Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rug Barnes In Commanding Lead For America's Next Bruce Bowen

With this amazing display of unbridled douchebaggery, Matt (Rug) Barnes has established a seemingly insurmountable lead in the race to become America's Next Bruce Bowen.

What the judges (me, basically) are looking for in this competition: dirty play, shit talking, ability to pester and distract, originality, flair, starters minutes AND (this is key) the occasional three point dagger to win a game but otherwise complete offensive ineptitude.

The loathsome Bowen, as any hoops fan can attest, set the bar pretty high. For over a decade, he kicked, tripped, headbutted, fondled and molested anyone Coach Popozitz assigned him to guard/rape. And sadly, the Spurs won a few titles that way. The prison strategy worked. So now every coach wants a 'Bowen-type' on their roster. But here's the catch: the Next Bruce needs to channel his douchebaggery in a way that actually helps win games. It's more than being a thug; it's being a productive thug. You can't win Next Bruce if your team isn't a contender. If you're out there douching it up and your team loses anyway, you're better suited for America's Next Danny Fortson (I see you, Reggie Evans).

It's going to take an impossibly disgusting effort from Floppy Varejao and Dirty Dahntay to close the gap this late in the season. But as they say, it ain't over until the fat lady punches you in the junk on a baseline screen. So get to grabbing, jerks! Make Uncle Bruce proud.

Pictured: Rug giving little Devin Harris the business

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