Grace Out, Fugly In

No more Dwyane Wade for this year's playoffs. Bummer. Dude's one of the most electrifying players ever. And he's good for at least one "how the fuck did he do that?" moment per game. His flush on Varejao was easily the most impressive play of this season to date. Nothing else even comes close.

Stephen Jackson's done for the year, too. Hobbled and humbled, Jax went out timidly as his 'Cats lost in four straight. The only time he showed any fire is when his headband was dislodged.

Also officially on vacation is the explosive Derrick Rose, whose Del Negros were no match for Cleveland.

That's three exciting players we won't be seeing again for awhile. Boo. Instead we get an extra helping of Matt Barnes and Floppy Varejao. Yay.

Now, I'm not one to favor style over substance but I'm terrified of a Magic/Spurs or Cavs/Spurs Finals. That's some fugly basketball right there. Like 70-62 final score fugly. Like 20 missed FTs fugly. Like lowest Nielsen ratings in major sports finals history fugly.

Pictured: foul on you, Dwight

Rug Barnes In Commanding Lead For America's Next Bruce Bowen

With this amazing display of unbridled douchebaggery, Matt (Rug) Barnes has established a seemingly insurmountable lead in the race to become America's Next Bruce Bowen.

What the judges (me, basically) are looking for in this competition: dirty play, shit talking, ability to pester and distract, originality, flair, starters minutes AND (this is key) the occasional three point dagger to win a game but otherwise complete offensive ineptitude.

The loathsome Bowen, as any hoops fan can attest, set the bar pretty high. For over a decade, he kicked, tripped, headbutted, fondled and molested anyone Coach Popozitz assigned him to guard/rape. And sadly, the Spurs won a few titles that way. The prison strategy worked. So now every coach wants a 'Bowen-type' on their roster. But here's the catch: the Next Bruce needs to channel his douchebaggery in a way that actually helps win games. It's more than being a thug; it's being a productive thug. You can't win Next Bruce if your team isn't a contender. If you're out there douching it up and your team loses anyway, you're better suited for America's Next Danny Fortson (I see you, Reggie Evans).

It's going to take an impossibly disgusting effort from Floppy Varejao and Dirty Dahntay to close the gap this late in the season. But as they say, it ain't over until the fat lady punches you in the junk on a baseline screen. So get to grabbing, jerks! Make Uncle Bruce proud.

Pictured: Rug giving little Devin Harris the business

Loose Balls

*52 for Andre Miller. Wow. Just wow. Nate McMillan suddenly realized that very few guards in the league can handle Andre in the post. That's only been the case for eight years or so. But by all means, relegate him to a spot up shooter once Roy returns, Coach.

*When Big Baby reached out to the public for a new nickname, the fat jokes came fast and furious. My personal fav: Dunkin' Donuts.

*The Coach Of The Year race is super interesting this year. If the voting happened today, these would be my top three- Larry Brown, Scott Brooks and Lionel Hollins. In truth, Phil Jackson should win this award every year but that's just too easy. I've bashed Nate's handling of Andre but he's managed to stay competitive with Juwan Howard as his starting C and a handful of young and untested players (Bayless, Pendergraph, Cunningham) in the rotation. Props.

*John Hollinger recently stated the Luke Ridnour was his choice for Most Improved Player. I can say with great certainty that Luke's game hasn't changed a bit since he played for the Sonics. He's exactly the same player, no better or worse. Sometimes the stats lie. Hollinger also proposed Floppy Varejao for Defensive Player Of The Year. Now, I love Andy's game (not so much his hair or his floppiness) but there's no way he's a better defender than Dwight Howard. Ridonkulous.

Pictured: Floppy throwing himself to the floor in dramatic fashion