King Nothing

Just want one thing
Just to play the king
But the castle's crumbling
And you're left with just a name

-King Nothing, Metallica

No, I'm not about to compare LeBron James to Metallica. But if you've seen Some Kind Of Monster, you'll know that the egomaniacal douchebag factor is about even. Anyway, on to my point...

Yesterday I rewatched Game 6 of Celtics/Cavs to try and figure out what happened, exactly (and yes, maybe I was looking for telltale signs that Delonte West actually was banging Gloria James). What I discovered was that even though LeBron put up 27/19/10, he was so emotionally distant that his weak-minded team crumbled without his leadership. In the most important game of the year, The King threw a sullen bitch fit. And he spent such an inordinate amount of time tongue-lashing Mo Williams that for a second I wondered if Terez Owens had fingered the wrong teammate in MomGate. Granted, LBJ also ignored Delonte West entirely, choosing to sit as far away from him on the bench as possible. Appearing rattled and out of sorts, West performed terribly. But nobody played as badly as Antawn Jamison, who missed layups, turned the ball over and blew every conceivable defensive assignment. Yet James offered no words of support or encouragement for any of his struggling compatriots. No leadership at all. He just sulked. And sulked.

When I was seventeen I dreamed of being king and
Having everything I wanted
But that was long ago and
My dreams did not unfold so
I'm still the king of nothing

-King Of Nothing, Seals And Crofts

Yeah, Seals And Crofts. What?!?

Now, I don't agree with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's theory that LeBron needed more schooling to grow up emotionally. Dude's been in the league seven years now. And it's not like being the Big Man On Campus tempers an inflated ego (holla back, Christian Laettner). But that was straight up childlike behavior he exhibited out there in Game 6. The only thing The King didn't do is cry and take the ball home with him once it was all over.

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

-Hurt, Nine Inch Nails

This king is not worthy of anyone's servitude. Futhermore, now would be an ideal time for his loyal subjects in Cleveland to examine their allegiance. Their leader just abandoned them when they needed him most. And now he's about to parade his ass around the league like some high-priced ho at All Star Weekend.

At least he'll have his puppet to play with. And the two-story closet for all of his shoes.

Kings lose crowns
But teachers stay intelligent

-Criminal Minded, Boogie Down Productions



Oh, and here's the real King James, btw. This guy actually accomplished some shit, like hunting witches and torturing innnocent people.

LBJ- Sometimes It's NOT So Good To Be The King

Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this son of York

-Richard III, Shakespeare

(Relax, I ain't gonna bore you with too much book learnin'- this is still a blog about basketball. Read on...)

In his opening soliloquy, Richard, the future king, tells the audience how he plans to claw his way to the throne by any means necessary, including manipulation, treachery and murder.

By not showing his allegiance to the Cavs, LeBron James just sent a very similar message to basketball fans everywhere: the only thing that matters to King James is the crown.

The Cleveland media is putting a positive spin on things, naturally, highlighting his quote, "Being home in Akron, Ohio, is big for me."

The alarmist cuntrag known as the NY (Com)Post positions the scenario as LBJ making the Cavs 'sweat...which could be good news for the Knicks.'

In any event, Danny Ferry is now in the unenviable position of having to win a title this year or trade away the biggest star Cleveland's ever had. With a gun to his head. I'd be surprised if Ferry gets a single good night's sleep in the next calendar year. If anyone's headed for a winter of discontent, it's that dude.

(Hey, Clipper fans- consider this karmic payback for the gank move Ferry pulled on you in the 1989 Draft)

(Fuck, I'm using more asides than an actual Shakespeare play)

Obviously the Cavs don't want to lose James for nothing. So now we're into sign and trade territory. And who has the most attractive pieces AND a big enough market to please His Highness? The Lakers, who could offer a package including Bynum, Gasol, Odom or Artest. Nobody else even comes close.

Before I get too carried away, I should maintain that I don't actually think LeBron's going anywhere. This is his way of making sure Ferry and Dan Gilbert continue to spend money and try and get another superstar in Cleveland. Plus the fans love him there. They don't care about Tapegate or the fact that he smoked pot once in high school. They're even charmed by his Chosen One moniker and his apparent belief in the divine right to rule. By all accounts, it's been a pretty lousy summer for James but his minions have stood by him. As Mel Brooks once famously said, "It's good to be The King."

Of course, a healthy dose of losing would change all of that. I guarantee those fans have not forgotten the Dark Days Of Ricky Davis. Stay tuned, it could be a bumpy ride.

Pictured: 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse'