Limping Or Pimping?

An 82 game season is no joke. Even the best conditioned, most well trained athletes in the world can't run for two hours on a hard surface every day of their lives without their bodies breaking down. And that doesn't even factor in all the times they get knocked to the floor or land wrong on an ankle. Or catch a Ron Artest elbow in the neck.

And injuries play a huge part in who wins the title every year, no doubt.

So with the playoffs just around the corner, I looked at the current contenders and asked "Are they limping or pimping?"

CLE Even though Diesel's out for a minute, the rest of their squad's in pretty good shape. Pimping.

LA Kobe's hand probably looks like a catcher's mitt these days but I'd be willing to bet he could play in the postseason even if they had to chop off a finger, Ronnie Lott-style. Still pimping.

ORL Remember when Vince Carter was a guy you could count on to miss at least 20 games? This is his fifth year straight with exemplary attendance. Wait, did I just jinx him? They're pimping.

DEN I don't think they'd win a title even if K-Mart was currently healthy enough to play. And Coach Karl has cancer. Limping. Hard.

BOS Collective Arthritic Reconstructed Rehabilitated Surgically Repaired Limping. The worst kind of limping 'cause it never goes away. Like herpes. Or Jay Leno.

I'm gonna stop there because nobody other than the teams above have a realistic shot at winner winner chicken dinner, right? I'm tempted to include the old-ass Spurs or the never-been-there Hawks or the jump-shooting Mavs but it's 2:30 AM and I'm tired. And this post is pretty fucking lame. G'night, John Boy.

Pictured: Kobe would play with nine fingers, right? No question.

Early Playoff Trends

The first punches have been thrown. The tone has been set. In each playoff matchup, a pattern has been established.

EAST
Predictably, Cleveland has made Detroit its bitch.

Without KG, the Celtics have shown plenty of grit but little defense. In two games against the Baby Bulls, Boston's surrendered an average of 110 points per game. Maybe Tom Thibodeau ain't such a genius, after all. To make matters worse, they lost Leon Powe to a torn ACL. AND Rajon Rondo's dinged up after rolling his ankle. So...that means Doc has to trust Shitbury and Mikki Mouse just to get past the 7th seed. Fugly.

Orlando choked away an 18-point lead and lost Game 1 to the scrambling Sixers. The run started when Dwight Howard left the game after getting scratched in the eye, supporting the theory that the Magic are a one-man team.

Josh Smith and the Hawks attacked the rim all night and blew out the Miami Heat, who've played the entire season without a legit big man to protect the basket. Shocker.

WEST
The Lakers toyed with Utah twice, letting them get just close enough to sniff victory before snatching it away with a smirk.

Denver rode a red-hot Chauncey Billups to a win over the Hornets. George Karl instructed career scrub Dahntay Jones to 'get all Bruce Bowen' (holding, scratching, clawing) on Chris Paul, which resulted in lots of shit talking between the two. If I were Chris Paul and Dahntay Fucking Jones was mouthing off to me, my only comeback would be, 'You're Dahntay Fucking Jones. Don't talk to me. Stick to grabbing my balls.'

Pictured: Jones making a play on the balls


In the Seniors Division of the playoffs, Dallas managed a split in San Antonio, ensuring that this series will go waaaaaay too many games for Tim Duncan's balky knee.

Portland inexplicably decided to single-cover Yao Ming in Game 1. The Great Wall made all nine of his shots and Houston rolled. Much was made about the Blazers inexperience but really that loss was Nate McMillan's fault. McMillan awoke from his coma and threw different doubles, fronts and schemes at Yao in Game 2 and Portland clawed back to even the series. Brandon Roy has absolutely destroyed the defensive tandem of Battier/Artest.

On a sidenote, if this injury does indeed end the long and prosperous career of Dikembe Mutombo, I salute the man responsible for the finger wag and legendary 'Who wants to sex Mutombo?' quote.

And for the love of Fuck, someone please tell the NBA to stop running that fucking retread 'Where Amazing Happens' bullshit. That piano loop was tired LAST YEAR. Erik Satie's rolling in his fucking grave right now.

First Round Predictions

DET-CLE
Detroit lost their heart and soul when they dealt Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson earlier this season. Additionally, Rasheed Wallace has never seemed more apathetic. The Cavs should steamroll Detroit in 5 games and officially end the Michael Curry Era in Motor City.

CHI-BOS
With the news that KG might miss the entire postseason, the first round of the playoffs just got a lot more interesting for Boston. Suddenly, they become a perimeter team that relies on Paul Pierce to do all the heavy lifting on offense AND check John Salmons on D. Since adding Salmons and Brad Miller, the Bulls have settled nicely into their roles. I'm still picking Boston here but it'll be a long, drawn-out series that drains Pierce and Ray Ray for whoever they face next. The champs are wobbly but I don't see 'em getting KO'd by this glass-jaw Chicago team. Celtics in 7.

*UPDATE: Danny Ainge just had a heart attack; the Shitbury Curse continues.

PHI-ORL
I'm not a big fan of the Orlando Magic. Teams that rely too much on spot up shooting rarely win titles. Factor in the recent injuries to Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis and this bunch seems ripe for an upset. Too bad Philly ain't good enough to capitalize. Watching pencil-neck Samuel Dalembert try to check 'roid beast Dwight Howard will be laughable. Orlando in 6.

MIA-ATL
Atlanta's home court advantage will be the deciding factor in a high scoring series featuring some eye-popping performances by Dwyane Wade. Al Horford will dominate inside for the Hawks on both ends. Atlanta in 7.

UTA-LA
In the West, I don't see Utah's feeble defense offering much resistance to the high-octane Lakers attack. LA in 5. Yawn.

NO-DEN
The Hornets will upset the Denver Nuggets in 6 if Tyson Chandler is healthy enough to play. Without him, I'll go with Denver in 7. Even though they added Big Shot Billups, Denver still ain't going very far in the playoffs without a true center. A memo to Kroenke The Donkey: imagine how good your team would be if you didn't give away two-time Defensive Player Of The Year, Marcus Camby.

DAL-SA
Manu Ginobili's out but the Spurs will still handle the toothless Mavericks and their pussified brand of non-contact basketball. San Antonio in 6.

HOU-POR
Probably the most evenly matched of all the first round series. The Rockets can put Artest or Battier on Brandon Roy, forcing other Blazers to beat them. On the flip side, Portland can throw the Vanilla Gorilla and Greg Olden at Yao. So really, it becomes a battle of supporting casts. Look for a big series from the Blazers bench as Portland advances by a hair in 7.