Andris Biedrins' Long July.

Andris Biedrins' Long July.

It's hard to believe that the sole survivor of Joe Lacob's cleansing of Cohan's Warriors is Andris Biedrins.  But there he is, and here we are, both carrying on at the end of a very long July.

There was a time that Biedrins was considered to be one of the best young centers in the league.  He was the one guy we didn't have to worry about -- a steady double-double every night, and one of our only legitimate defensive specialists on an offensively-minded team.  He was quick for his size, very springy, adept at grabbing offensive rebounds and tapping in put-backs.  After averaging 10.8 points, 9.8 rebounds, and 1.2 blocks per game (and a league leading .629 field goal percentage) in his fourth season, the Warriors locked him up for six years and $62 million dollars.  At the time (and under that version of the CBA) the deal was considered to be a steal.  Biedrins was going to be an important part of a young, exciting team that had won 48 games in 2008, and was projected to be in the playoff picture in 2009.


But as we all know, things didn't work out as planned, for the Warriors or Biedrins.  After a strong (but injury filled) 2009 campaign that saw him average 11.9 points, 11.2 rebounds, 2 assists and 1.5 blocks on 60% shooting, Biedrins imploded in a fashion that was perplexing as it was frustrating.  No one's really sure what happened, but whatever it was, it permanently destroyed the center we used to affectionately call "Beans".  An ankle injury suffered on February 9, 2009 sidelined Beans for twenty games, and he hasn't averaged a double-double since then.  In 2010, an embarrassing streak of free-throw ineptitude seemingly destroyed Don Nelson's confidence in him, and in turn, his confidence in himself.  With Nellie gone, and Keith Smart in, Biedrins pledged that he'd return to pre-max salary form, and help with the Warriors revival.  Not so much.  He stopped looking for his shot and became less aggressive around the hoop so as to avoid the charity stripe.  His numbers plummeted to 5 points, 7 rebounds, and 1 block per game, and he missed 27 games due to injury. 2012 was equally forgettable, and on March 6, Biedrins lost his starting job to then-Warrior Ekpe Udoh.  The reign of error was over.

Last summer, I analyzed the "long July" of Michael Beasley.  I was interested in looking at B-Easy because at the time he seemed more "human" than many of his peers in the league.  By "human", I meant that B-Easy clearly saw playing basketball as a means to an end, and not a totalizing lifestyle.  He was exuberant, demonstrative and mostly aware, but largely unapologetic about his shortcomings on and off the court.  Indeed, it seems to be a person that is just overjoyed to be paid handsomely to do something that he loves everyday, and sees himself for what he is: a rich man in his mid-twenties who is trying to do the best he can while journalists and bloggers decry the way he's choosing to grow up. He stands out among his colleagues because he is so candid and "real", and unlike other players, not a sum of his stats and endorsements.


Similarly, I am interested in looking at Andris Biedrins because of his all-too-human qualities.  Like Beasley, there is a bit of "Everyman" in Andris Biedrins.  To me, he seems like a person who has lost the drive and motivation to "be the very best", whatever that means.  Whether it was the dismantling of the We Believe team, his poor relationship with Nellie, the free throw debacle, or just working within an organization as incompetent and unstable as Golden State, we don't really know.  But what is clear is that somewhere along the way, Andris Biedrins no longer could muster the will to perform for his superiors, and has seemingly given up the fight to maintain his spot as one of the league's promising young pivots.  He, like many of us, is in dire need of a change of scenery, and desperately needs to find a new source of inspiration, and thus, a chance at rebirth.

So with no further ado, I present: Andris Biedrins' "long July".


June 28, 2012:  The Warriors select three rookies in the NBA Draft in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  One of the rookies taken by the W's revamped front office is Festus Ezeli, a 22 year old center out of Vanderbilt University.  Warriors minority owner (and front office consultant) Jerry West explained that the Warriors needed to get bigger, meaner and tougher down low, and Ezeli, as the last pick in the first round, was the perfect candidate to help the Warriors improve in that area.  What's worse for Andris is that the pundits, by and large, love the pick, and see him, at worst, as the Warriors third-string center by the end of the season.  When you're worried about losing your spot as the guy who only sees time when the backup isn't performing up to snuff, or you have to use up a few fouls quickly to slow momentum, it says something about your prospects as a professional.  But who knows if that's what Andris is actually thinking about this matter.  We haven't really heard from him in two or three years.

July 6, 2012: Well, this isn't good. Both Deadspin and The Huffington Post post some seriously NSFW pictures from a Latvian website that seem to depict Andris Biedrins (or another 7-foot spikey-haired Latvian boy-band look-a-like) getting busy in the back of a car with an unidentified woman.  The pictures are undated, and no one's identity is confirmed, but there's a lot of trouble here.  As expected, the pictures make the rounds on all the popular sports sites.  This caps off a particularly bad PR week for the Dubs, who were conducting damage control after the revelation that the Reverend and Head Coach Mark Jackson had been blackmailed by one of his favorite strippers, who he wisely sent nude photos to via email.  The Warriors choose not to comment on the photos one way or another, so we don't know if we're actually looking at Andris Biedrins' shit-eating backseat grin or not.  Either way, it puts Andris Biedrins and the Warriors organization in the news for all the wrong reasons.  Boneheads beget boneheads.  No "head" pun intended.  "Bone" either.


July 10, 2012:  It's not getting much better for Beans.  Reports come out that the Latvian state prosecutor's office is pursuing criminal charges against Biedrins for tax evasion.  Allegedly, Biedrins created a bogus leisure-hire company to avoid paying taxes on a luxury boat that he exported to Latvia from the United States.  The prosecutor says the case will probably take three years to complete.  This could be serious trouble for Beans if he ever hopes to return to Latvia following his playing career.  And given the way Beans is playing, his career is only going to last as long as his current contract.  In other words: two years and counting.  Good thing former GM Larry Riley had no idea how to properly utilize the amnesty provision.



July 14, 2012:  It's time for Vegas Summer League and the Warriors, for once, are the talk of the town.  After the first day, the W's are 1-0, and looking quite sharp.  While Day 1 belonged to Harrison Barnes and Klay Thompson, Day 2 belonged to Festus Ezeli.  In a game against the Denver Nuggests, Ezeli looks especially promising.  He's highly active in the post, reads defenses well, sets solid screens to create opportunities for the wings, and most importantly, looks for his shot.  He finishes with 11 points, 7 rebounds, 1 block, and one massive put back dunk against Kenneth Faried.  Andris Biedrins cannot be reached for comment.

July 16, 2012:  It becomes clear that the Warriors newly-minted backup center, Jeremy Tyler, is going to turn heads this season. Not just because of his improving play, but also because he's got a great story to tell.  Tyler, of course, was one of the first (and only) players to leave high school early to play professional basketball.  He spent what would've been his junior year playing in Israel, and his senior year playing in China.  His basketball journey then took him to the NBA draft, where he got selected by the Warriors in the late second round.  After some nice flashes during his rookie season, he looks ready to take Andris Biedrins' job as the Warriors backup center.  His summer league numbers are pretty good too -- averaging about 12 points and 7 rebounds in only 22 minutes per game.  This isn't good for our Latvian hero.

July 16, 2012:  To add injury to insult, Festus Ezeli officially signs his deal with the Warriors.  Welcome to the end of the bench, Beans.


There comes a time when it's pointless to try and rebuild a bridge that was broken long ago.  Based on the way Biedrins has played -- and conversely, the way the organization has marginalized Biedrins over  that period of time -- that the two parts have moved on without the other.  The Warriors have replaced Biedrins thrice over, having acquired Jeremy Tyler, Andrew Bogut and Festus Ezeli over the last thirteen months.  Biedrins, meanwhile, hasn't been seen or heard from all offseason long.  Once a prominent part of the Warriors PR campaign, Biedrins now spends his offseasons out of sight, and out of mind.

There's a chance that the Warriors might be fairly decent this season.  They've completely retooled their front office and their lineup, and for the first time, the ghost of Chris Cohan no longer haunts.  There may be a lot of reason to celebrate this season.

But Andris Biedrins will not be a part of that celebration.  His time with the Warriors has come and gone; perhaps in the NBA as well.  It's okay.  We all lose motivation over time, and our relationships with this things that once meant a lot to us occasionally fade. That's the way things go sometimes.  But still, it's pretty sad.  It was a lovely affair, but a horrible marriage.

Andris Biedrins' Long July.

Andris Biedrins' Long July.

It's hard to believe that the sole survivor of Joe Lacob's cleansing of Cohan's Warriors is Andris Biedrins.  But there he is, and here we are, both carrying on at the end of a very long July.

There was a time that Biedrins was considered to be one of the best young centers in the league.  He was the one guy we didn't have to worry about -- a steady double-double every night, and one of our only legitimate defensive specialists on an offensively-minded team.  He was quick for his size, very springy, adept at grabbing offensive rebounds and tapping in put-backs.  After averaging 10.8 points, 9.8 rebounds, and 1.2 blocks per game (and a league leading .629 field goal percentage) in his fourth season, the Warriors locked him up for six years and $62 million dollars.  At the time (and under that version of the CBA) the deal was considered to be a steal.  Biedrins was going to be an important part of a young, exciting team that had won 48 games in 2008, and was projected to be in the playoff picture in 2009.


But as we all know, things didn't work out as planned, for the Warriors or Biedrins.  After a strong (but injury filled) 2009 campaign that saw him average 11.9 points, 11.2 rebounds, 2 assists and 1.5 blocks on 60% shooting, Biedrins imploded in a fashion that was perplexing as it was frustrating.  No one's really sure what happened, but whatever it was, it permanently destroyed the center we used to affectionately call "Beans".  An ankle injury suffered on February 9, 2009 sidelined Beans for twenty games, and he hasn't averaged a double-double since then.  In 2010, an embarrassing streak of free-throw ineptitude seemingly destroyed Don Nelson's confidence in him, and in turn, his confidence in himself.  With Nellie gone, and Keith Smart in, Biedrins pledged that he'd return to pre-max salary form, and help with the Warriors revival.  Not so much.  He stopped looking for his shot and became less aggressive around the hoop so as to avoid the charity stripe.  His numbers plummeted to 5 points, 7 rebounds, and 1 block per game, and he missed 27 games due to injury.

Last summer, I analyzed the "long July" of Michael Beasley.  I was interested in looking at B-Easy because at the time he seemed more "human" than many of his peers in the league.  By "human", I meant that B-Easy clearly saw playing basketball as a means to an end, and not a totalizing lifestyle.  He was exuberant, demonstrative and mostly aware, but largely unapologetic about his shortcomings on and off the court.  Indeed, it seems to be a person that is just overjoyed to be paid handsomely to do something that he loves everyday, and sees himself for what he is: a rich man in his mid-twenties who is trying to do the best he can while journalists and bloggers decry the way he's choosing to grow up. He stands out among his colleagues because he is so candid and "real", and unlike other players, not a sum of his stats and endorsements.


Similarly, I am interested in looking at Andris Biedrins because of his all-too-human qualities.  Like Beasley, there is a bit of "Everyman" in Andris Biedrins.  To me, he seems like a person who has lost the drive and motivation to "be the very best", whatever that means.  Whether it was the dismantling of the We Believe team, his poor relationship with Nellie, the free throw debacle, or just working within an organization as incompetent and unstable as Golden State, we don't really know.  But what is clear is that somewhere along the way, Andris Biedrins no longer could muster the will to perform for his superiors, and has seemingly given up the fight to maintain his spot as one of the league's promising young pivots.  He, like many of us, is in dire need of a change of scenery, and desperately needs to find a new source of inspiration, and thus, a chance at rebirth.

So with no further ado, I present: Andris Biedrins' "long July".


June 28, 2012:  The Warriors select three rookies in the NBA Draft in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  One of the rookies taken by the W's revamped front office is Festus Ezeli, a 22 year old center out of Vanderbilt University.  Warriors minority owner (and front office consultant) Jerry West explained that the Warriors needed to get bigger, meaner and tougher down low, and Ezeli, as the last pick in the first round, was the perfect candidate to help the Warriors improve in that area.  What's worse for Andris is that the pundits, by and large, love the pick, and see him, at worst, as the Warriors third-string center by the end of the season.  When you're worried about losing your spot as the guy who only sees time when the backup isn't performing up to snuff, or you have to use up a few fouls quickly to slow momentum, it says something about your prospects as a professional.  But who knows if that's what Andris is actually thinking about this matter.  We haven't really heard from him in two or three years.

July 6, 2012: Well, this isn't good. Both Deadspin and The Huffington Post post some seriously NSFW pictures from a Latvian website that seem to depict Andris Biedrins (or another 7-foot spikey-haired Latvian boy-band look-a-like) getting busy in the back of a car with an unidentified woman.  The pictures are undated, and no one's identity is confirmed, but there's a lot of trouble here.  As expected, the pictures make the rounds on all the popular sports sites.  This caps off a particularly bad PR week for the Dubs, who were conducting damage control after the revelation that the Reverend and Head Coach Mark Jackson had been blackmailed by one of his favorite strippers, who he wisely sent nude photos to via email.  The Warriors choose not to comment on the photos one way or another, so we don't know if we're actually looking at Andris Biedrins' shit-eating backseat grin or not.  Either way, it puts Andris Biedrins and the Warriors organization in the news for all the wrong reasons.  Boneheads beget boneheads.  No "head" pun intended.  "Bone" either.


July 10, 2012:  It's not getting much better for Beans.  Reports come out that the Latvian state prosecutor's office is pursuing criminal charges against Biedrins for tax evasion.  Allegedly, Biedrins created a bogus leisure-hire company to avoid paying taxes on a luxury boat that he exported to Latvia from the United States.  The prosecutor says the case will probably take three years to complete.  This could be serious trouble for Beans if he ever hopes to return to Latvia following his playing career.  And given the way Beans is playing, his career is only going to last as long as his current contract.  In other words: two years and counting.  Good thing former GM Larry Riley had no idea how to properly utilize the amnesty provision.

 

July 14, 2012:  It's time for Vegas Summer League and the Warriors, for once, are the talk of the town.  After the first day, the W's are 1-0, and looking quite sharp.  While Day 1 belonged to Harrison Barnes and Klay Thompson, Day 2 belonged to Festus Ezeli.  In a game against the Denver Nuggests, Ezeli looks especially promising.  He's highly active in the post, reads defenses well, sets solid screens to create opportunities for the wings, and most importantly, looks for his shot.  He finishes with 11 points, 7 rebounds, 1 block, and one massive put back dunk against Kenneth Faried.  Andris Biedrins cannot be reached for comment.

July 16, 2012:  It becomes clear that the Warriors newly-minted backup center, Jeremy Tyler, is going to turn heads this season. Not just because of his improving play, but also because he's got a great story to tell.  Tyler, of course, was one of the first (and only) players to leave high school early to play professional basketball.  He spent what would've been his junior year playing in Israel, and his senior year playing in China.  His basketball journey then took him to the NBA draft, where he got selected by the Warriors in the late second round.  After some nice flashes during his rookie season, he looks ready to take Andris Biedrins' job as the Warriors backup center.  His summer league numbers are pretty good too -- averaging about 12 points and 7 rebounds in only 22 minutes per game.  This isn't good for our Latvian hero.

July 16, 2012:  To add injury to insult, Festus Ezeli officially signs his deal with the Warriors.  Welcome to the end of the bench, Beans.


There comes a time when it's pointless to try and rebuild a bridge that was broken long ago.  Based on the way Biedrins has played -- and conversely, the way the organization has marginalized Biedrins over  that period of time -- that the two parts have moved on without the other.  The Warriors have replaced Biedrins thrice over, having acquired Jeremy Tyler, Andrew Bogut and Festus Ezeli over the last thirteen months.  Biedrins, meanwhile, hasn't been seen or heard from all offseason long.  Once a prominent part of the Warriors PR campaign, Biedrins now spends his offseasons out of sight, and out of mind.

There's a chance that the Warriors might be fairly decent this season.  They've completely retooled their front office and their lineup, and for the first time, the ghost of Chris Cohan no longer haunts.  There may be a lot of reason to celebrate this season.

But Andris Biedrins will not be a part of that celebration.  His time with the Warriors has come and gone; perhaps in the NBA as well.  It's okay.  We all lose motivation over time, and our relationships with this things that once meant a lot to us occasionally fade. That's the way things go sometimes.  But still, it's pretty sad.  It was a lovely affair, but a horrible marriage.

Metta World Peace: Kid Tested, Diss Approved.

Metta World Peace: Kid Tested, Diss Approved.

As a behaviorist who works primarily with kids, I end up watching a lot of children's TV for my job.  Some shows are great.  Others, not so much.  For example, The Wiggles and Robot and Monster rule.  Caillou and Sid the Science Kid?  Not so much.

One of my favorite shows is Yo Gabba Gabba, a vaguely educational program that seems to be marketed more towards stoned stay-at-home parents and babysitters than kids themselves (though my two-year-old nephew would disagree, based upon his strong love for YGG).

Given the sort of bizarre nature of the show, I was unsurprised to see Metta World Peace make a cameo a couple of weeks ago.  This show is definitely on his level.

In his appearance, he beats Tutti and Mrs. Fox in what appears to be a three meter relay.  We're all relieved he gets through the competition without elbowing Tutti in the head.

Take 37 seconds out of your day and give this a look.  I may have to do "Top 5 NBA Player Cameos on Children's Shows" soon.

Wild Guesses and Outlandish Speculation: Pick-up All-Stars Edition

Wild Guesses and Outlandish Speculation: Pick-up All-Stars Edition

We always talk about others playing ball.  Why not talk about ourselves?  A very special welcome to Prof. Shaun Lopez, who's got some serious old-man game.  Or so he claims, since he never showed up to our regular game in Seattle.

1.  Do you (or did you) play basketball?  Would you consider yourself to be a "baller"?


Joe Bernardo: I suppose.  I've never played organized ball (at my school or in a league), but I've been playing pick up for longer than I can remember and continue to play 2-3 times per week.  But when I say "Pick up", I don't mean playing on the courts of Rucker Park or Venice Beach.  Nor do I mean at 10am or 5pm, when the "real ballers" show up.  I usually play in random courts with 30-to-40-year-old, non-ex-athletes at 7 or 8 in the morning...when the "fake ballers" like me show up.

Shaun Lopez: For a period of ten years (undergrad and grad school) I played twice a week religiously. Haven't played in the last six years.  A baller?  Yes.  A basketballer?  No.

Kevin Draper: The only organized ball I ever played was in a YMCA league in 3rd grade.  Home video evidence suggests that I could only dribble (poorly) with one hand, jumped off the wrong foot to shoot layups, and fancied myself an outside shooter.  In other words, I was Nick Young.

Andrew Snyder: I played "organized" basketball up until 8th grade on the "B" squad travel team.  Why would a then over 6' kid not be automatically placed on the A squad?  Well, the starting center was later named the Gatorade Massachusetts HS player of the Year when I graduated in 2006.  Where did he play his college ball?  Harvard?  UMass?  Some random D-1 school you never heard of?  Nope. Bates.  D-III.  That should tell you all you need to know about the state (no pun intended) of Massachusetts High School basketball.  I also had the pleasure of playing for three years of middle school with a future D-1 starting center and now pro baller in Italy.  I'd like to think that if I'd grown up in a small midwestern town instead of a large Boston suburb with a consistently great high school program, that I would have groomed from a young age as a 'tall kid' into a standout player.  Obvious just a giant waste of potential.  Could have been the next Bryant Reeves.  My pickup basketball career evolved once I gained the necessary coordination around age 16 to consistently shoot a jumper in one direction -- at the rim, and over time, I've developed an all-around solid pickup game.  As the only IM Basketball T-Shirt winner on this here blog, I could certifiably take each of you in a game of one-on-one, with a five point spread. (Editor's Note: I won an IM basketball champs shirt 3 years before Snyder even arrived at college).

John Reyes-Nguyen:  I used to play basketball all the time until my back went out.  I don't consider myself a baller, I don't roam from gym-to-gym with my homies and play pick up games.  I'm usually that random dude you don't want to play with who has next.

Jacob Greenberg: I was as sort of a late bloomer with sports, and playing basketball was my first and fullest love.  Save for YMCA ball from ages 13-15 and an aborted freshman HS team career (I was too chickenshit to play against real players) I didn't play a lot of organized ball.  But I did play a lot of pickup in high school, college, and post-college.  I also dabbled with IMs, and am toying with the idea of joining a league out here in the North Bay.  My fondest memories are of me hoisting up shots on my portable hoop outside of my ticky-tacky house in my nondescript Northern California suburb.  Good times.

2.  Which player did you fancy yourself as?  Why?  Professional or otherwise.




Joe Bernardo: I usually play in the post.  I'd like to say I play like Hakeen Olajuwon or Pau Gasol, but I don't.  I have good post moves, but honestly my lack of handles and sheer laziness causes my play to emulate Elden Campbell with a 5-inch vertical.  Ugh.  How sad.

Shaun Lopez: Mark Price because of the quick trigger.  To be obscure but honest, I have to say Fresno State's Bernard Thompson.  Look it up, youngsters.

Kevin Draper: Reggie Miller.  I was always smaller, partially because my most frequent opponents growing up were my two older brothers and my one friend that played football through high school, and wasn't terribly quick, so really the only thing I could do were chuck up prayers and yell "hibachi!"

Andrew Snyder: I like to think of myself as a Luis Scola/Jared Sullinger with old man moves (and no ups) in the post, a herky-jerky Paul Pierce with my lack of speed but (sometimes) ability to get where I want to on the court, and a streaky gunner with no hesitation but poor shot selection like Mike Beasley from 3-point range.

John Reyes-Nguyen:  I'd like to fancy myself as the PG version of Arvydas Sabonis, super slow, lethargic, yet crafty.

Jacob Greenberg: When I was younger, I always wanted to play like Chuck.  I was short, fat, and round, so the Round Mound was a natural role model.  In retrospect, I like to think I played a lot like Filipino basketball great Noli Locsin, whose inside-outside game as a 6'2'' power forward never ceases to amaze.  As I got older, taller, and just slightly leaner, I became more of a DeShawn Stevenson.  That is to say: no real basketball skill, but can play passable defense on all five positions, and can occasionally hit a timely shot.  On my best days, I can play a little like Raymond Felton.


3.  What's your on-court persona?  Pickup coach?  Foul caller?  Fattie wit' skills?




Joe Bernardo: I just like to fit in.  I know I'm usually not the best on the court, but I try to scrap enough so as not to be the worst guy.  Also, since I'm in the post, I like to feed teammates who cut to the basketball.  Sharing the ball is essential.

Shaun Lopez: Sniper running off screens all day.  Eventually you're gonna get tired of chasing and I will get a shot off...

Kevin Draper: I'm probably pretty annoying to play against.  Since I'm not very good, I try to win by working harder than everybody else.  I contest rebounds way more than anybody should in pickup.  I try to push fast breaks whenever I can.  I don't actually know how to cut so I just run around in circles on the court a la Rip Hamilton.  I also talk an inordinate amount of shit.

Andrew Snyder: Unless I'm matched up against another tall dude, I usually try to play point forward and stay away from the post unless my team is clearly deficient in the "needs scoring or rebounding inside" department, because let's face it -- raining jumpers is way more fun than scoring on ugly old man post moves.  However, if my team's in danger of losing, then it's time grab the hard hat and lunch pail and go to work in the paint.

John Reyes-Nguyen: I'm a pretty scrappy player.  I usually pride myself on defense and boxing out.  I'm also 5'5'' so boxing out was more like submarining someone.  I once got yelled at for playing too hard.  You don't want none of this.

Jacob Greenberg: As I got older, and realized I never, ever, was going to be able to dribble or shoot lefty, I started looking for my shot less.  I try to shy away from the "I rebound decently and play foul-heavy defense because I basically suck at basketball" archetype, and craft more of a point-forward-pickup-leader persona.  I try to focus on "winning plays" -- making the right pass early-and-often, going to the ball, setting solid screens, crashing the boards, hitting my jumpers when I'm open, and keeping things light but competitive.  And my teams usually win games.


4.  Do you prefer to watch or play basketball?  Or other sports, really.




Joe Bernardo: Both.  My favorite is watching a great game of basketball, then going out and trying to emulate what I just watched.  Playing also becomes my personal therapy after a bad day or a Laker loss (much like Jacob).

Shaun Lopez: Don't watch the NBA at all, but still enjoy the college game.  I spend my spare time watching soccer these days.  It's a more accessible game for those of us not 6'4'' and up.  Go Bulldogs!

Kevin Draper: Either/or.  I like watching, playing, and reading about basketball in equal measure.

Andrew Snyder:  Watching the NBA live > Playing a good quality game of ball > watching NBA on TV.  But all three are great.

John Reyes-Nguyen: I love to watch and play basketball and beach volleyball.  I prefer to watch football.

Jacob Greenberg:  Playing or watching basketball has about the same amount of therapeutic value for me. This is the best sport on two feet (or two wheels; being ableist isn't a good look).

Tony Parker? More Like EKTORP!

Tony Parker? More Like EKTORP!

A month ago I moved across the country, leaving my native Oakland for Washington DC. Before schlepping 22 boxes, a dog and a car across the country, I sold every possible possession I could. A bed, lamp, couch, desk, La-Z-Boy, 2 bedside tables, rug, dog crate, and computer speakers that used to belong to me now find themselves in the homes of denizens of Craigslist. For some reason nobody wanted to buy my practically new women's wetsuit.

Since moving, I've been spending every day after work, and most of my weekends, getting my house in order. I'm constantly having "oh fuck, I don't own toilet paper" moments. The most difficult thing, however, has been buying furniture. The furniture I want exists at this awkward price point, more expensive than Target "who cares if it is shitty, I'm moving off-campus next year!!" and less expensive than than Ethan Allen "yeah, I probably need a wine refrigerator" furniture. In other words, I'm looking at IKEA.


Today I went to IKEA with a clearly defined mission: buy two bookcases, maybe get a desk chair if there was something reasonable. I walked out with my bookcases and chair...and two surge protectors, six glass jars, a potted plant, measuring cups and a container to store pens/pencils. That store is the fucking devil.

I went to Target next to grab a few things because Target has everything, and it is cheap. I got what I needed and left.

On the drive home I kept thinking about my two shopping experiences. At Target I went in and grabbed what I needed. It was a purely utilitarian trip. IKEA is designed so that a purely utilitarian trip is impossible. The second floor is a show room maze, forcing you to walk through mock bedroom after mock bathroom to reach the section with desk chairs. On the first floor, to get to the warehouse with the bookcases, you walk through a maze of smaller, more useful items. If I were at Target, I would have walked right by the glass jars because they are just sitting on a shelf. At IKEA, I walked by a mock kitchen and saw the glass jars full of beans, rice and lentils and thought to myself "that's a nice way of storing dry goods" and picked up six.

If you've followed my train of thought, and I think I've been pretty clear, the conclusion is obvious: the San Antonio Spurs are the IKEA of basketball teams.


Boris Diaw had a few good years, notably in Phoenix on those SSOL teams, but I'll bet you can't guess how many years he played for the Bobcats. Four years. He played for the Bobcats for four years, and then played himself out of a job, getting waived in the middle of last season. Half of Bill Simmons' basketball columns from the 2012 season included jokes about Diaw's man boobs. And then the Spurs pick him up and he starts at center for a team that won two games in the Western Conference Finals. For the Bobcats last year he had a -0.023 WS/48, and for the Spurs he had a .125. He went from practically the worst player in the league to an above average player all at once.

Last season, Stephen Jackson was traded twice in the span of a couple days. Milwaukee insisted that the Warriors take him in the Andrew Bogut for Monta Ellis trade, even though the Warriors wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. To get rid of him to the Spurs, they had to take back Richard Jefferson and his Island Fish Jasconius of a contract (though they did get a very late first-round pick for their troubles). Jackson went from a -0.019 player to a .086 on the Spurs. They turned a pile of poop into a close to league average player.


Greg Popovich and RC Burford are often (deservingly) lauded for their ability to turn late first round and second round draft picks into quality players, but I don't know that they (probably Pop) get enough credit for their reclamation projects. They have the ability to put players in positions to succeed where they weren't able to with other organizations. They take players who were passed over by 29 other teams in the league, and make them look right at home, to the point where you find yourself asking questions like "is Matt Bonner worth the full mid-level exception" or "is Patty Mills going to win Most Improved Player this year".

I guess, just like those BILLY bookcases help you realize that you NEED to buy the HEKTAR lamp, Tim Duncan and Greg Popovich can make Gary Neal look like an NBA starter.

Happy Labor Day.

Happy Labor Day.

Nellie ain't working today.  And neither are we.

Happy Labor Day from all of us at The Diss.  Be safe and may all your cravings be sated.

Your Annotated Smartphone Bathroom Reader for Saturday, September 1, 2012.

Your Annotated Smartphone Bathroom Reader for Saturday, September 1, 2012.

Hope you remembered to say rabbit rabbit.

Source: Bibby Unlikely to Return to Knicks
Jared Zwerling
ESPN

This article is being included in the reader because of its subject: Mike Bibby. Zwerling reports that, in all likelihood, one of my favorite early 2000s players is not returning to the Knicks. With most training camp rosters set, we may have seen the final act for Mikey B.  Perhaps it's not a moment too soon -- Bibby looked pretty old and immobile last season, even though he spent time as the Knicks' first, second and third string point guard.  He was even looking pretty shaky as the starter for the Heat in the 2011 playoffs (until he was eventually benched for Mario Chalmers).  Yes, time waits for no man, and Mike's time has come.  But, we'll always have his performance from the 2002 Donaghy-offs, and this strange moment of rejected bromance from 2009.  If this is indeed the end, it was a good run.  Hats off to ya, Mike.  It's been real.

- JG
Strikingly Similar: the Upcoming NHL LockoutDevin DignamWages of Wins Journal
At this time last year, arenas, practice facilities, and basketball blogs (including The Diss) were dark and abandoned because of the NBA lockout.  While basketball fans can look forward to six more years of lockout-free entertainment, hockey fans are not so lucky.  The NHL's CBA expires on September 15, 2012.  Should the NHL's owners (represented by commissioner [and former NBA executive] Gary Bettman) fail to come to an agreement with the hockey players' union, the league will lock out its players and begin canceling pre and regular season games.  Sounds familiar?  In this well-written piece, Devin Dignam explores the myriad of similarities between the past NBA lockout and the potential NHL lockout.  Like in the NBA, NHL owners want a bigger share of the players Hockey Related Income (the goofy cousin to Basketball Related Income), insurances that star players will not leave a small market at the first chance they get, and shorter guaranteed contracts.  Oh, and all of them are claiming to be losing money.  The NHL survived one canceled season due to a labor stoppage.  Can they survive a second?  And more importantly, does anyone south of the Canadian border give a shit?
- JG
Don Nelson into the Hall: Respect for a Career of Ingenious, Wanton Insubordinance   Tim KawakamiTalking Points (The San Jose Mercury News)
Don Nelson, who served as the Golden State Warriors head coach twice (but also did stints with the Bucks, Knicks and Mavs) will be inducted into the Hall of Fame in a few weeks. For better or worse, the Warriors greatest modern successes came under the leadership of "Nellie".  He orchestrated the memorable 2007 playoff run, and coached the team to 48 wins (and a ninth place finish in the hypercompetitive Western conference) the following season.  But our greatest failures also came at the hands of Nellie, as he used his influence to create dysfunction in the Warriors' front office, and meddled with the psyches and skillsets of several of our players.  But, as Kawakami argues here, it was Nellie's bedside manner that made him qualified for the hall in the first place.  Kawakami says that Nellie's nature as an "insubordinate" allowed him to create vaccuums of power, and thus the ability to create teams specially suited for his needs and personality.  Kawakami says he respects that aspect of Nellie.  Though it seems a bit disingenuous for a reporter who wrote many thousands of words tearing apart Nellie for his "insubordinance" (which isn't a word, as far as I can tell), only to give him his respect at the end, Kawakami makes some interesting points about Nellie's career.

- JG
The Tyranny of Allen IversonEthan Sherwood-StraussHoopspeak
There are still mornings that I wake up and think: "Damn, Allen Iverson isn't in the league anymore.  That sucks"  And while Ethan Sherwood-Strauss might feel slightly sad as well, he also wonders if we focus too much on our emotional connection to Iverson, and not enough on his effectiveness as a basketball player.  Sherwood-Strauss acknowledges Iverson's undeniable impact on race and politics in sport and society, but takes issue with a particular element: that his "controversial image overshadows any discussion of Iverson, the player."  Sherwood-Strauss continues that "A.I. is such a beloved warrior poet, so ardently defended by those who adored his cultural imprint, that it's difficult to dryly question whether or not he was even good for teams."  Sherwood-Strauss asserts that the NBA, at that time, was focused on iso-heavy play ("hero ball").  Whereas in the West the best players were pivot players (Shaq and Timmy), the East was laden with guards.  Iverson, according to Sherwood-Strauss, was "at the foreground of this ugly epoch"; the most prolific player on mostly inefficient Sixers teams, playing in a weak conference.  Sherwood-Strauss' argument challenges the notion that it was Iverson's overall image that ended his HOF career by moving the focus from his cultural impact to his basketball impact.  Indeed, it is difficult picturing Iverson contributing on either the Heat or the Thunder, or even being a good fit in the league at all.
- JG
Numbers Dictate that Playoffs May Be Longshot for PistonsDan FeldmanThe Detroit Free Press
In a roundtable discussion a few weeks back, I proposed that the offseason's worst move was the non-firing of longtime Pistons GM Joe Dumars, who has done absolutely nothing to improve his team (save  draft some rookies and unload Ben Gordon's stupid contract, but undoing your own dumb mistakes doesn't really get many points in my book). Dan Feldman takes note of this failure to launch in Detroit, and asks whether the Pistons have made enough moves to make it to the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.  Feldman doesn't really think so, and uses some interesting statistics to prove his point.  By his count, the teams that went from non-playoff to playoff team with the same coach turned over 35% of their available minutes to new players.  As it currently stands, the Pistons have turned over 24% of their minutes (most of which were taken up by Ben Gordon).  Feldman hypothesizes that the Pistons have to be at least as good as the 2010-2011 Indiana Pacers, who went 37-45 and made the playoffs.  Can the Pistons be as good enough as those Pacers, with Greg Monroe, Rodney Stuckey and Brandon Knight leading the way?  We'll see.  Or, you'll see.  I never watch the Pistons.
- JG