis Daniels (+2.7) are their only good players. Little wonder they're a mediocre ballclub.

Best- Ford, Daniels, Granger, Murphy, Nesterovic

LA CLIPS
Nobody on the positive side. Camby's the closest at -1.4. Kaman (-9) and Ricky Davis (-21.3 for fuck's sake!) are the real reason this club is complete dogshit. Other than Craphouse, Ricky Buckets has been the worst rotation player in the game. I say 'has been' not because he IS ONE but because he hasn't seen significant PT in weeks.

Best- Baron, Gordon, Thornton, Randolph, Camby

LA LAKERS
As previously mentioned, Lamar leads the entire league at +20.1. It should be noted that he's frequently matched up with 2nd unit guys now that he's a 6th man so that stat might need an asterisk. Trevor Ariza's also at an eye-popping +18.2. Kobe's just being Kobe (+14.7). The entire rotation has big numbers but these three are the biggest contributors to the team's 17-2 start.

Best- Fish, Kobe, Ariza, Lamar, Pau

'Only 25 minutes a game for me, Phil? C'mon!'



MEMPHIS
Media darlings OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay (can I just combine their names and call them Ru J Gayo?) get a lot of attention for their big scoring numbers but these two are getting smashed in plus/minus (-7.6 and -8.6 respectively). The team is so bad, they're still the best options for big minutes but neither of these guys should be considered a star by any means. Like Jamal Crawford, they get points but not results. The team's best players? Darko and Hakim Warrick, believe it or not.

Best- Lowry, Mayo, Gay, Warrick, Milicic

MIAMI
Wade (+6.9) and Marion (+5.7) are solid. Michael Beasley's getting ripped in the press but still manages to stay in the black at +1.1.

Best- Chalmers, Wade, Marion, Beasley, Haslem

MILWAUKEE
Sessions is better than Ridnour (+1.1 to -1.1). Charlie Bell is the weak link at -6.7. Rookie Luc Richard Mbaha Moute should be starting.

Best- Sessions, Redd, Jefferson, Mbaha Moute, Bogut

MINNESOTA
Not that Wittless is gone, McFail decides who gets the minutes. The smart money's on benching Gomes (-8.1) and Assy Telfair (-4.9).

Best- Foye, McCants, Miller, Love, Jefferson

NJ NETS
Devin Harris is the only starter playing winning ball. Expect the losses to start piling up any day now. Their best chance of winning is with this lineup (seriously).

Best- Harris, Carter, Hassell, Yi, Lopez

NY KNICKS
No positives. Tim Thomas is the worst at -16. Harrington's at -6.9. Blech.

Best- Duhon, Q, Chandler, Lee, Harrington

OKC SUPERSTOLENS
Earl Watson (-19) and Nick Collison (-22.5) are playing CBA ball out there. Russell Westbrook and Joe Smith are much better options at those positions.

Best- Westbrook, Mason, Durant, Smith, Wilcox

ORLANDO
Michael Pietrus was playing beautifully before getting hurt (+11.8). Good acquisition by Otis Smith (can't believe I just wrote that!).

Best- Nelson, Pietrus, Turk, Rashard, Howard

PHILLY
The numbers seem to indicate that the Sixers are losing mostly due to poor play by their bench, specifically Louis Williams (-6.9). Iggy leads the team at +4.3.

Best- Miller, Iggy, Thaddeus, Brand, Dalembert

PHOENIX
Nash is the best starter at +3.4. Shaq's breaking even. Leandro Barbosa's fallen off a cliff at -7.2. His mother just died so maybe he's having trouble focusing.

Best- Nash, Bell, Barnes, Diaw, Stoudemire (sorry, Shaq)

PORTLAND
Nic Batum (+9.3) and Aldridge (+9.2) lead the team. Prezbo (+6.1) is outplaying Oden (+0.3).

Best- Blake, Roy, Batum, Aldridge, Prezbo

SACTO
Their 'best' is Beno Udrih at -4. Bobby Brown (and I'm not being cruel) is at -12. Rookie Jason Thompson is deserving of some extra burn.

Best- Beno, Salmons, Thompson, Mikki Moore, Brad Miller (in your face, Lil' Brad Hawes)

SPURS
Bonner! +11.7! I'm speechless. Ime Udoka's next at +8.8. So why the slow start? Amazingly, Duncan and Parker are both in the red for the year.

Best- TP, Ginobili, Udoka, Bonner, Duncan

TORONTO
Kris Humphries and Jamario Moon have been their only good players. Bosh and Calderon are both hovering around -2. Jermaine is a weak -5.3.

Best- Calderon, Parker, Moon, Humphries, Bosh

UTAH
AK47 and Paul Millsap have been excellent. DWill and Boozer, even when healthy, have been only so-so.

Best- Williams, Brewer, Kirilenko, Millsap, Okur

WIZ
You know you're fucked when Nick Young and Andray Blatche are your best players. Deshawn Stevenson (-12.1) better grow his beard back or something.

Best- Juan Dixon, Butler, Jamison, Songaila, rookie Javale McGee

So there you have it. Again, not necessarily the best starting units but a strong recommendation for who should be out there in the 4th quarter when the game's on the line.

Thanks, 82games. You rock.

Loose Balls- Monday

FOUL IN PHILLY
What�s up with the last place Sixers? Picked by many experts to challenge Boston for the Atlantic crown, Mo Cheeks� sorry crew has looked positively clueless while stumbling to a 7-10 mark.

The biggest issue: Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand don�t fit together. With EB clogging up the paint, Philly can�t run isolations or pick and rolls on the perimeter for Iggy.

Additionally, Andre Miller�s post-up game (one of his strengths) is no longer an asset since Brand�s big butt is occupying the entire painted area. Instead, Miller�s left to loiter at the 3 point line where he�s not much of a threat (4 made 3s in 17 games so far).

Brand�s lack of footspeed has also put the breaks on the burgeoning Sixer running game.

Brand's a good player, don't get me wrong. But he's not the RIGHT player for that system. In retrospect, maybe that money would have been better spent on Josh Smith (or saved for the Lebron/Wade/Bosh sweepstakes).

NETS: MORE THAN JUST THE SHEER MIGHT OF BROOK LOPEZ
Who are these suddenly competitive New Jersey Nets? Even though they�re being outscored by almost three points a game on average, they�re staying above .500 largely because of All-Star caliber play from Devin Harris. Seeing Harris score 47 last night probably gave Mark Cuban a fucking ulcer.

A DRAFT LIKE ANY OTHER
Looking back, can we now safely say that last year�s draft was not, in fact, the best of all time (as it was widely hailed a year ago)? Kevin Durant is developing nicely into the next Tracy McGrady- not the next Michael Jordan. And Greg Oden? Right now, he�s more Dikembe Mutombo than Hakeem Olajuwon. The 1984 Draft, which featured Jordan, Hakeem (Akeem back then), Barkley and John Stockton, remains the standard by which all other drafts are measured. The 2003 Draft, with Lebron, Wade, Melo and Bosh, would probably be my runner-up.

Pictured: The Dream with El Douche in '84


ROY'S BOYS
Gotta give some love to Portland. Starting two defensive-minded rookies, Oden and Nic Batum, the Blazers are playing tough, physical basketball while holding opponents to 93 points a game. Their first unit, spearheaded by MVP candidate Brandon Roy, has established early leads in every game I�ve watched this year. They�re not a championship club yet, but I wouldn�t want to see them in the playoffs.

POLITICKING FOR THE PODOLOFF
Speaking of MVP, there are only five players in the conversation at this point. Given that the MVP always comes from teams that win 50 plus games, only Kobe, Lebron, Dwight Howard, Paul Pierce and Brandon Roy qualify so far. Chris Paul is playing his ass off but his teammates, notably MIA Tyson Chandler, can hardly say the same.

Loose Balls- Tuesday

CAVS: FORCE OR FLUKE?
Cleveland's sitting purty atop the Central at 10-3 but a closer look at their schedule shows that they've beaten up on patsies (Charlotte, Indy) while losing to the league's elite (Boston, New Orleans). Sure, they defeated Utah, but only because the Jazz were playing without Deron Williams, Memo Okur and AK47. The Cavs November and December calendar is softer than tissue paper but we'll know after a tough stretch in January that features the Lakers, Hornets and Jazz whether or not Cleveland's legit.

CLIPS/KNICKS: AFFAIRS OF THE HEART
The Zach Randolph for Cuttino Mobley/Tim Thomas trade has apparently hit a snag because of questions over Mobley's heart, SI reports. Certainly the irony isn't lost on hoops fans who've watched Z-Bo meander through eight full seasons of basketball with absolutely no heart whatsoever.

BLAZERS/KINGS GET FUGLY
This article in the Oregonian perfectly sums up the shitfest that was last night's Portland/Sacto 'contest.' Brandon Roy- good. Everything else in this game- putrid. Greg Oden looked completely lost trying to guard the Kings bigs (Brad Miller and Spencer 'Lil' Brad' Hawes) out on the perimeter. And is it just me, or is Lil' Brad pulling a 'Single White Female' and totally stealing Big Brad's look?

Pictured: Big Brad & Lil' Brad jump around against NO

The NBA: Where Belt-Tightening Happens

On the surface, the big stories so far this season are the continued Lakers/Celtics rivalry and the free agent status of superstar Lebron James. But what�s really on everyone�s mind is how the current financial crisis will impact the league long-term. Allow me to indulge is some gloom and doom for a moment�

With attendance dwindling and many small market teams hemorrhaging cash, we might be witnessing the end of the big-spending era where players got 100 million dollar contracts based on potential. The Knicks just basically gave away Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph for the opportunity to sign James in 2010. According to league reports, as many as 14 teams are lining up to spend their money on Lebron. Yes, he�s one of the best players in the game but he�s also a proven commodity. He�ll sell tickets and help you win games. Practically speaking, that�s a good investment.

Gone are the days when Atlanta would give Jon Koncak 10 mil a season to get 5 points, 8 boards and a block. Gone are the days when Juwan Howard got a six year deal for being Washington�s third best player. In fact, if ticket prices ultimately go down based on poor attendance (makes sense, right?), it�s entirely possible that we�ll see the elimination of the well-paid role player (guys like James Posey or Lamar Odom). To stay profitable, each team would consist of two maxed-out stars and a bunch of minimum wage CBA guys. All those mid-level exception guys would either have to take pay cuts to stay in the league or go look for better deals overseas. Another possibility is that all of the role players play for one-year, non-guaranteed contracts, kind of like the special teams guys in the NFL.

Well paid coaches would probably also get the boot, unless they were winning titles, of course. Mike Dunleavy- gone. Scott Skiles- gone. Rick Carlisle- gone. Now I know this sounds pretty fucking bleak but with the unemployment rate getting higher every day, the average consumer is likely to make cutbacks on spending and I seriously doubt whether even the most hardcore fan would choose hoops tickets over paying the rent.

David Stern, the epitome of corporate douchebaggery, has been frantically trying to set up shop in China so he can jump ship the second it starts sinking. Great leadership there, you prick.

WTF? Headscratching Galore

Portland's off to a slow start this year and one of the key reasons is Nate McMillan's decision to play Steve Blake at point and move Roy to 2. If you'll recall, just last season, with the team mired in mediocrity, Roy went to McMillan and pleaded with the coach to let him run point and handle the ball more. The result? 13 game win streak. So what happens this year? Nate opens the season with Blake at point. I don't get it. Especially when Blake is a career backup, for fuck's sake.

And who could possibly envision the Spurs starting 1-4? No Manu, no Parker, no bench. Michael Finley and Kurt Thomas look positively ancient. And their D sucks- they're giving up 105 a game. I fully expect them to turn it around and finish somewhere in the 5-6 seed neighborhood. But what if they don't? Could it be possible San Antonio misses the playoffs? We know that LA, New Orleans, Utah, Houston and Phoenix will be there. And Dallas, probably. That only leaves two spots for Portland, Denver and the Spurs to fight over. Pop's teams always start slowly, but not usually THIS slowly. Strange days, indeed.

None of this week's oddities freaked me out quite as much as watching Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao guard each other in the Bulls/Cavs game. Yuck. I've sung Varejao's praises in the past and also predicted that Noah will someday be a serviceable, if not great, player. But seeing the two of them go against each other? Wow. The horror, the hair, the baby fat. Disgusting.



Speaking of disgusting, how much of a steaming shitpile is the Golden State organization right now? The players hate the coach, the coach hates the GM, the GM hates the owners. Their best player (Monta) won't see the court until midseason. They let Baron go and replaced him with Cory Fucking Maggette. What a botch job. Stephen Jackson has to be wondering whether or not it's a good idea to stay there long term.

The only team in deeper doodoo than GS? The Clips, who've spiraled down to 0-6 and appear to have thrown in the towel exactly two weeks into an eight month season. My buddy Big Ben thinks that Elgin Baylor put a curse on Dunleavy for the backstabbingly rude dismissal. My theory is that any team with Ricky Davis on the roster immediately sucks balls. Let's call it the Ricky Davis Effect- dramatic weakening through sheer exposure. Like Kryptonite for Superman. Or Palin for McCain.

Not all of this year's early surprises are disaster movies, however. The Atlanta Hawks, despite having absolutely no bench whatsoever, are undefeated and just beat the Hornets on the road. Joe Johnson is playing MVP basketball. Horford and Smith are legit. They're beating teams by double digits. I'm genuinely impressed. One injury and they're sub .500 again but Hawks fans (bwaaahaaahaaa!) should enjoy this cohesion while it lasts.

*Note- Josh Smith sprained his ankle against Toronto and is out 2-4 weeks. Sorry, Hawks fans (bwaaaahaaaahaaaa!)

My take on the AI/Chauncey trade: Detroit immediately loses their contender status this year but puts themselves in position to sign Lebron/Wade/Bosh after the season. Good move for them. Denver is slightly better than they were but still has no center and little to no chance of coming out of the brutal West. And they just committed to more money long term. Way to go, Kroenke!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The season's officially underway and already there are a handful of great plotlines developing.

The Good
The Lakers have blown out the Blazers and Clippers and looked dominant in doing so. Their defense has been disruptive, allowing them to get out and run. Also, using Lamar Odom as a sixth man is working out swimmingly so far for Phil Jackson.

Pop's Beard also came out of the gates strong. In addition to covering up his acne, the beard also makes Pop look kind of like Bill Murray (and that's a good thing).

The pic below isn't actually Pop (duh). I couldn't find any shots of his new beard so you'll have to live with this one.



Rudy Fernandez showed he's ready to play right now for Portland. Don't be surprised to see the rook starting soon, moving Roy to point and Blake to the bench.

Paul Pierce and Lebron James continued their burgeoning rivalry with epic performances on opening night.

The Bad
Bruce Bowen in an NBA Cares commercial. Lame. Not cool. If the NBA really cared, they'd suspend Bowen more often for his kicks, punches, trips, pokes and overall douchebaggery.

Speaking of commercials, why is the NBA running their 'where (insert cliche) happens' campaign again? Are they out of money? I want a new campaign, damn it! By the end of last year, that repetitive piano interlude was cringe inducing. Hearing it again on opening night made me want to kill myself.

What's up with Luke Walton only getting four minutes off the bench against Portland? Doghouse?

No Robert Horry to be found. I guess he's retired, officially. Maybe he'll pull a PJ Brown and sign on for a short season with a contender. Be nice to see him back with LA.

The Ugly
Memphis scoring 71 against Houston. OJ Mayo going 5-20. Bet Heisley's glad he traded Kevin Love AND Mike Miller for this kid. When you're getting swindled by Kevin McHale, maybe it's time to quit the business.

Greg Oden's debut was frightening on several levels. For the few minutes he was actually on the court, he looked awkward and skittish, especially on offense. Then, of course, he got injured again. This time he's out 2-4 weeks. Jury's still out on the brittle big man, although my money's on him getting it together in time to win that ROY trophy.

And in closing I'd also like to give a big fuck you to David Stern and his opening night party for the Oklahoma City Super Stolens. Attention, fans of the Milwaukee Bucks (insert laughter here): King Stern has you on his radar. Better build a new arena or the next team stolen might be yours.

Good On Paper: 'Going Big'

Bryan Colangelo was just quoted as saying he plans on using Andrea Bargnani at the 3 spot this season. To which I might say, 'Are you fucking kidding?'

This idea is tossed around all the time in the NBA. 'We'll go big, create a matchup problem.'

The only problem is IT NEVER WORKS.

In fact, more often than not, the other coach will react by GOING SMALL and put a game-changing run together.

Why?

Footspeed. Footspeed is the key to winning basketball games, not length. Footspeed allows teams to trap and cover for each other on defense. Footspeed forces turnovers and creates fast breaks.

Simply put, size is overrated.

That's never more blatantly obvious than on draft day where doofus' like Olowokandi or Kwame Brown (or Bargnani) go higher than much more talented players just because they're taller.

So go ahead, Colangelo. Stick Bargnani on Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, Caron Butler, Paul Pierce, Ron Artest or Vince Carter (pictured). Good luck with that.

Eastern Conference Predictions 2008/9

The big Qs- Can Boston repeat? Will Detroit rebuild? Does Lebron leave Cleveland? Does Marion get traded? Why did D'Antoni take that job?

ATLANTIC DIVISION
Boston Celtics (55-27)
Losing James Posey will definitely hurt. Don't forget that throughout their march to the ring, Doc referred to Posey as 'the fourth member of the Big Three', whatever the fuck that means. I'm also expecting slippage due to post-title complacency and the Limberger effect of Darius Miles. No repeat here.

Toronto Raptors (48-34)
Did you know that Jermaine O'Neal makes twenty million dollars this year? That's a lot of scratch for a guy who plays the same position as Chris Bosh. I know, I know, it's the East, 'Jermaine can play center.' But he's not a center, right? He's a power forward, and a brittle one at that. Underrated Anthony (Don't Call Me Candace) Parker and Jamario Moon will continue to compensate for the overall suckiness of former #1, Andrea Bargnani.

Philadelphia Sixers (43-39)
Don't get me wrong, I like Elton Brand. I do. But Philly got to the playoffs last year by trapping and running off of turnovers. Not exactly Elton's forte. Also, I can't help but think that having EB down low on offense means less open floor for slashers like Iggy, Thaddeus Young and Andre Miller.

New York Knicks (25-57)
OK, here's where it starts to get ugly. D'Antoni wants to play uptempo but he's got a roster full of slugs. Only Jamal Crawford, David Lee and Wilson Chandler are good fits. Everyone else is available for sixty cents on the dollar. On the bright side, those slugs will get plenty of shots to pad their stats, making them easier to deal.

New Jersey Nets (23-59)
Is Vince Carter really the guy you want around your young, impressionable players? Expect VC to get moved when the Nets drop out of contention...by the third week of the season.



CENTRAL DIVISION
Detroit Pistons (57-25)
Joe Dumars has a reputation for recognizing talent. I'm quite certain that Kwame Brown has absolutely no talent whatsoever. Fortunately, this squad still has Rip, Chauncey, Rasheed and a strong crop of emerging youngsters on the bench, led by Maxiell and Stuckey. If they underachieve, look for Joe D to trade Sheed or Billups and build around Tayshaun. More likely is a return to the Finals, where they'll lose to the Hornets.

Cleveland Cavaliers (50-32)
Nervous days ahead for Danny Ferry. With Lebron's momentous stay/go decision looming, the GMs big signings lately have been Mo Williams and Lorenzen Wright. Eeesh. And it's difficult to picture getting much more mileage out of Big Z. The guess here is that James stays put but not without seriously considering his options first (think Kobe and the Clips a few years back).

Chicago Bulls (42-40)
Ben Gordon's got a legit gripe. Larry Hughes is making twelve mil a year. Nocioni's getting eight. Pax finally paid Luol Deng (smart move) but appears to be content letting Gordon walk, forgetting that two years ago, Gordon scored more points in the fourth quarter than anyone not named Bryant or James. Rookie Derrick Rose should be good enough to make Kirk Hinrich expendable.

Indiana Pacers (33-49)
Jim O'Brien's offense requires good three point shooters. So the team acquired TJ Ford and Jarrett Jack, neither of whom can shoot a lick. Genius. Danny Granger continues to look amazing next to the plodding Dunleavy and Murphy. The Pacers boast the worst pivot platoon in the league with Foster/Nesterovic/Hibbert/Harrison.

Milwaukee Bucks (24-58)
Where to start? Overpaid for Bogut. Obtained Luke Ridnour to be the starting PG. Drafted Joe Alexander way too high. Additionally, I don't see Skiles and Redd getting along. This front office consistently makes awful decisions.

SOUTHEAST DIVISION
Orlando Magic (47-35)
Despite another growth spurt by Dwight Howard, the Magic will discover they can't rely on PG Jameer Nelson. Hedo and Rashard Lewis will do what they do- make threes in bunches and play porous defense. Stan Van can coach, though, and that ensures them another division title, if nothing else.

Miami Heat (46-36)
With DWade back at full-strength, the Heat will be competitive once again. Beasley will do just fine on offense but struggle to match up with power forwards, infuriating Riley. Props for the James Jones signing- shrewd move. Not so much with Jamaal Magloire. Hey, Riles- how about Marion for Odom?

Washington Wizards (44-38)
Is Gil Arenas healthy? Butler and Jamison will do their thing, as always. The real problems lie with the less-than-stellar bigs (Haywood and Thomas).

*Note: Arenas just had knee surgery AGAIN and will miss the first month of the season- ouch.

Atlanta Hawks (40-42)
Continued progress by Al Horford means they'll vie for that 8-spot again. Losing Childress makes their bench wafer-thin, however. Seriously, name someone on Atlanta's bench.

Charlotte Bobcats (30-52)
Why exactly is Michael Jordan a GM? Expect a bumpy first year for Larry Brown as he discovers that few of the fellas on MJ's roster 'play the game the right way.' Could be some more crying from Adam Morrison on the horizon.

Team Nike vs Adidas Brotherhood

Everyone knows that Nike absolutely dominates the US basketball shoe market. Adidas is solidly in second place but it's an extremely distant second, like Phil Mickelson chasing Tiger Woods.

The men's US Olympic team is basically Nike's honor roll: Kobe, Lebron, Kidd, Chris Paul, D Williams, Boozer, Bosh, Carmelo, Tayshaun Prince, Mike Redd- all these guys have Nike contracts. Even Coach K has a shoe deal with Nike. Of the entire team, only Dwyane Wade (Converse, which is now owned by Nike) and Dwight Howard (Adidas) are non-Nike members.

Now look at the players Adidas currently has on its roster: Howard, KG, Duncan, Gilbert Arenas, Chauncey Billups, Tracey McGrady, Josh Smith, Leandro Barbosa and Antawn Jamison.


Get where I'm going with this?

I'm saying fuck the Olympics; nobody gives a shit how many points the US beats Latvia by. I WANNA SEE THE NIKE AND ADIDAS TEAMS GO AT IT.

I wanna see a qualifying series, best of seven, and the winner then gets to represent the USA in the Olympics.

The NBA's always talking about 'transparency.' How about some transparency about how our US team is chosen? Instead of selling the public the ridiculous idea that 12 out of 14 members of our 'national' team just coincidentally happen to be represented by the same conglomerate, why not make the shoe companies battle it out for all the marbles?

This will never happen, of course. Nike wouldn't have the balls. And these millionaire athletes would have to admit that their interest in the tournament was as much financial as patriotic.

Chris Kaman, German For Hire

So Chris Kaman is representing Germany's Olympic team, despite the fact that he's never been there in his life (and probably couldn't find it on a map). Not nearly talented or popular enough to make Team Nike (aka The C.R.E.A.M. Team), Kaman received instant citizenship and a nice chunk of cash to try and bring the gold 'home' to Deutschland.

Lots of Americans are pissed off about this; they consider Kaman a traitor.

(brief pause while I climb up on soapbox)

I don't really give a fuck which country Kaman plays for but I wish everyone would just admit that the entire corporate entity we call Olympic Basketball has become nothing more than 'pay for play.' Think Kobe, Melo and Lebron would be on Team Nike if they weren't getting crazy money for endorsement and TV deals? Furthermore, if the US economy were to completely bottom out, would anyone be surprised to see all of our supposedly devoted US stars bolt for better paying jobs overseas? It's a joke. So Kaman took the cash and 'became' German just like his great-grandfather. Who cares? Sign o' the times, people.