Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Early Playoff Trends

The first punches have been thrown. The tone has been set. In each playoff matchup, a pattern has been established.

Predictably, Cleveland has made Detroit its bitch.

Without KG, the Celtics have shown plenty of grit but little defense. In two games against the Baby Bulls, Boston's surrendered an average of 110 points per game. Maybe Tom Thibodeau ain't such a genius, after all. To make matters worse, they lost Leon Powe to a torn ACL. AND Rajon Rondo's dinged up after rolling his ankle. So...that means Doc has to trust Shitbury and Mikki Mouse just to get past the 7th seed. Fugly.

Orlando choked away an 18-point lead and lost Game 1 to the scrambling Sixers. The run started when Dwight Howard left the game after getting scratched in the eye, supporting the theory that the Magic are a one-man team.

Josh Smith and the Hawks attacked the rim all night and blew out the Miami Heat, who've played the entire season without a legit big man to protect the basket. Shocker.

The Lakers toyed with Utah twice, letting them get just close enough to sniff victory before snatching it away with a smirk.

Denver rode a red-hot Chauncey Billups to a win over the Hornets. George Karl instructed career scrub Dahntay Jones to 'get all Bruce Bowen' (holding, scratching, clawing) on Chris Paul, which resulted in lots of shit talking between the two. If I were Chris Paul and Dahntay Fucking Jones was mouthing off to me, my only comeback would be, 'You're Dahntay Fucking Jones. Don't talk to me. Stick to grabbing my balls.'

Pictured: Jones making a play on the balls

In the Seniors Division of the playoffs, Dallas managed a split in San Antonio, ensuring that this series will go waaaaaay too many games for Tim Duncan's balky knee.

Portland inexplicably decided to single-cover Yao Ming in Game 1. The Great Wall made all nine of his shots and Houston rolled. Much was made about the Blazers inexperience but really that loss was Nate McMillan's fault. McMillan awoke from his coma and threw different doubles, fronts and schemes at Yao in Game 2 and Portland clawed back to even the series. Brandon Roy has absolutely destroyed the defensive tandem of Battier/Artest.

On a sidenote, if this injury does indeed end the long and prosperous career of Dikembe Mutombo, I salute the man responsible for the finger wag and legendary 'Who wants to sex Mutombo?' quote.

And for the love of Fuck, someone please tell the NBA to stop running that fucking retread 'Where Amazing Happens' bullshit. That piano loop was tired LAST YEAR. Erik Satie's rolling in his fucking grave right now.

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