Shark Jumpers Of The NBA

The expression 'jumping the shark' usually refers to a defining moment when something/someone/someplace has turned a corner, gone from great to awful, relevant to meaningless, and can never be reconciled or repaired again.

Last year, we saw AI tumble from grace during his disastrous stint with the lying, deceitful Detroit Pistons, who promised him a rose garden and gave him a public reaming instead. This year, the Grizzlies made a big show of introducing him, sold some tickets, then stuck him on the bench. Predictably, he flipped out, made a fool of himself, and is currently no longer with the team. Or the league, for that matter. Funny to think that two years ago, Iverson had a 50 point game with Denver.

Elton Brand's doing some hardcore sharkjumping of his own at the moment. Looking slower than a tree sloth and about as athletic as Chuck Nevitt, Brand's disappearing before our very eyes, eclipsed by the emerging Marreese Speights. I don't understand why Philly brought Brand there in the first place. It's a team full of slashers who want to run and attack the rim. The last thing they need is a lumbering, undersized big clogging up the paint.

Don Nelson has the rare opportunity to become the winningest and most hated coach in history DURING THE SAME SEASON. This year's Warriors are dreadful and he appears to be doing absolutely zero coaching, unless you count stunting the growth of Anthony Randolph and Anthony Morrow as some kind of tough-love psychological ploy.

Gilbert Arenas had a 12 turnover game last night. Yeah. His 2-6 Wizards, despite hiring Flip Saunders and adding Randy Foye, are still garbage. Yes, they're missing Antawn Jamison but it's not like they're losing nail-biters; they're getting their asses kicked by double digits every night. And when that happens, players making 100 million bucks tend to get blamed. And traded.

Not hearing too many people referring to (the corpse formally known as) James Posey as a 'glue guy' anymore. Dude's a mannequin out there. A ghost. I ripped Danny Ainge for letting him go after Boston won the ring two years ago. My bad. It doesn't feel good to admit that Danny Ainge is smarter than I am. It burns, actually. It burns.

Mike Bibby said before the season that he was going to be more of a facilitator this year. Maybe he doesn't know what the word 'facilitate' means because he's averaging less than 4 assists and getting routinely roasted by every opposing player he 'guards.' His minutes are evaporating as shot-happy Jamal Crawford fills in the void. Because the team is 5-2, the Atlanta fans aren't calling for Bibby's head...yet. But there's no question his game and desire have fallen off a freaking cliff.

Speaking of fans (or lack thereof), I'm seeing some pretty large sections of empty seats in almost every arena, even for teams that are doing well. And the season's less than a month old. Not a good sign. Instead of focusing on individual players who've jumped the shark, maybe I should be talking about the entire league outside of Boston, Cleveland, Orlando, Portland, Dallas and LA.

Pictured: OG Shark Jumper, Fonzie (and bitchen action figure)

Loose Balls- Wednesday

*I went digging around for reactions to AI signing with Memphis. Actually, that's a lie. What I really did was Google 'fuck Allen Iverson' to see who else was peeved that Heisley would sabotage the careers of his promising young players for one season of slightly above-average ticket sales. Weak sauce. First Z-Bo, now this. Does Heisley even watch basketball? Did he see the numbers Conley put up for March and April? Is he aware that Mayo almost won ROY? The folks at Spurstalk express my feelings on the subject perfectly.

UPDATE: I wonder how many fans are gonna fall for this goat rodeo?

*Rubio bailing on Minny for Barcelona doesn't surprise me at all. I've been to both and there's no comparison.

*The league loses Bruce Bowen and Matt Harpring in the same month? Say it ain't so. Who's going to fill that massive void of cheap shots, elbows and flops now that these 'hard nosed' (i.e. dirty) players have called it quits? It's too much to ask of Dahntay Jones. He's just one man.

*And last, but certainly not least, a gigantic FUCK YOU (as usual) to King Douche David Stern for once again overstepping his boundaries by attempting to clamp down on NBA tweeting. First the dress code, now this. The last time I checked, a boss couldn't say shit about what his employees did when they weren't at work.

*Is rehab turning convicted tweeter Michael Beasley into DeShawn Stevenson? Who's gonna be the first to bust out the Urkel Dance?

Loose Balls- Monday

SHITBURY WATCH
The Celtics are now 1-1 with Shitbury in the fold. He was OK in the win against Indianapolis but lousy in the loss to Detroit.

His combined stats in 25 total minutes of action:
4/9 FG, 5 Asst, 2 Reb, 1 Stl, 5 TOs, 4 PFs.
His plus/minus during that span is -1.

That's a lot of turnovers and fouls for a self-proclaimed superstar playing against second unit guys. Youngsters Will Bynum and Brandon Rush both clowned him. Sure, Steph's probably not in game shape yet but this is a dubious beginning, to say the least.

And doesn't he just look wrong in a Celtic uniform? I'm not feeling good about this...


MIKKI MOORE- FAIL
Mikki Moore has never impressed me. When he was a Clipper, I saw him on a regular basis and always thought of him as a big who played small, a modern-day Keith Closs (getting dunked on here and getting his ass whupped here). I'm not sure why Ainge jumped at the chance to nab Mikki instead of waiting on Joe Smith. Prior to last season's Ray Allen and KG deals, Ainge was the worst GM in basketball. It seems he's turning back into a pumpkin before our eyes.

THE ANSWER...OR THE CANCER?
Immediately after trading AI to Detroit for Billups, the Nugs went on a streak that propelled them to a high seed and likely home-court advantage in the playoffs. Detroit? They took a shit and lost 12 out of 16. Just when it looked like they were completely done for the season, AI had to shut it down because of a back problem. Guess what? As soon as he sits, the team goes back to being a juggernaut. Rip scores 32, everyone plays D and shares the ball...it's uncanny how AI's mere subtraction makes that team about 500% better.

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD (OR NOT)
The Hornets are now 4-0 since having Tyson Chandler dumped back in their laps by the Superstolens. It's hard to tell whether he's rejuvenated by the shakeup or just finally healthy (or both), but Chandler's rebounding and blocking shots again. As a result, New Orleans is back to being a contender. Even if they win the title, management will probably jettison him again after the season. That's life playing for the cheap-ass Hornets.

LAST OF THE CORNROWS
Now that AI, Melo and Big Ben have shaved off their cornrows (and officially ended their attachment to wack mid-90s fashion), I'd like to politely ask the same of Jared Dudley, Thabo Sefolosha and Kyle Weaver. Not a good look, fellas. Never was.

Pictured: Axl Rose doing his 'cracked-out Bo Derek' impression.

The Power Of The Plus/Minus

82games.com is pretty bad ass. Basically, they compile every stat imaginable to give a true indication of actual performance beyond the box score. My favorite stat is plus/minus per 48 minutes, which essentially tracks a player's performance, even in limited minutes, and predicts what kind of an impact that player would have over a full game. The plus/minus isn't just about scoring; it's about the overall effect on both ends of the court and how that translates into winning.

Using 82games data, I went through every team in the league and put together what each team's ideal lineup would be based on this theory. This doesn't mean these players should all be starters but it does mean they should get big minutes and be on the floor when the game's decided. I only included players who were already in the rotation since garbage time stats can be misleading.

What I discovered is that several big name stars would better serve their teams by riding the pine (I'm talking to you, AI).

ATLANTA
Josh Smith's numbers project to an astonishing +19.4 per 48 minutes. This makes him the 2nd most effective player in the entire NBA right now (Lamar Odom's first with 20.1 but more on him later).

Best lineup- Bibby, Johnson, Williams, Smith, Horford

Kudos to Mike Woodson for knowing the numbers and playing his best unit big minutes.

BOSTON
No surprises. KG leads the team at +15.5. Ray Allen's second at 14.8.

Best- Rondo, Allen, Pierce, KG, Perkins

CHARLOTTE
The entire team is in the negative so it's really just a matter of choosing who sucks the least. Also, basketball is a team sport so one good player can't make the other four not suck. Jason Richardson has their best numbers (-0.9), Matt Carroll, their worst (-10.1).

Best- Augustin, Felton, Richardson, Wallace, Okafor

CHICAGO
Andres Nocioni is a winner (+4.8) and should be not only starting but playing huge minutes on a team full of minuses. Thought Derrick Rose was a superstar? Think again- he's -5.5. Vinny Del Negro should also be aware that Drew Gooden's playing 30 minutes a game despite his awful production (-8.2)

Best- Rose, Gordon, Deng, Nocioni, Noah

CLEVELAND
The King lives up to his title with a gaudy +17.3. Delonte West is right on his heels at +15.7

Best- Williams, West, James, Wallace, Z

DALLAS
Contrary to popular belief, Kidd (+7.5) and Dirk (+6.9) are meshing well. The big surprise? Dampier (+10.5) actually has the best number on the team. Who's got the worst? Jerry Craphouse at an abysmal -24.6. In fact, that number makes Craphouse the league's worst player per 48. He's now out of the rotation and asking for a trade.

Best- Kidd, Terry, Howard, Nowitzki, Dampier

Sorry, Craphouse. No minutes for you.



DENVER
Chauncey's leading the team at +7.9. That AI trade's looking better all the time. Linas Kleiza is playing over 20 minutes a game but not producing (-2.8)

Best- Billups, JR Smith (not Dahntay Jones), Melo, Martin, Nene

DETROIT
Speaking of AI, he's at -1.7 and his ballhogging has made Rip Hamilton considerably less effective (-2.6). Stick 'em both on the bench. Arron Afflalo has been excellent (+12.8) in limited minutes- give him a shot.

Best- Stuckey, Afflalo, Prince, Sheed, Amir Johnson

Here's a clear case where the suggested change obviously WON'T happen. No way Curry brings AI or Rip off the bench but according to 82games, the Pistons would have a better chance of winning if he did.

GOLDEN ST
Jamal Crawford is a great example of a guy who puts up numbers that don't translate to wins. Since coming to the Warriors, he's at -12.9. Kelenna Azubuike's pretty awful, too (-8.7). Ronny Turiaf, AKA The Chocolate Moose, is the team's most efficient player at +4.7.

Best- CJ Watson, Maggette, Jax, Turiaf, Biedrins

HOUSTON
Shane Battier only played in a handful of games before getting hurt but his numbers are off the charts (+16.1). Yao's second at +8.5.

Best- Alston, Battier, McGrady, Artest, Yao

Yep, that's a lineup with Ron Ron at PF. Try it out, Adelman. Move Scola to the bench.

INDIANA
Granger (+3.2) and Marquis Daniels (+2.7) are their only good players. Little wonder they're a mediocre ballclub.

Best- Ford, Daniels, Granger, Murphy, Nesterovic

LA CLIPS
Nobody on the positive side. Camby's the closest at -1.4. Kaman (-9) and Ricky Davis (-21.3 for fuck's sake!) are the real reason this club is complete dogshit. Other than Craphouse, Ricky Buckets has been the worst rotation player in the game. I say 'has been' not because he IS ONE but because he hasn't seen significant PT in weeks.

Best- Baron, Gordon, Thornton, Randolph, Camby

LA LAKERS
As previously mentioned, Lamar leads the entire league at +20.1. It should be noted that he's frequently matched up with 2nd unit guys now that he's a 6th man so that stat might need an asterisk. Trevor Ariza's also at an eye-popping +18.2. Kobe's just being Kobe (+14.7). The entire rotation has big numbers but these three are the biggest contributors to the team's 17-2 start.

Best- Fish, Kobe, Ariza, Lamar, Pau

'Only 25 minutes a game for me, Phil? C'mon!'



MEMPHIS
Media darlings OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay (can I just combine their names and call them Ru J Gayo?) get a lot of attention for their big scoring numbers but these two are getting smashed in plus/minus (-7.6 and -8.6 respectively). The team is so bad, they're still the best options for big minutes but neither of these guys should be considered a star by any means. Like Jamal Crawford, they get points but not results. The team's best players? Darko and Hakim Warrick, believe it or not.

Best- Lowry, Mayo, Gay, Warrick, Milicic

MIAMI
Wade (+6.9) and Marion (+5.7) are solid. Michael Beasley's getting ripped in the press but still manages to stay in the black at +1.1.

Best- Chalmers, Wade, Marion, Beasley, Haslem

MILWAUKEE
Sessions is better than Ridnour (+1.1 to -1.1). Charlie Bell is the weak link at -6.7. Rookie Luc Richard Mbaha Moute should be starting.

Best- Sessions, Redd, Jefferson, Mbaha Moute, Bogut

MINNESOTA
Not that Wittless is gone, McFail decides who gets the minutes. The smart money's on benching Gomes (-8.1) and Assy Telfair (-4.9).

Best- Foye, McCants, Miller, Love, Jefferson

NJ NETS
Devin Harris is the only starter playing winning ball. Expect the losses to start piling up any day now. Their best chance of winning is with this lineup (seriously).

Best- Harris, Carter, Hassell, Yi, Lopez

NY KNICKS
No positives. Tim Thomas is the worst at -16. Harrington's at -6.9. Blech.

Best- Duhon, Q, Chandler, Lee, Harrington

OKC SUPERSTOLENS
Earl Watson (-19) and Nick Collison (-22.5) are playing CBA ball out there. Russell Westbrook and Joe Smith are much better options at those positions.

Best- Westbrook, Mason, Durant, Smith, Wilcox

ORLANDO
Michael Pietrus was playing beautifully before getting hurt (+11.8). Good acquisition by Otis Smith (can't believe I just wrote that!).

Best- Nelson, Pietrus, Turk, Rashard, Howard

PHILLY
The numbers seem to indicate that the Sixers are losing mostly due to poor play by their bench, specifically Louis Williams (-6.9). Iggy leads the team at +4.3.

Best- Miller, Iggy, Thaddeus, Brand, Dalembert

PHOENIX
Nash is the best starter at +3.4. Shaq's breaking even. Leandro Barbosa's fallen off a cliff at -7.2. His mother just died so maybe he's having trouble focusing.

Best- Nash, Bell, Barnes, Diaw, Stoudemire (sorry, Shaq)

PORTLAND
Nic Batum (+9.3) and Aldridge (+9.2) lead the team. Prezbo (+6.1) is outplaying Oden (+0.3).

Best- Blake, Roy, Batum, Aldridge, Prezbo

SACTO
Their 'best' is Beno Udrih at -4. Bobby Brown (and I'm not being cruel) is at -12. Rookie Jason Thompson is deserving of some extra burn.

Best- Beno, Salmons, Thompson, Mikki Moore, Brad Miller (in your face, Lil' Brad Hawes)

SPURS
Bonner! +11.7! I'm speechless. Ime Udoka's next at +8.8. So why the slow start? Amazingly, Duncan and Parker are both in the red for the year.

Best- TP, Ginobili, Udoka, Bonner, Duncan

TORONTO
Kris Humphries and Jamario Moon have been their only good players. Bosh and Calderon are both hovering around -2. Jermaine is a weak -5.3.

Best- Calderon, Parker, Moon, Humphries, Bosh

UTAH
AK47 and Paul Millsap have been excellent. DWill and Boozer, even when healthy, have been only so-so.

Best- Williams, Brewer, Kirilenko, Millsap, Okur

WIZ
You know you're fucked when Nick Young and Andray Blatche are your best players. Deshawn Stevenson (-12.1) better grow his beard back or something.

Best- Juan Dixon, Butler, Jamison, Songaila, rookie Javale McGee

So there you have it. Again, not necessarily the best starting units but a strong recommendation for who should be out there in the 4th quarter when the game's on the line.

Thanks, 82games. You rock.

WTF? Headscratching Galore

Portland's off to a slow start this year and one of the key reasons is Nate McMillan's decision to play Steve Blake at point and move Roy to 2. If you'll recall, just last season, with the team mired in mediocrity, Roy went to McMillan and pleaded with the coach to let him run point and handle the ball more. The result? 13 game win streak. So what happens this year? Nate opens the season with Blake at point. I don't get it. Especially when Blake is a career backup, for fuck's sake.

And who could possibly envision the Spurs starting 1-4? No Manu, no Parker, no bench. Michael Finley and Kurt Thomas look positively ancient. And their D sucks- they're giving up 105 a game. I fully expect them to turn it around and finish somewhere in the 5-6 seed neighborhood. But what if they don't? Could it be possible San Antonio misses the playoffs? We know that LA, New Orleans, Utah, Houston and Phoenix will be there. And Dallas, probably. That only leaves two spots for Portland, Denver and the Spurs to fight over. Pop's teams always start slowly, but not usually THIS slowly. Strange days, indeed.

None of this week's oddities freaked me out quite as much as watching Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao guard each other in the Bulls/Cavs game. Yuck. I've sung Varejao's praises in the past and also predicted that Noah will someday be a serviceable, if not great, player. But seeing the two of them go against each other? Wow. The horror, the hair, the baby fat. Disgusting.



Speaking of disgusting, how much of a steaming shitpile is the Golden State organization right now? The players hate the coach, the coach hates the GM, the GM hates the owners. Their best player (Monta) won't see the court until midseason. They let Baron go and replaced him with Cory Fucking Maggette. What a botch job. Stephen Jackson has to be wondering whether or not it's a good idea to stay there long term.

The only team in deeper doodoo than GS? The Clips, who've spiraled down to 0-6 and appear to have thrown in the towel exactly two weeks into an eight month season. My buddy Big Ben thinks that Elgin Baylor put a curse on Dunleavy for the backstabbingly rude dismissal. My theory is that any team with Ricky Davis on the roster immediately sucks balls. Let's call it the Ricky Davis Effect- dramatic weakening through sheer exposure. Like Kryptonite for Superman. Or Palin for McCain.

Not all of this year's early surprises are disaster movies, however. The Atlanta Hawks, despite having absolutely no bench whatsoever, are undefeated and just beat the Hornets on the road. Joe Johnson is playing MVP basketball. Horford and Smith are legit. They're beating teams by double digits. I'm genuinely impressed. One injury and they're sub .500 again but Hawks fans (bwaaahaaahaaa!) should enjoy this cohesion while it lasts.

*Note- Josh Smith sprained his ankle against Toronto and is out 2-4 weeks. Sorry, Hawks fans (bwaaaahaaaahaaaa!)

My take on the AI/Chauncey trade: Detroit immediately loses their contender status this year but puts themselves in position to sign Lebron/Wade/Bosh after the season. Good move for them. Denver is slightly better than they were but still has no center and little to no chance of coming out of the brutal West. And they just committed to more money long term. Way to go, Kroenke!

Stoner Hall Of Fame

Congrats to the rooks Chalmers and Arthur, who are now members of a vaunted list of players, past and present, who've been busted with weed:

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Webber, Scottie Pippen, Allen Iverson, Shawn Kemp, Lamar Odom, Marcus Camby, Dennis Rodman, Damon Stoudamire, Zach Randolph, JR Rider, Brad Miller, Robert Parrish, Joakim Noah, Rod Strickland and of course, Josh Howard.

Anyone else I forget?

Best Seat In The House

I went through the final regular season stats and looked at each NBA team to determine who played THE LEAST MINUTES in the NBA for 2007.

To put the numbers below in perspective, Allen Iverson led the league in minutes played with 3,423.

1. Jerome James, Knicks- 5 minutes. Total. For the whole season.
2. Bo Outlaw, Magic- 7 minutes
3. Billy Thomas, Cavs- 8 minutes
4. Keith Langford, Spurs- 10 minutes
5. Courtney Sims, Pacers- 11 minutes
6. Loren Woods, Rockets- 17 minutes
7. Guillermo Diaz, Clippers- 18 minutes
8. Ronald DuPree, Sonics- 21 minutes
9. Ian Mahinmi, Spurs- 23 minutes
10. (tie) Jamaal Magloire, Mavs & Shavlik Randolph, Sixers- 27 minutes

Better luck in '08, boys! Don't give up the dream!

Pictured: Jerome James getting stretched out...to sit on the bench.