Get That Weak Sauce Outta Here!

It's fairly common for NBA players to get their shots blocked. It happens to everyone, sometimes even multiple times in a game. Now that Yahoo! Sports is keeping track of the 'blocks against' category in their box scores, fans get to stay informed on who's getting rejected most frequently.

In last night's schedule of games, Brandon Roy, Jerryd Bayless, Al Horford, Marcus Thornton, Derrick Rose, Manu Ginobili, Amare Stoudemire, CJ Miles and Deron Williams all shared the glorious honor of the Weak Sauce Hat Trick- getting their feeble offerings airmailed back to them thrice each.

Not to be outdone, TJ Ford served up four marshmallows for the defense to play volleyball with.

Pictured: Ford in familiar territory

LaMarcus Aldridge, Meet Charles Smith

Charles Smith was a 6'10 forward/center who was taken #3 in the 1988 Draft by Philly and then traded immediately to the Clippers. His sweet shooting stroke and ability to run the floor earned him a starting spot as a rookie and he made the most of it, averaging 16/6 with just over a block a game. His second and third seasons were even better, as he topped the 20-point plateau and established himself as a defensive presence. He injured his knee during his fourth season and played only 49 games. Then he was traded to the Knicks, who already had Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason at PF. He was a solid contributor on a tough Knicks team but was most famous for getting four of his weak-sauce layups blocked by the Bulls in the playoffs. He got traded/injured for five more seasons before retiring.

Smith never won a ring or made the All-Star team. He did, however, appear in this fucking awful Hootie & The Blowfish video (thanks, Low Posts). In his defense, Smith seems like a class act.

LaMarcus Aldridge, as you're well aware, is a 6'10 forward/center who was taken #2 in the 2006 Draft by Chicago and traded immediately to the Blazers. His sweet shooting stroke and ability to run the floor earned him 22 starts in his rookie year but he finished the campaign with modest averages of 9/5. He blossomed in his second and third seasons, pushing those numbers up to 18/7. Now many are wondering whether he'll take the leap to All-Star level.

This is also Aldridge's contract year. Teammate Brandon Roy just signed a max deal and the hot topic of the day is whether or not Aldridge deserves one, too.

Like Charles Smith before him, Aldridge also tends to shy away from contact, preferring the fadeaway J to a power move or dunk attempt. He's a finesse player. At power forward. And nobody's bringing it up right now, but I'm sure the fact that he's been diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition is still in the minds of Blazer brass.

*It's kind of trivial, but Smith's bday is July 16th, Aldridge's is the 19th. According to this Astrology site, Cancer is 'loving and emotional' but also 'moody and oversensitive.' But I digress...

So, how will this whole thing shake out? Aldridge's people are saying publicly that they're not after the same max deal Brandon Roy just signed. And they shouldn't be. Roy's a team leader who can consistently get (and make) his own shot in the clutch. Roy's an All-Star. LA hasn't proven anything yet- he's a good player with the possibility of a bright future. Or not.

Pictured: Smith rocking the high-top fade

Out Like Trout?

Travis Outlaw played the fourth most minutes of any player on the 54-win Blazers last year. The team frequently turned to him at the end of games when Brandon Roy was doubled. He's gotten progressively better every season he's been in the league. He works his ass off. Everyone on the team loves him.

Yet the brass still actively pursued Turkoglu and Millsap, throwing more money at those guys than Trout could ever dream of. Pritchard is probably on the phone right now trying to deal him for a mediocre backup PF.

Why?

His defense, mostly. Plus, he's been known to take some really bad shots. And with the addition of Andre Miller, one of the deepest teams in the league just got deeper. Dividing up all those minutes is nigh impossible, and people have really tried.

So what's next for Outlaw? Does he continue his upward trend or get buried on the bench behind Portland's glut of wings? Most Blazer fans would prefer the latter. He's become somewhat of a whipping boy, which is a stark contrast from the pre-Brandon era when he was a fan favorite and one of the team's few bright spots (no disrespect to Darius Miles, Zach Randolph and Ruben Patterson- ahem).

In a recent Tweet, Outlaw maintained a positive perspective: "I love all the doubt and negativity...feeding it all to the motivational flames. Keep it coming."

Somehow I don't think that'll be a problem.

Early Playoff Trends

The first punches have been thrown. The tone has been set. In each playoff matchup, a pattern has been established.

EAST
Predictably, Cleveland has made Detroit its bitch.

Without KG, the Celtics have shown plenty of grit but little defense. In two games against the Baby Bulls, Boston's surrendered an average of 110 points per game. Maybe Tom Thibodeau ain't such a genius, after all. To make matters worse, they lost Leon Powe to a torn ACL. AND Rajon Rondo's dinged up after rolling his ankle. So...that means Doc has to trust Shitbury and Mikki Mouse just to get past the 7th seed. Fugly.

Orlando choked away an 18-point lead and lost Game 1 to the scrambling Sixers. The run started when Dwight Howard left the game after getting scratched in the eye, supporting the theory that the Magic are a one-man team.

Josh Smith and the Hawks attacked the rim all night and blew out the Miami Heat, who've played the entire season without a legit big man to protect the basket. Shocker.

WEST
The Lakers toyed with Utah twice, letting them get just close enough to sniff victory before snatching it away with a smirk.

Denver rode a red-hot Chauncey Billups to a win over the Hornets. George Karl instructed career scrub Dahntay Jones to 'get all Bruce Bowen' (holding, scratching, clawing) on Chris Paul, which resulted in lots of shit talking between the two. If I were Chris Paul and Dahntay Fucking Jones was mouthing off to me, my only comeback would be, 'You're Dahntay Fucking Jones. Don't talk to me. Stick to grabbing my balls.'

Pictured: Jones making a play on the balls


In the Seniors Division of the playoffs, Dallas managed a split in San Antonio, ensuring that this series will go waaaaaay too many games for Tim Duncan's balky knee.

Portland inexplicably decided to single-cover Yao Ming in Game 1. The Great Wall made all nine of his shots and Houston rolled. Much was made about the Blazers inexperience but really that loss was Nate McMillan's fault. McMillan awoke from his coma and threw different doubles, fronts and schemes at Yao in Game 2 and Portland clawed back to even the series. Brandon Roy has absolutely destroyed the defensive tandem of Battier/Artest.

On a sidenote, if this injury does indeed end the long and prosperous career of Dikembe Mutombo, I salute the man responsible for the finger wag and legendary 'Who wants to sex Mutombo?' quote.

And for the love of Fuck, someone please tell the NBA to stop running that fucking retread 'Where Amazing Happens' bullshit. That piano loop was tired LAST YEAR. Erik Satie's rolling in his fucking grave right now.

Loose Balls- Monday

FOUL IN PHILLY
What�s up with the last place Sixers? Picked by many experts to challenge Boston for the Atlantic crown, Mo Cheeks� sorry crew has looked positively clueless while stumbling to a 7-10 mark.

The biggest issue: Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand don�t fit together. With EB clogging up the paint, Philly can�t run isolations or pick and rolls on the perimeter for Iggy.

Additionally, Andre Miller�s post-up game (one of his strengths) is no longer an asset since Brand�s big butt is occupying the entire painted area. Instead, Miller�s left to loiter at the 3 point line where he�s not much of a threat (4 made 3s in 17 games so far).

Brand�s lack of footspeed has also put the breaks on the burgeoning Sixer running game.

Brand's a good player, don't get me wrong. But he's not the RIGHT player for that system. In retrospect, maybe that money would have been better spent on Josh Smith (or saved for the Lebron/Wade/Bosh sweepstakes).

NETS: MORE THAN JUST THE SHEER MIGHT OF BROOK LOPEZ
Who are these suddenly competitive New Jersey Nets? Even though they�re being outscored by almost three points a game on average, they�re staying above .500 largely because of All-Star caliber play from Devin Harris. Seeing Harris score 47 last night probably gave Mark Cuban a fucking ulcer.

A DRAFT LIKE ANY OTHER
Looking back, can we now safely say that last year�s draft was not, in fact, the best of all time (as it was widely hailed a year ago)? Kevin Durant is developing nicely into the next Tracy McGrady- not the next Michael Jordan. And Greg Oden? Right now, he�s more Dikembe Mutombo than Hakeem Olajuwon. The 1984 Draft, which featured Jordan, Hakeem (Akeem back then), Barkley and John Stockton, remains the standard by which all other drafts are measured. The 2003 Draft, with Lebron, Wade, Melo and Bosh, would probably be my runner-up.

Pictured: The Dream with El Douche in '84


ROY'S BOYS
Gotta give some love to Portland. Starting two defensive-minded rookies, Oden and Nic Batum, the Blazers are playing tough, physical basketball while holding opponents to 93 points a game. Their first unit, spearheaded by MVP candidate Brandon Roy, has established early leads in every game I�ve watched this year. They�re not a championship club yet, but I wouldn�t want to see them in the playoffs.

POLITICKING FOR THE PODOLOFF
Speaking of MVP, there are only five players in the conversation at this point. Given that the MVP always comes from teams that win 50 plus games, only Kobe, Lebron, Dwight Howard, Paul Pierce and Brandon Roy qualify so far. Chris Paul is playing his ass off but his teammates, notably MIA Tyson Chandler, can hardly say the same.

WTF? Headscratching Galore

Portland's off to a slow start this year and one of the key reasons is Nate McMillan's decision to play Steve Blake at point and move Roy to 2. If you'll recall, just last season, with the team mired in mediocrity, Roy went to McMillan and pleaded with the coach to let him run point and handle the ball more. The result? 13 game win streak. So what happens this year? Nate opens the season with Blake at point. I don't get it. Especially when Blake is a career backup, for fuck's sake.

And who could possibly envision the Spurs starting 1-4? No Manu, no Parker, no bench. Michael Finley and Kurt Thomas look positively ancient. And their D sucks- they're giving up 105 a game. I fully expect them to turn it around and finish somewhere in the 5-6 seed neighborhood. But what if they don't? Could it be possible San Antonio misses the playoffs? We know that LA, New Orleans, Utah, Houston and Phoenix will be there. And Dallas, probably. That only leaves two spots for Portland, Denver and the Spurs to fight over. Pop's teams always start slowly, but not usually THIS slowly. Strange days, indeed.

None of this week's oddities freaked me out quite as much as watching Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao guard each other in the Bulls/Cavs game. Yuck. I've sung Varejao's praises in the past and also predicted that Noah will someday be a serviceable, if not great, player. But seeing the two of them go against each other? Wow. The horror, the hair, the baby fat. Disgusting.



Speaking of disgusting, how much of a steaming shitpile is the Golden State organization right now? The players hate the coach, the coach hates the GM, the GM hates the owners. Their best player (Monta) won't see the court until midseason. They let Baron go and replaced him with Cory Fucking Maggette. What a botch job. Stephen Jackson has to be wondering whether or not it's a good idea to stay there long term.

The only team in deeper doodoo than GS? The Clips, who've spiraled down to 0-6 and appear to have thrown in the towel exactly two weeks into an eight month season. My buddy Big Ben thinks that Elgin Baylor put a curse on Dunleavy for the backstabbingly rude dismissal. My theory is that any team with Ricky Davis on the roster immediately sucks balls. Let's call it the Ricky Davis Effect- dramatic weakening through sheer exposure. Like Kryptonite for Superman. Or Palin for McCain.

Not all of this year's early surprises are disaster movies, however. The Atlanta Hawks, despite having absolutely no bench whatsoever, are undefeated and just beat the Hornets on the road. Joe Johnson is playing MVP basketball. Horford and Smith are legit. They're beating teams by double digits. I'm genuinely impressed. One injury and they're sub .500 again but Hawks fans (bwaaahaaahaaa!) should enjoy this cohesion while it lasts.

*Note- Josh Smith sprained his ankle against Toronto and is out 2-4 weeks. Sorry, Hawks fans (bwaaaahaaaahaaaa!)

My take on the AI/Chauncey trade: Detroit immediately loses their contender status this year but puts themselves in position to sign Lebron/Wade/Bosh after the season. Good move for them. Denver is slightly better than they were but still has no center and little to no chance of coming out of the brutal West. And they just committed to more money long term. Way to go, Kroenke!