Fooled By The Fantasy

I looooove fantasy basketball. There's something about crunching numbers and poring over stats that scratches an itch somewhere deep inside my brain (gross, sorry). Even before the internets, I'd analyze box scores and see if I could anticipate or predict trends.

That said, fantasy basketball is making it seriously hard for me to have a good conversation with basketball fans about actual basketball.

I end up hearing dumb shit like "Jose Calderon is one of the best PGs in the league" or "David Lee is worth 10 million a season."

Let's consult the roto Big Board of Yahoo's Brandon Motherfunkin' Funston, shall we? Chris Paul is rated above LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. Dirk Nowitzki and Amare Stoudemire are more valuable than Tim Duncan, apparently. Dwight Howard trails the mighty Troy Murphy, for fuck's sake.

Any discerning individual with half a brain can distinguish between roto numbers and how good a player really is. Unfortunately, message boards and sports bars are filled to the brim with fucknuts who take this fantasy shit as gospel. There are people out there who still think Zach Randolph is a good basketball player. I'm not fucking kidding.

"Cleveland will win the title if they add Zach Randolph." I've heard this from more than one person.

News flash. Nate Robinson is terrible. So is Jamal Crawford. Yes, I'm aware they score points and make 3 pt shots. But they're dreadful basketball players. They contribute to losing games with every fiber of their beings.

So I'll congratulate anyone who tells me that they won their roto league because of Murphy and Crawford. Fantasy is fantasy. But don't come talking shit about how the Lakers should be looking to acquire these assclowns, or worse yet, trade an actual quality player for them ("Dude, LA should trade Lamar Odom for Troy Murphy"- STFU).

Meh.

Pictured: Nate and Jose leading their teams to mediocrity

Focusing On Basketball? Not So Much

You know how coaches are always complaining about how they can't get their players to 'focus on basketball'? Usually, it's because the ballers are too busy trying to market their brand and sell merchandise.

Wanna join the Nate Robinson Fan Club? It's a great deal- only $240 a year! On this well-maintained site, you can also buy a pair of 'game worn shoes' or an 'Aaron Brooks jersey'- uh, wtf?

Speaking of fan clubs, I suggest you join Devin Harris'. You'd be the first.

Ben Gordon's site is also freakin' hilarious and features the world's lamest loading graphic AND a bedazzled shirt.

You ever wonder what Paul Pierce does when he's not in uniform? He fucks the championship trophy, apparently. Or prepares for his post-NBA career as a security guard.

Would you buy a Pig Pack Plus from Theo Ratliff? Hells, yeah. That's the power of Youngevity, yo.

Good to know these guys are laying groundwork for their lives after the game. Wouldn't want another Corie Blount or Jason Caffey situation popping up.

Little Nate Honored As Cream Of The Crap

Knicks guard Nate Robinson had his jersey retired by the NBA Summer League 'in recognition of his contributions for the past three years', according to NBA.com.

Why the hell would Summer League be retiring jerseys?

Primarily, Summer League's a place for rookies to get their feet wet. It's also where veteran journeymen (holla back, Jelani McCoy) congregate, desperate to nab one year deals as low-paid benchwarmers.

Being in Summer League more than once means you're doing something wrong, especially if you've already got a contract. Being there THREE YEARS IN A ROW means you should be very worried about your job security.

This dubious distinction is the latest wrinkle in Little Nate's increasingly bizarre career. Best known for The Block on Yao Ming and missing 87 consecutive dunks (and still winning!) at All Star Weekend a few years back, Nate seems destined to be one of those talented guys that shows glimpses (like his 45 point explosion against Portland last year) but never quite becomes a star.

This year could be his best chance. Here's why:

Mike D'Antoni will push the ball and play uptempo, which definitely favors Nate and Jamal Crawford over plodders like Mardy Collins and Chris Duhon. Stephon Marbury's probably a goner, either through buyout or trade. With such marginal talent as his competition, there's no reason why Nate won't log big minutes even if he doesn't start.

The Knicks will be total shit this year but maybe, just maybe, Little Nate can be a shining corn kernel in the middle of that monstrous turd.

NOTE: Nate's jersey has since been 'unretired' and taken off the Cox Pavilion wall (thanks, FanHouse). In short, forget you ever read this.