It's Amazing, Unless It Isn't

It's amazing
It's called a craisin
It's a cranberry plus a raisin

Sorry, I took some liberties with Kanye's lyrics. Hearing a song eight million fucking times will do that to a person.

The NBA would have us believe that everything is amazing, apparently. But let's look at the facts, shall we? Is it amazing that the world-champion Boston Celtics, even without KG, beat the mediocre Chicago Bulls? Is it amazing that the #2 seed Denver Nuggets pilloried the decimated Hornets and heartless Mavericks? Is it amazing that the Cavaliers stomped the pathetic Pistons and dinged up Hawks?

No, none of these things are amazing.

What IS amazing is how quickly people are jumping on the Nuggets bandwagon. Charles Barkley's picking them to win the crown, showing the world why he lost so much money in Vegas over the years. What IS amazing is how many times the NBA runs 'where amazing happens' spots in the course of one broadcast. What IS amazing is that Rajon Rondo can punch Brad Miller in the face and not get suspended while Ron Artest gets kicked out for a harmless shove. What IS amazing is how many people are counting the Lakers out because they're having trouble finishing off the plucky Rockets. What IS amazing is seeing dorky white guys do the wing-flapping gesture to show their love for Birdman Andersen. What IS amazing is how many pundits are questioning the coaching philosophy of Phil Jackson while praising George Karl in the same breath. That's more than amazing; that's fucking mind blowing.

LA will handle Houston in Game 7 and then we get to see whether Dahntay Jones is the 'defensive stopper' he claims to be, whether Nene can guard an actual center with a pulse, and whether Denver can win a series without home court. I'm saying no-no-resounding no.

Pictured: Birdman preparing for a crash landing.

Between The Legs

Many basketball purists consider the between-the-legs dribble a flashy bit of showmanship that detracts from the overall quality of the game- a classic case of style over substance. Others think the maneuver's an effective way to escape pressure, a change of direction when the defender is playing too tightly to risk a crossover.

Since the NBA doesn't keep track of this stat (I mean, why the fuck would they?), I decided to document it myself in last night's contest between LA and Denver.

Based on my unofficial tally (watching the game on TV, I might have missed a few while the camera wasn't on the ballhandler), here are the results for most between-the-legs dribbles:

The Winner
Chauncey Billups- on 24 different occasions, Mr. Big Shot went between the legs, including one possession where he did it five times in a row. Ironically, most fans would label Billups a 'blue collar player' who 'plays the game the right way.' You might expect Allen Iverson to go BTL 24 times in a game, but Chauncey?

Runner Up
Kobe Bryant- given his penchant for flair, I fully anticipated Bryant winning this thing outright. Imagine my shock when he went BTL a mere 11 times. Granted, the Lakers were in control most of the night so maybe he didn't feel the need to exert much energy.

Bronze Medalist
Jordan Farmar- went BTL an astonishing 8 times in 14 minutes, mostly just to look cool. Fucking show-off.

Anthony Carter (3), Luke Walton (3), Carmelo (1), JR Smith (1) and Shannon Brown (1) all did it, too. Dahntay Jones, who I'm convinced is the worst player in the league not named Kwame Brown, also tried it once, resulting in an immediate turnover and bucket for the Lakers going the other way. Stop dribbling, scrub. Stick to fouling.

Incidentally, Denver won the overall BTL battle, 30-22. And lost the game by double digits, of course.

Random notes:
Andrew Bynum looked strong, if somewhat rusty, in his first game back; Cheryl Miller's fashion sense continues to be as clueless as her commentary. Did you see her tie-dye/braids outfit? Wack. Scott Pollard was probably watching on TV, laughing his ass off; LA showed some nice pressure and trapping with their second unit; Without a true center, Denver ain't winning shit in the playoffs.

Loose Balls- Tuesday

CAVS: FORCE OR FLUKE?
Cleveland's sitting purty atop the Central at 10-3 but a closer look at their schedule shows that they've beaten up on patsies (Charlotte, Indy) while losing to the league's elite (Boston, New Orleans). Sure, they defeated Utah, but only because the Jazz were playing without Deron Williams, Memo Okur and AK47. The Cavs November and December calendar is softer than tissue paper but we'll know after a tough stretch in January that features the Lakers, Hornets and Jazz whether or not Cleveland's legit.

CLIPS/KNICKS: AFFAIRS OF THE HEART
The Zach Randolph for Cuttino Mobley/Tim Thomas trade has apparently hit a snag because of questions over Mobley's heart, SI reports. Certainly the irony isn't lost on hoops fans who've watched Z-Bo meander through eight full seasons of basketball with absolutely no heart whatsoever.

BLAZERS/KINGS GET FUGLY
This article in the Oregonian perfectly sums up the shitfest that was last night's Portland/Sacto 'contest.' Brandon Roy- good. Everything else in this game- putrid. Greg Oden looked completely lost trying to guard the Kings bigs (Brad Miller and Spencer 'Lil' Brad' Hawes) out on the perimeter. And is it just me, or is Lil' Brad pulling a 'Single White Female' and totally stealing Big Brad's look?

Pictured: Big Brad & Lil' Brad jump around against NO

The NBA: Where Belt-Tightening Happens

On the surface, the big stories so far this season are the continued Lakers/Celtics rivalry and the free agent status of superstar Lebron James. But what�s really on everyone�s mind is how the current financial crisis will impact the league long-term. Allow me to indulge is some gloom and doom for a moment�

With attendance dwindling and many small market teams hemorrhaging cash, we might be witnessing the end of the big-spending era where players got 100 million dollar contracts based on potential. The Knicks just basically gave away Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph for the opportunity to sign James in 2010. According to league reports, as many as 14 teams are lining up to spend their money on Lebron. Yes, he�s one of the best players in the game but he�s also a proven commodity. He�ll sell tickets and help you win games. Practically speaking, that�s a good investment.

Gone are the days when Atlanta would give Jon Koncak 10 mil a season to get 5 points, 8 boards and a block. Gone are the days when Juwan Howard got a six year deal for being Washington�s third best player. In fact, if ticket prices ultimately go down based on poor attendance (makes sense, right?), it�s entirely possible that we�ll see the elimination of the well-paid role player (guys like James Posey or Lamar Odom). To stay profitable, each team would consist of two maxed-out stars and a bunch of minimum wage CBA guys. All those mid-level exception guys would either have to take pay cuts to stay in the league or go look for better deals overseas. Another possibility is that all of the role players play for one-year, non-guaranteed contracts, kind of like the special teams guys in the NFL.

Well paid coaches would probably also get the boot, unless they were winning titles, of course. Mike Dunleavy- gone. Scott Skiles- gone. Rick Carlisle- gone. Now I know this sounds pretty fucking bleak but with the unemployment rate getting higher every day, the average consumer is likely to make cutbacks on spending and I seriously doubt whether even the most hardcore fan would choose hoops tickets over paying the rent.

David Stern, the epitome of corporate douchebaggery, has been frantically trying to set up shop in China so he can jump ship the second it starts sinking. Great leadership there, you prick.

Heading For A Lakers-Celtics Rematch?

I know, I know- it's early. Seven games does not a season make. But seven games DOES give you a pretty good idea of how players are going to mesh and whether or not they'll fit in to new systems and roles. It's also a good sample size for plus/minus and margin of victory. And after three weeks of basketball, it's apparent that last season's finalists, the Lakers and Celtics, are the class of the league. What a surprise. Thanks, Captain Obvious. What IS shocking is how much better they are than anyone else.

LA, the league's only remaining undefeated at 7-0, is absolutely crushing teams. With Andrew Bynum manning the middle, they're currently first in the league in scoring AND points allowed. Unheard of. Obviously, their +18 differential won't hold up for an entire season but I can't recall a start this impressive on both ends by any team since the 72-win Bulls. The difference between this year's team and last? Bynum's improved health and skill level, mainly. But Phil also moved Lamar Odom to the 6th man spot and replaced Luke Walton in the rotation with Trevor Ariza, both shrewd moves that were second-guessed at the time.



Boston's picked up right where they left off, playing stifling D and relying on clutch shooting from Paul Pierce. The Celts only loss off the season was a fluke to Indiana, for fuck's sake. Tony Allen's done an admirable job filling in for the departed James Posey. KG's anchoring a defense that's holding opponents to 39% shooting. Ridiculous.

When you factor in that several key competitors, namely San Antonio and Detroit, have taken big steps backward so far, things are looking pretty good for another Lakers-Celtics Finals. But again, it's very early.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The season's officially underway and already there are a handful of great plotlines developing.

The Good
The Lakers have blown out the Blazers and Clippers and looked dominant in doing so. Their defense has been disruptive, allowing them to get out and run. Also, using Lamar Odom as a sixth man is working out swimmingly so far for Phil Jackson.

Pop's Beard also came out of the gates strong. In addition to covering up his acne, the beard also makes Pop look kind of like Bill Murray (and that's a good thing).

The pic below isn't actually Pop (duh). I couldn't find any shots of his new beard so you'll have to live with this one.



Rudy Fernandez showed he's ready to play right now for Portland. Don't be surprised to see the rook starting soon, moving Roy to point and Blake to the bench.

Paul Pierce and Lebron James continued their burgeoning rivalry with epic performances on opening night.

The Bad
Bruce Bowen in an NBA Cares commercial. Lame. Not cool. If the NBA really cared, they'd suspend Bowen more often for his kicks, punches, trips, pokes and overall douchebaggery.

Speaking of commercials, why is the NBA running their 'where (insert cliche) happens' campaign again? Are they out of money? I want a new campaign, damn it! By the end of last year, that repetitive piano interlude was cringe inducing. Hearing it again on opening night made me want to kill myself.

What's up with Luke Walton only getting four minutes off the bench against Portland? Doghouse?

No Robert Horry to be found. I guess he's retired, officially. Maybe he'll pull a PJ Brown and sign on for a short season with a contender. Be nice to see him back with LA.

The Ugly
Memphis scoring 71 against Houston. OJ Mayo going 5-20. Bet Heisley's glad he traded Kevin Love AND Mike Miller for this kid. When you're getting swindled by Kevin McHale, maybe it's time to quit the business.

Greg Oden's debut was frightening on several levels. For the few minutes he was actually on the court, he looked awkward and skittish, especially on offense. Then, of course, he got injured again. This time he's out 2-4 weeks. Jury's still out on the brittle big man, although my money's on him getting it together in time to win that ROY trophy.

And in closing I'd also like to give a big fuck you to David Stern and his opening night party for the Oklahoma City Super Stolens. Attention, fans of the Milwaukee Bucks (insert laughter here): King Stern has you on his radar. Better build a new arena or the next team stolen might be yours.

Western Conference Predictions 2008/9

The big Qs- Is Bynumite the missing piece? Does Posey put the Hornets over the top? Are the Spurs done? Is this the year Ron Ron eats a baby?

Pacific Division
Los Angeles Lakers (62-20)
With Bynum back in the fold, they'll finish with the best record in the league. But without dealing one of their PFs (Odom, Gasol) for a versatile 3 (like Marion), they won't have the defensive balance to win a title. I also wonder who'll fill in for Turiaf as the energy guy off the bench. I'm seeing a Game 7 loss in the Western Conference Finals. And another MVP for Kobe, bad pinkie and all.

Phoenix Suns (58-24)
Even with all the chaos Steve Kerr hath wrought, this team still has Nash, Amare and Barbosa. That should be good enough for their customary heartbreaking loss in the 2nd round of the playoffs. The most interesting plotline here: is this Shaq's last season? And if so, what's his legacy- Most Dominant Ever or egomaniacal stooge?

*Note- Shaq just announced he plans to play two more seasons.

Los Angeles Clippers (45-37)
The Baron/Brand Conspiracy Gone Wrong was the story of the summer. And I'm still amazed that they got Camby from Denver for a 2nd round pick. Things were actually looking good until they signed Ricky Davis and Jason Williams, the basketball equivalent of having SARS and Avian Bird Flu in the locker room.

*Note- Jason Williams announced he's retiring. Add another couple wins to LA's predicted total.

Golden State Warriors (28-54)
Went from tantalizing to terrible in a month. This Monta Ellis fiasco couldn't come at a worse time. And if they were gonna spend that much dough on Maggette, why didn't they just pay Baron in the first place? A real botch job by Mullin. Silver lining: rookie Anthony Randolph was dominant in Summer League (but then again, so was Koko Archibong).

Sacramento Kings (19-63)
No cowbells ringing this year. Their two best players, Kevin Martin and John Salmons, play the same position. They traded Artest for an old, hobbled Bobby Jackson. Brad Miller still can't guard a chair. Bye bye, Reggie Theus. Nice knowing you. Maybe you can go back into modeling.



Southwest Division
New Orleans Hornets (60-22)
They won't sneak up on anybody this year. But the addition of Posey provides another tested playoff performer and perimeter defender, both important qualities they lacked. Another season of chemistry between CP3, West and Chandler leads to Byron Scott's first championship as a coach.

Houston Rockets (58-24)
The fragile bodies of Yao and TMac keep Houston from being a true contender, even with madman Artest on board. And Rafer Alston isn't a leader by any stretch of the imagination. Their roster is deep, though. If all the cards fall into place, they could be scary. More likely, they play well in spurts that coincide with the everchanging moods of Ron Ron.

San Antonio Spurs (54-28)
First, the bad: Ginobili's injury means they'll start slow. Bruce Bowen is 37 so his days as a stopper are coming to an end. Michael Finley remains one of the least effective starters in the league. The good: Duncan's still only 32. Parker's still Parker. Popovich remains one of the game's best coaches. Ditto for Buford as GM. So even with bad omens everywhere, they could still hoist another trophy in June.

Dallas Mavericks (46-36)
Jason Kidd is a shadow of his former self. I'm a Carlisle fan but I don't see how much more he can get out of this aging bunch who seem to have left their collective heart in Miami two years ago. They still play pansy-ass, jump shooting basketball, not a recipe for success in a man's league. Dirk continues his downward career arc from 'the next Larry Bird' to 'the next Tom Chambers.'

Memphis Grizzlies (12-70)
Worst team in basketball, right here. Other than Rudy Gay, they've got nothing. OJ Mayo will have every opportunity to show the world what a slightly-above-average basketball player he is. Subtract an additional three wins if the Zach Randolph trade goes through. Mike Conley continues to develop...very...slowly. As Yoda would say, 'Unwatchable, they will be.'

Northwest Division
Utah Jazz (55-27)
So predictable, so efficient, so boring. Another solid year for DWilliams and Boozer. Another year of hard fouls from Harpring. Another year of wifeswapping for Kirilenko. Yawn.



Portland Trail Blazers (50-32)
Tough luck: as soon as Oden comes back, Brandon Roy goes down. Expect things to start clicking around mid-season as Rudy Fernandez gets comfy and everyone's healthy at the same time. Still think they should've kept James Jones, though. Oden averages 13/10/3 to edge Beasley for ROY.

Denver Nuggets (38-44)
Blow 'em up, start over. Without Camby in the middle, this team will give up 180 points a game. No way they finish the season with Melo, Iverson AND George Karl on the payroll. When your biggest offseason move is giving a fat contract to JR Smith, you know you're fucked. Maybe Kenyon Martin will punch Nene again. At least that'd be exciting.

Minnesota Timberwolves (24-58)
Let the Kevin Love era begin. I'm sure he'll win a handful of games with his artful outlet passes alone. I keeeed, I keeeeed. It'll be more of the same drudgery in 'Sota as McHale proves again his complete ineptitude at drafting. Mike Miller seems to be making a career of scoring points on dreadful teams. He's like the Kelly Tripucka of this generation.

Oklahoma City Thunder (18-64)
Fuck Clay Bennett. That douchebag doesn't deserve Kevin Durant. Or sold out arenas. May the ghost of Detlef Schremph eternally haunt this franchise.

Andrew Bynum: The Next Benoit Benjamin?

As the Lakers contemplate whether or not to give young, recently injured Andrew Bynum a max contract, I�m reminded of another talented center with limitless potential and a questionable work ethic- Benoit Benjamin.

In case you don�t remember Benoit, he was a lottery pick of the Clippers in �85. His first few years in the league, he showed steady progress and appeared to be on the verge of stardom in �88 when he averaged over 16 points, almost 9 boards and over 3 blocks a game.

Then he got a big contract.



The rest of Benjamin�s 15-year career was respectable but hardly noteworthy. Particularly annoying to fans and management alike was Benoit�s complete lack of focus. His legacy was bringing two left sneakers to an exhibition game.

Numerous times in his first three seasons, Andrew Bynum�s attitude has been questioned by not only Kobe Bryant (the parking lot rant) but also by Hall Of Fame mentor, Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Phil Jackson repeatedly called him out for being lazy and slow to learn defensive rotations.

In fact, until this year, Bynum didn�t impress anyone except Jim Buss, the man responsible for drafting him against the better wishes of just about everyone else in the organization.

Then early last season, the kid had his big breakout. With Chris Mihm injured, Bynum stepped into the starting role and played like he belonged there, averaging a double-double and blocking shots at a league-leading pace. With each impressive performance, the critics grew quieter. Kobe stopped pining for Jason Kidd. Phil seemed genuinely surprised and delighted at this unexpected good fortune. Great nicknames like 'Mandrew' and 'Bynumite' started popping up all over the place. People started comparing him to Shaq, for fuck's sake.



As you know, the story doesn't end well. Bynum hurt his knee and missed the entire second half of the season plus the playoffs. In the aftermath of the Lakers/Celtics debacle, many wondered whether his presence alone would have altered the outcome. Wow. Think about that for a sec. Thirty games of solid basketball and suddenly Andrew Bynum's absence is the reason LA lost the title.

Pretty good time to negotiate a new contract, right?

Laker fans think Bynum deserves a max deal now, even though his rookie deal's good through the end of the year. They want to lock him up to keep him from leaving as a free agent in '09.

But what's Bynum proven, really? He hasn't been an All-Star or a Finals MVP. And he's coming off a knee injury. Why not wait until the kid shows he can do it for a full season before breaking the bank?

Remember Benoit Benjamin? I do. I remember a talented big man who stopped caring the second he got paid.

Note: Compare third year numbers between Bynum and Benjamin.

Ron Ron for Lamar? Hmmm...

Once again, the talks between Sacto and LA are heating up (says ESPN) regarding a swap of Lamar Odom for crazy-as-fuck Ron Artest. Most of the Laker fans I know personally are strongly against this move, claiming that not only will Artest ruin team chemistry but also totally screw up the flow of the triangle. The way Lamar and Pau moved the ball the second half of last season was truly a thing of beauty and if LA had won the title, this discussion wouldn't be taking place. But after getting punked by Boston, the brass in Lakerland are convinced they need to add toughness and physicality so here we are, sitting on the doorstep of The Artest Era.

Fact: Artest is just as lousy an outside shooter as Odom
Fact: Artest has never been known as a good passer
Fact: Lamar is an infinitely better rebounder than Artest

So what's the attraction? One thing and one thing only- Ron Ron's a bad ass motherfucker. And LA needs somebody other than Kobe that scares the opposition. Artest even scares his own teammates. Since his trade to the Kings, he hasn't played the All NBA caliber defense he's known for but there's little doubt he's still got the ability to do so. Think Paul Pierce would've shot over 60% from the field with Artest in his jersey?

Sacre Bleu! Ronny headed to GS?

Just heard a rumor that Ronny Turiaf got a 4 yr/16 mil offer from GS. With their already inflated cap numbers plus the intention of resigning Sasha, surely LA won't match this overly generous offer for the wild and crazy Frenchman. So I bid adieu to the inspiring, fun loving, energetic guy who came back from career (and life) threatening heart surgery to help get us to this year's Finals.

We'll miss ya, Chocolate Moose!

Lakers 2009

Now that the dust has settled from the thorough ass-whupping that Boston put on them, the Lakers have some key decisions to make for next year.

Do they shake things up?

There's been plenty of talk about how Boston 'exposed' the Lakers as a soft team that was weak in the middle. That's bullshit. They were widely regarded as soft ever since the Gasol trade and the front office knows it. So do they deal Lamar Odom for a better defender at the 3 or 4, a Ron Artest or Shawn Marion, perhaps?



Or do they stand pat?

Andrew Bynum made significant enough progress before his injury that many wondered whether or not his presence alone would have altered the Finals outcome. The entire Boston frontline was attacking the rim and pounding the offensive glass at will- something that wouldn't have happened so easily with Bynum patrolling the paint.

The guess here is they sit on their laurels and try again next year with the same unit. Team chemistry was especially good and a big reason for the team's success. Plus Kupcake doesn't have the balls to roll the dice with so much at stake.